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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I stay with my boyfriend?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I stay with my boyfriend?

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 15 total)
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  • #1100503 Reply
    Angel
    Guest

    This may be a pretty lengthy post but I really appreciate any advice/opinions I can get.

    I first met my boyfriend in July of this year – it was originally just meant to be a hookup but we enjoyed each other’s company a lot and ended up becoming ‘friends with benefits’ and then eventually dating. He made me his girlfriend in October and told me that he was in love with me. He said he had never felt like this about anyone. I had never felt so happy – we have tons in common, we none stop laugh when we are together, super understanding of each other and have a great sex life. (The only red flag was that he never had me round to his house other than when we first hooked up – he said that his sister had moved in with him and she was super depressed so didn’t want me round). However, the day after he made me his girlfriend I had stumbled across a woman’s profile on Instagram and soon realised that my boyfriend had another girlfriend. Once I confronted him about it, he eventually came out and said it was a super troublesome (practically abusive) relationship and he had been trying to end it. He kept saying how they hadn’t had sex since me and him started seeing each other. Maybe I was naive in believing him and helping him, but he ended it with her and kept reassuring me that he was in love with me and only interested in me. Once they ended it they had met up a few times and he didn’t tell me, until I confronted him and he said it was just for closure. Obviously this situation made me super anxious and paranoid but we both worked through it together. Then a few weeks later I found out that he was living with his ‘ex’ fiancée and her ‘new partner’. (I never knew he was previously engaged). I’m not entirely sure they have broken up, but I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid because of the previous issue we had. If they were still together, then that is obviously why he won’t have me round to his house. I did some digging and it turns out his sister isn’t at his house at all, but he keeps telling me stories of her being at his.

    What do I do?!?

    #1100504 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    OMG. You break up with him. He “made you his girlfriend,” now you make him your ex. Fuck this guy, and what are you thinking?!

    He’s had a girlfriend this entire time, if not a fiancée, and he’s never stopped lying to you. Why are you putting up with this?

    #1100505 Reply
    Angel
    Guest

    I have no idea. He seems genuinely guilty about it. Plus he makes me feel loved and cared for. But I think I am maybe being manipulated. My head is all over the place to be honest!

    #1100507 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    You are not his girlfriend. You’re his side piece. His girlfriend is the woman who has been there form the beginning that he lives with. Why are you willing to put with lies & infidelity? When he told you he hasn’t slept with his ex since getting with you that was a lie. Everything he’s said is a lie. You can do so much better than this jerk

    #1100509 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    “Should I stay with my boyfriend?”

    No.

    You should have broken up with him when he said “it was a super troublesome (practically abusive) relationship and he had been trying to end it.”

    How did he try to end it? Did he try using the words “we’re not together anymore”? Or maybe “I’m breaking up with you”? Did he try to break up but accidentally proposed to her instead? “Oppsie-doodle now I’m engaged and all over instagram!”

    C’mon girl. Open your eyes here. Don’t put up with this nonsense no matter how good the sex is.

    #1100512 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Ooh boy, you need to aim a whole lot higher than this. You say he makes you feel loved and cared for, but this is NOT what love and care look like. You know that, right? Love isn’t endless lies.

    #1100523 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    He does NOT make you feel loved and cared for, sheesh. He makes you feel confused and paranoid (your words!!).

    Is that how you want to feel in a relationship? He is a lying liar who lies, and it’s mind-blowing that you would even consider staying with this person for five more seconds. Get some self-worth, any way you can. Therapy, books, workshops, something. Your naïveté is downright dangerous.

    #1100527 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    If he’s in an abusive relationship, there are services to help him. Not your job to “save” him. And I really really doubt that’s actually the case. Guys who are actually abused rarely feel safe enough to start cheating on their abusive spouses.
    This is nothing more than “She doesn’t understand me the way you do!” which is bullshit.

    He’s a liar and a cheat. You deserve better.

    #1100530 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You should also know, he’s feeding you CLASSIC cliched lines that men always use when they get caught cheating on their wife or partner: She was crazy and abusive! We never had sex! Yes, okay, we’re still living together but only as roommates! Literally, this is always what they say, and it’s always bullshit. Right now what you’re doing is willfully enabling this type of bullshit and continuing to give men a pass for cheating.

    #1100533 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    “He seems genuinely guilty.” Has it ever occurred to you that he’s acting? That he’s lying? There are a lot of lying assholes out there. Don’t distrust everyone, but Jesus, be skeptical. His lies don’t add up! You can’t even go in his house. You’re smarter than this, I know. You wish things were different and he was being honest. But he isn’t.

    There are probably at least ten or more fairly recent posts just like yours. It’s really easy for men to cheat, especially with apps now. It’s very common. I’m sorry. I know it really sucks and it hurts but you have to have your eyes open a little wider.

    There are websites, books and literal seminars about how to play women and how to cheat successfully. But he’s not even being that smart about it. He’s cheating in front of you and you are choosing to believe what he says rather than what you can see.

    #1100534 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Also, please get tested if you haven’t been using protection. It’s likely he could be seeing more women on the side as well.

    #1100540 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    To build on Anonymousse’s point, for the whole, what, 4-5 months of this thing, you’ve gone along with whatever this guy wants. He wants sex? Cool? FWB? Great. Dating? Yes please. Girlfriend? Absolutely. Side chick? Sure. Total dupe who believes whatever he says? Yup.
    Anything he wants. Which has only led to more and more bullshit. And will only get worse the more you put up with.

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