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Dear Wendy

Should I take my disloyal boyfriend back?

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  • #879665 Reply
    avatarNikki
    Guest

    I know a lot of you are thinking “No!” but listen to the whole story…I found out my boyfriend was cheating about 2 months into our relationship (just flirting over text but from the context of them i figured sleeping with other women as well). He apologized, I made the decision to stay with him, whatever. We’ve been together a year now, well until he broke up with me last week. The night after we broke up he called and begged for me back, saying he had been cheating on me THE ENTIRE YEAR. This is also just texting and flirting as far as I know, but could most likely be more than that. I explained how I couldn’t trust him, didn’t want him back, etc. Here’s where the story gets crazy. The next day he has a complete psychotic breakdown due to underlying mental illness, ends up in a mental institution (where he still is), and the only thing he wants is me. I know him as being a good liar, but the little bit I have been able to speak with him (which is very very little considering he can only stay lucid for minutes at a time) he sounded so sincere and genuinely sorry. He even told his parents how badly he’s treated me and how he will do anything to make it up to me. I never officially took him back but I’m sure the topic will come up as soon as he’s able to come back home. Should I give him another chance? I think he sought out this attention from other women because of his insecurities of himself and now that he’s getting therapy, medication, and just overall help, I feel like he might actually be changed. My friends think I should stay away but I almost feel guilty for abandoning him in such a bad point in his life. Help!

    #879667 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So should you give this guy a THIRD chance who you’ve only been with a year and has cheated on you the entire time and is a great liar as well as mentally unstable and institutionalized? SURE, sounds great. I can’t think what could go wrong.

    #879668 Reply
    avatarAnother Jen
    Guest

    You didn’t abandon him. He abandoned you. After lying to you and cheating on you for a year. So, no. You shouldn’t take him back.

    For what it’s worth, he needs to focus on his mental health. Thinking you’re the one thing that can save him isn’t productive for him or for you. For one thing, you can’t. For another thing, why would you do that to yourself? He has nothing to offer you but more misery. Guilt is no reason to stay in a relationship.

    AJ

    #879680 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    No, you should not take him back. He has consistently cheated on you, including after you gave him a second chance. You will never be able to trust him. Don’t join the long line of unhappy women who convinced themselves that their love and support were enough to save/fix/change a man who wasn’t suitable without being saved/fixed/changed. He is who he is and you won’t be happy with that real version of him. What you think he can be is almost certainly a fairy tale that you have spun for yourself. His mental health issues did not cause him to cheat, nor did getting caught cause his breakdown. Walk away without guilt and seek better.

    #879681 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    This is one of those times where your heart and your gut are telling you one thing, and the people who love you are saying something different. You MUST ignore your gut, ignore your heart, and trust that the people who care about you are right. Your instincts are wrong here. This guy isn’t for you.

    I know you don’t want to, but force yourself to walk away. Cut him off. Get therapy for that self-esteem. Once you can see this situation more objectively, you can start trusting your romantic instincts again.

    #879682 Reply
    Miss MJMiss MJ
    Participant

    No. Do not take him back. Take advantage of the gift that social distancing is giving you and cut off all contact. He needs to focus on his mental health and not a relationship right now anyway.

    #879683 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You’re not Mother Teresa. He’s manipulating you.

    That you didn’t walk two months in, when you discovered the cheating the first time, indicates serious issues that YOU need to deal with. Forget about his issues and work on your co-dependency. Really. Because otherwise you’re gonna just keep dating cheaters and assholes.

    #879684 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    Why would you even consider taking him back? Run, block, and consider it a bullet missed.

    #879688 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    OMG.

    1) he should not be in a relationship at all.

    2) if this is how low your self worth is, you should look into therapy.

    Your family is right.

    He’s manipulating you.

    He sounded sincere and sorry in the few minutes he was lucid on the phone? He’s on medication, likely HEAVY medication.

    Please, look into therapy. And also you should probably get tested for STDs and STIs.

    #879689 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I’m sure the fantasy of being “the only thing he wants right now” is so strong, but on a good day, when he’s not institutionalized and feeling guilty..
    Would that mean he only wants you but also wants to cheat behind your back, too?

    You need to pay attention to his actions, not the bs he says to try to convince you he’s a changed person. His actions show he’s very good at lying to you.

    #879691 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “I think he sought out this attention from other women because of his insecurities of himself …”

    Girl, no. He doesn’t even really need to lie, ’cause you’re lying for him! To yourself! You very seriously need therapy, because even if you don’t take this guy back, your judgment needs real intervention. Without therapy — or a book at least — you’ll attract another asshole after you’re finally away from this one. Try Codependent No More.

    #879692 Reply
    avatarJodie
    Guest

    “ I found out my boyfriend was cheating about 2 months into our relationship (just flirting over text but from the context of them i figured sleeping with other women as well).”

    NO!
    And the story gets worse and crazier and it becomes a “HELL NO!”

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