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"Should I Take Our Daughter Away From Him Without Telling Him?"

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  • #848607 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I’ve been married for 2 years, together for 3. Went thru multiple cycles of breaking up, me moving out & getting back together due to his drinking habits & texting other women mainly telling them he wants to have sex with them. There were a few times when i got violent with him, and 2 wks ago he tried hugging me and I lost it pushed him off and started slapping him here & there & he pushed me we tussled and I threatened to hit him with a stone. After it was all done I thought this is too much too unhealthy. I haven’t apologized as yet but I’m thinking of how to do it.
    We still live together but staying in separate rooms 2 months now, we don’t talk unless extremely necessary. I’ll be moving 6 hours away August. I had taken some loans for him in my name, and he was always giving me some money to compensate for what was coming out of my salary, since separation… nothing. He actually said he’s not giving me anything. I want to leave without him knowing & then blocking all contact. I’ve been thinking of how it will affect my daughter but i
    am starting to realize I may have to toughen up in that area and just let it go. He has stalked, love bombed, & gaslighted when I left him last year for 3 months and since this current separation.
    Any tips on how to leave without him knowing?
    Do you think i would be wrong for ‘exing him out of my daughter’s life as well?
    What are your thoughts overall?”

    • This topic was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Dear WendyDear Wendy.
    • This topic was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Dear WendyDear Wendy.
    #848611 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    You’re right – this is an extremely toxic, unhealthy relationship and you need to get out. You do not have justification for taking your daughter away from her father though! A few unpaid loans does not warrant keeping a father away from a child. You need to see a family attorney to figure out next steps for filing fo divorce and figuring out custody. You abusing your husband is not going to help your case, and kidnapping your daughter from him could jeopardize you ever getting custody. This is real life with real consequences to your actions and you are behaving in ways that suggest you don’t understand that. It’s time to grow up and start acting like a responsible parent.

    #848617 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    JFC. Yes, you must leave this toxic relationship. No, you cannot keep you daughter from his father. She’s a person, not an object you own, and she needs stability, which includes both of her parents actively in her life and to be civil to each other. She’s been subjected to enough drama and bullshit. It should end now.

    In this order, you need to: (1) talk to a lawyer about setting up a legally binding custody and child support schedule; (2) see a therapist because you seem to have some anger and coping issues that at best, you need to talk through, but at worst, may interfere with your ability to parent your child; (3) talk to the loan provider and a lawyer about how to deal with this loan you took out for him — maybe you can assign it to him and free yourself of liability (but likely not, there’s probably a reason he couldn’t get it in his name in the first place) or setting up a legally binding repayment schedule with your ex.

    #848618 Reply

    No, you can’t disappear with your daughter and expect that to be okay. That’s kidnapping. Do you want to lose your daughter? Seriously. You are a huge source of the toxic behavior in your relationship. You’re violent. Cheating is not justification for being violent. You need to get help before you start taking your anger and emotions out on your daughter, she becomes afraid of you and your anger, or she learns from watching you and thinks this sort of behavior is normal and okay. You need to get well and learn how to mange your feelings in a healthy way. You need to be a good role model for her. Can you do that? Because right now, your husband actually seems like the more responsible and able parent.

    #848639 Reply

    Thanks to you Wendy and all members for your responses, I do appreciate it, especially about me getting help.
    I forgot to mention that my daughter is not his, but from a previous relationship.

    #848642 Reply

    Whatever you do. Don’t have any more kids. Honestly, go ahead and kidnap your daughter. Why? You just might lose her to him. And as you are violent and abusive that might be the best thing for the child. You are a decidedly unreliable narrator at best… who knows what you are at worst…

    #848643 Reply

    If he’s not her father and hasn’t legally adopted her, then he would have no claim that you kidnapped her. (Is her father in the picture?) In that case, yes, you need to get out of this toxic, unstable household even if it means ghosting him. Get help for your anger and codependency problems so you can stay away this time. Stop actively contributing to a toxic, unstable environment for your child.

    #848654 Reply

    I really hope you take the advice to get help for yourself. You’re trying to figure out a way to leave and inflict the most possible pain you can. Please don’t traumatize your daughter to make a point/seek revenge on your husband. Even if he’s not her bio dad, he’s been some kind of father figure, or at least she’s probably gotten used to seeing him around. Think about the example you are setting for her. Think about how your reactions and impulses affect her. Try to be better person and act like a reasonable adult. Contact a divorce attorney and do it the right way. Find a different outlet for your hurt and anger.

    #848676 Reply

    Ok if it’s not his kid then yeah leave and sort all the legal stuff out. Your kid would be better off without witnessing hoe you two behave with each other and any man who drinks too much and acts badly in the home can be safely erased as a positive father figure IMO. I’d say get you both into therapy too, that kid has probably seen some messed up nonsense in her time and might need to talk to someone about it.

    #848693 Reply

    So he drinks, and cheats, and you beat him…You need a time machine, and to get advice from BGM 3 years ago.

    #848709 Reply

    So true! 😉

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