Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I stay in this relationship….

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  • #875181 Reply
    avatarKallie
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    Someone please be brutally honest with me. I am currently in a relationship of 4 years that I’m sick and tired of. I am at the point that I just don’t care anymore. We get along and are civil with each other most of the time but I just find myself wishing I was out of this relationship and in a new & better one nearly every day. Really the only thing keeping me here is the amount of stress that will be put in my life after I leave. First of all we have a 2 year old son together which automatically makes these kind of decisions more difficult. When I had my son 2 years ago we were happy and excited to spend life together as a family but here we are in a totally different place. I just know there’s someone else out there that will give me everything I need from a relationship and he is not that person. If I leave I will take our child with me because we are not married which means I have the legal rights to him. Not that I’d keep my son away from his dad but I know that he will constantly be calling/texting me wondering where I am what I’m doing who I’m with where our son is when is he going to see our son blah blah blah I’ll have to deal with it every day of my life and I’m already annoyed just thinking about it. Honestly if I leave I don’t want to have anything to do with him much less have to talk to him every day. I probably sound like a bitch but I’m just so exhausted I don’t know of any other way to put this. I’ll have to move in with my parents because I don’t have enough money of my own right now saved to get a place of my own. We live in the same house together and I’d be the one to move out, not him. I just feel like if I stay it’s easier on everyone else. Our families, our son, our finances etc. but i know that I’ll be happier with someone else. So I feel selfish because I’m breaking up my family for my own selfish desires. I don’t know maybe I’m looking at this all wrong but I have no idea what to do I don’t need the extra stress that leaving is going to cause in my life. That’s why I’ve just been pretending that I’m happy when I’m not. Less stress and I just keep to myself.

    #875188 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Where to begin with this …

    No one else is going to make you happy. This isn’t just some self-help, woo-woo BS. It’s true. There is not “someone else out there” who will give you everything you need. That person doesn’t exist. You have to do something to bring yourself some satisfaction in life. Thinking that someone else holds the key is a big mistake, and you will be chasing that for the rest of your life without finding it, because it isn’t anyone else’s job to make you happy.

    Do you have a vocation? Any interests? Any friends? Do you read books, or play an instrument, or exercise? Do you have any talents? Do you have anything that you’ve ever wanted to learn how to do?

    Before you turn your kid’s life upside down — and of course he has the right to see his child, for chrissakes — put some effort into your own life. Decide you’re going to go after something, anything, so that you can give yourself some focus and sense of empowerment. Then start trying to notice good things about your husband and complimenting him. See what happens.

    It just doesn’t sound like it’s even occurred to you to take some positive action for yourself. You want some guy to fix everything. That never works, just so you know.

    #875196 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Not sure why you think you’d automatically get custody of your son. Even though you’re not married your boyfriend has rights to his son. If he can provide a home for him & all you can provide is a room at grandma’s, your boyfriend will get primary custody. If he takes you to court. Which sounds like he’d do if you’re worried about him contacting you daily asking about his son. You’re coming across very entitled. Completely disregarding what’s in the best interests of your boyfriend and son. Leave if you want to, but your son deserves to have a relationship with his dad. You will have to deal with your boyfriend for the rest of your life. When you see your first grandchild for the first time he will be there. That’s what happens when you have a child with someone

    #875205 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Since you have a child whom you are unable to support on your own and have given no examples of what is lacking in your relationship, I think you should be evaluated for depression and give couples counseling a try before you just split. You describe how happy you and bf used to be. It sounds like you are past the honeymoon period, have the stress of childcare, and perhaps are seeking the passionate high of a new relationship.

    I agree that you need to be able to be happy within yourself to be successful in a relationship and that is being both unrealistic and passive to expect to find a guy who will meet all of your needs. I don’t think you are entitled. You’re obviously unhappy. You haven’t written enough to tell whether that unhappiness comes from within or from your relationship.

    #875217 Reply

    How long have you been feeling like this?

    The thing is you don’t know that there is someone out there that will give you everything you think you’re missing. You think there is. You hope there is. You fantasize there is. The truth is, there is not someone who is going to come into your life and magically make everything stress free and wonderful. There is no one out there who can fulfill all your needs and make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. That’s the truth. You need to work on your happiness on your own. A person can make things more enjoyable. They can make things fun. But they can’t take away all your problems and make you happy long term. How easy do you think dating as a single mom will be? Do you already have someone lined up?

    Your child’s father does legally have parental rights even if you are not married. Is he named on the birth certificate? It is in your son’s best interest to have a healthy relationship with his father. Is that annoying and complicated? Yes. Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to parenthood. It’s full of annoyances and complications. Which is why you need to really think about this decision. He has money because he works and pays the bills, right? He could hire a lawyer and file for custody, I assume. (I’m not a a lawyer and there are lawyers who might chime in here in these forums.) He has a stable home and a job. On paper that might give him an advantage over you. Have you asked your parents about your intention to move in?

    If you’re tired and burnt out, maybe you just need a break. Could your bf take care of your son and you could go stay with your parents for a few days? Or weeks?

    I don’t want to encourage you to stay in an unhappy relationship but I also don’t want advise you to leave your bf because it will blow your life up. You say you get along. He supports you financially, right? Whether you want it or not, you are stuck with him for life because you made a baby together. That’s the commitment you make when you chose to have a child with him.

    Think about it more. Heavily weigh your options here. Could you see a counselor? Talk to a friend or your parents about this? Don’t make a rash decision that you will regret.

    #875219 Reply
    avatarJennifer
    Guest

    Can you please write back in and tell us more about what is wrong in your relationship? I agree with everyone else. It doesn’t sound like your partner is the problem. It sounds like you are depressed and looking for a magic bullet to lift you out of your depression. However, you can’t run from yourself. You will follow you into every next relationship. If you can’t fix yourself, your next relationship is doomed from the start.

    I urge you to please get help. I know what it’s like to feel like this, and it sucks. If you take a deep breath and try to figure out what the root cause of your mental state is, in the long run, you will be so much happier. Maybe you will come to find that your partner actually isn’t the one for you. Maybe you’ll realize he’s the great guy you felt from the start. But, you need to actually dig to find out where this is coming from.

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