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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Tell a Facebook Friend I Had an Affair With Her Partner?”

Home Forums General Chat “Should I Tell a Facebook Friend I Had an Affair With Her Partner?”

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  • #1099687 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    What do you all think about this first letter? She started dating a guy who told her he had recently ended his long distance relationship when, in fact, he was still seeing the woman the long distance girlfriend. It wasn’t until months later, after the LW fell in love with him, that he confessed the truth. And it turns out the LW knows the other woman – is Facebook friends with her – and the other woman will be passing through her town and would like to meet up. The LW wants to know whether she should tell the woman that her boyfriend has been cheating on her.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/02/magazine/affair-cheating-ethics.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&fbclid=IwAR1NmUriQsvg0rcpBGCwkoGb3VB8OZLkKZKPi3Mn5uyHFMTiYVmp5jkzMvc

    #1099688 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    bump

    #1099694 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I saw this on my Facebook timeline earlier! I thought it was super weird that he told the LW that his ex gave him permission to date someone new. I’d think this was a red flag if a guy phrased it like this. And the LW should’ve cut ties when he told her that she was the other woman.

    So I dunno. The LW’s motivation seem more rooted in revenge than wanting to let an online friend know what kind of man she’s with. The easiest thing to do would be to cut ties with both since she doesn’t really know this woman and at this point any real friendship likely isn’t gonna happen… but then I also think that if I were the girlfriend, I’d want to know. I don’t think the LW should meet up with this woman IRL to deliver the news, though — she can accomplish the same thing through a Facebook message.

    #1099695 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    Tell if you want. I don’t really have a lot of sympathy towards cheaters.

    But, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re doing some noble thing to stand up for the girlfriend. The same righteous indignation *could* have kicked in back when you knew he was cheating, but before you realized you couldn’t “win” him over … but it didn’t.

    If you tell, you’re doing it to punish him. That’s fine. But recognize it for what it is.

    #1099696 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    The first LW isn’t being honest with her motivations. She barely knows this person and if they became FB “friends” because of mutual friends, she has to consider the fall out when she makes it public that she was the other woman. If she had broken things off and told the woman right away… maybe it would be a kindness.

    But she’s doing this to hurt her former partner. He didn’t choose her. So she’s going to blow up the relationship he chose.

    The second letter… woof. I’d be tempted to say “I see no reason to get to know someone that you’re going to throw away.”

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