Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I stay or should I go?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Should I stay or should I go?

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  • #1101942 Reply

    I’m with a man who I’m totally in love with. He says he loves me too and shows it all the time.
    We’ve been together almost 2 years and he says that he’s on the point of either asking me to marry him or to split up- big difference!!
    He says he loves me, I’m the best partner he’s ever had. His daughter adores me and I love her. His worry is that we have a lot of differences and he wonders if he was with someone more like him it might be easier.
    He’s a business person and in tech and I’m an academic scientist.
    I think that we work because where one of us is weaker, the other is stronger. He’s my best friend.
    He also says that because his body has gone through massive changes- he’s now got a six pack and used to be chubby,he wonders what it would be like to be desirable and have women after him and kind of wishes he could play about.
    He was married before and doesn’t want to make a mistake again.

    I want it to work and genuinely believe we are great together. What do I do? Carry on and wait? Try to convince him? Tell him to get lost? I don’t know.
    We talked about a break but I told him I wouldn’t be sitting waiting on him once he was done screwing around. It made me rage a bit!

    #1101946 Reply

    If a guy is going to choose between marrying you or breaking up with you that’s a pretty big check in the negative column. It sounds like he’s getting some attention from the ladies and it has switched his ego on but he doesn’t want to the the bad guy with you. And, to be fair, it does sound like you have some decent fundamental differences. Considering all that you don’t have to wait for him, you have agency here too. Take some time to think about what you really want in a relationship and whether or not yours as it is meets those standards. All I can say is if a guy really wants to marry you nothing will stop him.

    #1101948 Reply

    MOA. He wants to. He’s decided he may be out of your league and wants permission to test that theory before returning to you, if he finds he can’t do better. That warrants a strong Hell No! If he returns after his great adventure, you will both know that in his mind, he settled.

    #1101949 Reply

    He sounds like a douche. You loved him when not fit, he got fit and now he wants to throw that away in case what… someone “better” comes along? You find him desirable, why isn’t that good enough?

    If you stay together will he resent not getting to play the field? Will he be tempted to cheat because someone else finds him attractive? I’d be devastated but running for the hills if someone said this to me: I’m not going to be the barrier between someone and their perceived version of happiness.

    #1101952 Reply

    I responded by mistake on the thread about the married neighbor, but yeah, these people are right 🙁

    #1101953 Reply

    Break up with him. I know that it’s painful but if now, at the point when he is supposedly going to propose, he wants to have sex with other women, it’s only going to get worse for you when you’re together.

    ” His worry is that we have a lot of differences and he wonders if he was with someone more like him it might be easier. He’s a business person and in tech and I’m an academic scientist.”

    His worries are pretextual. He’s not happy with you and is trying to come up with a non-critical reason so he’s saying you have too many differences.

    #1101960 Reply

    I’d bet money he’s already shopping around for women who find his six pack irresistible. Doesn’t sound like he wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Just wants to be desired by as many women as he can. He sounds like a cad. He was married before and doesn’t want to make the same mistake. This guy isn’t going to marry you. He’s taking all you have to offer and giving you nothing in return.

    #1101964 Reply

    Stay for what? To see if he chooses you? To see if he strays and then chooses you?

    Break up and move on. You will be happier, I promise. Someone doesn’t love you if they tell you they’d either marry you or go sow their wild oats because they now have a six pack. He’s essentially telling you he didn’t leave before because he didn’t think he could do better, but now he does.

    I’m sorry. He’s a huge jerk, I know you love him but don’t stay to let him hurt you more.

    #1101967 Reply


    #1101970 Reply

    Yeah, this is a “run” situation. I think you’re wanting to see this as fixable, and trying to hear the “I might marry” you part of his bullshit statement, when really you should be hearing alarm bells that say, he wants something else and may already be cheating.

    #1101971 Reply

    I just don’t see this working out. I’m reading the original post and it just sounds like he’s saying “I can see myself settling for you or I can see what else is out there.”

    Last night I was reading a post from a guy that was just so happy to be married to his wife. She was sleeping and he really wanted to wake her just to tell her how much he loved her and how lucky he was but he didn’t want to wake her because, that’s not going to make her happy. So he was just giggling to himself letting the world know how in love he was.

    That’s what I want for you. Not this pile of poo your BF has tried to shine up like a trophy.

    #1101974 Reply

    Self respect is worth walking away from this guy. The best revenge for you is to preserve your dignity, self worth and esteem by running. Do not let his stupid choices make you feel bad about yourself. He lost a real one. You did not. You can’t change how he behaves or feels, but you can change how you allow people to treat you. You should walk away when you aren’t treated well.

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