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Dear Wendy

Should I Sneak Out?

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #845833 Reply

    So, my boyfriend is 26 and I’m 19. He has his moments, but he’s been great to me so far, and we’ve been dating for 4 months, but have been talking for about 7 in total. We’ve only been able to see each other in person 4 times because when I’m in college, I live about 2 hours and 30 minutes from him and when I’m home, I live an hour away. My family doesn’t approve of the age gap, and refuse to make an effort to meet him or even talk to him on the phone, as well as pressuring me to cut ties. They also don’t acknowledge him as my boyfriend. This has made it even harder for us to see each other. He wants to go out with me this weekend and I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t want to lie to my family about my whereabouts, but I do miss him.

    #845841 Reply

    No, don’t sneak out. The age gap is too large. It is beyond creepy that this sort of relationship had its roots when he was 19 and you were 12. It sounds like he was grooming you. Your parents are doing their job as parents to protect you from a guy who shows predator signs.

    #845842 Reply

    Wait – been talking for 7 months or 7 years? I assume LW meant they talked for 7 months, so I dont think the grooming issue is at play here.

    I think this age gap is barely not-creepy. Does this guy have a lot of dating experience? Does he have a history of dating people way younger? Are you in similar life places right now (i.e. both college students)? The answers to these questions really determine if this relationship is exploitive or not.

    Either way, you’re an adult, you can see him if you want. But the consequences for doing so might be that you have to move out. Is he worth it*? Is your family smart enough to injure that they can’t really bully an adult into doing what they want.

    Either way, don’t lie about it. That won’t get you anywhere in the long run.

    *don’t preemptively move in with this guy because you want to live away from your parents.

    #845843 Reply

    As long as you are going to be living and feeding and smooching off your parents? Better abide by their rules or just move out and do whatever you want. You can’t force people to like someone, just like you can’t force someone to change.

    The age gap plays a big role as to why your parents don’t like him. You’ve only seen each other 4 times in 4 month of being in a relationship and 7 month of talking? That’s like 1 visit per month! This is the slowest moving relationship I’ve ever heard of. A travel of 1 hour up to 2-1/2 hours mean nothing, car or no car. If you 2 really liked each other and the chemistry was there? you would be seeing each other at least once every weekend hands down. that’s about 4 times a month not 4 times in 4 month. If i was seeing my Gf once a week, I would be looking forward for the weekend to come with my bags packed from the beginning of the week. I would be super excited to see her for that one day that I get.

    This relationship isn’t going anywhere at this pace, and its definitely not good enough or worth it for you too disturb the peace at home.

    Concentrate on school and get your education on track. Guys will always be around, relationships will always be an option, finding someone closer in age and more respected by your parents will come with time, no rush.

    #845846 Reply

    1. He drives an hour to your house to take you on a date. Not hard.
    2. He meets people when he arrives and acts respectfully. Not hard.
    3. Your family ignores him or scowls at him or maybe even likes him. Not hard.
    4. Y’all shrug and go to dinner and a movie. Not hard.

    None of this is hard. “But my family!” is drama you are making up. Don’t sneak around like a frickin’ criminal, for chrissakes.

    If he balks at coming to your house like a respectable person, then something is way wrong, because none of this should be a big deal.

    #845847 Reply

    Oh, come on. @FYI is right. They don’t acknowledge him as your boyfriend because he’s not acting like one.

    An hour is nothing. My boyfriend lives an hour away. We’ve been together for many years. People have an hour-long commute to work (or longer) for their whole careers.

    He’s only seen you 4 times in 4 months because he doesn’t feel like seeing you more often than that.

    #845850 Reply

    Lemme guess. On each of these four occasions, you have gone to see HIM and done all the driving. And that’s what he wants for this weekend. Is that right?

    #845852 Reply

    At the age of 26 the guy should be able to make the 2 hour 30 minute drive to see you at least once a week while you are in college. If he can’t manage that you should move on because he doesn’t have his life in a good place.

    One reason that you may appeal to someone that much older is because at your age you have lower standards. A woman who was 26 wouldn’t continue with a guy who couldn’t manage to see her. At his age he should have his life together enough to have a career of some sort and I don’t mean frequently changing jobs from one part time job to the next. At his age he should want a woman who is his peer. If you are his peer that’s a bad sign because he hasn’t gotten very far in his adult life if his current level of maturity matches yours.

    Whose idea is it for you to sneak out? If it is his you should run because that is so juvenile and you would hope for more maturity than that from a guy who is 26. If it is your idea you need to grow up. If you are old enough to date you are old enough to tell your parents and go out in front of them. If they forbid your date then your choice is to live by their rules while in their house or become self-supporting. At this point in time you seem to want to be independent in your decisions but dependent financially.

    #845853 Reply

    He’s NOT your boyfriend. This is a guy you are barely dating…

    #845862 Reply

    I doubt they are even dating at all. She thinks they’re dating; he probably tells her they’re dating; But, really he’s just getting some sporadic action from a 19-year-old whose naivete and distance allows him to string her along drama-free. Four times in 4 months? That’s insane at their ages. If there was really something there, more effort (hell, even a little effort) would be made.

    I”m sorry to be so cynical OP. At your ages, an age gap like that could potentially put you in very different stages in your lives (not always with these ages, but very potentially). It would be hard enough to find common ground even if he lived next door and your parents loved him. You’re 19- this is a time for self-exploration, for figuring yourself out as an adult. It’s best to do that with others who are going through the exact things you are at this exact time. Please, this relationship is new and practically non-existent- move on from it while it’s still relatively easy. Focus on school; focus on friends; focus on finding your way in this world. Don’t get mired in this silly mess.

    P.S. and don’t sneak out. That crap is for people in their early teens. If you ignore our advice and continue to see him, be upfront with your parents and accept any repercussions. You are an adult. You can vote for president. Please act like it.

    #845863 Reply

    You’re 19yrs old asking if you should sneak out 😕 why is the 26yr old still talking to you again?! Other than to get some 🍑. Seriously, your parents have failed you. 🤦‍♀️

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by avatar Poppy.
    #845871 Reply

    When I had to move 1000 miles away from my BF for eight months, during that time we managed to see each other at least once a month, sometimes twice. So I can’t believe you’ve only been able to see a guy who lives, what, 100-150 miles away once a month. Also, a 26yo should not be dating a 19yo. Stop wasting your time on this guy.

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