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Dear Wendy

Should I tell him I was pregnant?

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Northern Star 4 months ago.

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  • #736135 Reply
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    Samie

    My boyfriend just returned home from a drug rehab center (6 month program) he’s doing very well. I found out I was pregnant a few days ago, and I haven’t told him hey. However, this morning I ended up miscarrying. Should I still tell him or not say anything? I guess my main concern is telling him and stressing out about it. But then I feel like he deserves to know. Thoughts?

    #736137 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Who got you pregnant? If someone else, maybe you need to let him know you were having sex with other guys. If him, he doesn’t “deserve to know” shit, but maybe talk to him about using a more reliable form of birth control. Or just do that yourself.

    #736141 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Should you tell your boyfriend you were pregnant with someone else’s baby? Or that you had no idea you were pregnant for over 6 months? This doesn’t make sense.

    But generally you don’t owe an explanation of your medical condition to anyone unless it puts them at risk or would effect their lives.

    If you cheated then that’s for you to decide if you tell him but get tested and use protection – and I dunno – maybe don’t cheat.

    #736142 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Or did you just get pregnant when he came home? In any case, he is owed an explanation. Particularly if you think it would do more harm than good.

    #736143 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    *isn’t

    #736148 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    There is really no point. I hope you’re feeling ok? Please use better contraception. Do not have a child with someone who has addiction issues. Especially if they’ve not managed to stay clear for more then a year without being in rehab. They have to be actively managing their addiction by going to meetings etc during that entire time of being clean. It’s not something that can be slacked off. An addict is not a good bet as a parent, until their addiction is under control & for some people it never is. No magical thinking is going to change that.

    #736182 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Yeah, you don’t say whose baby it is or even how you felt about the situation. Like, were you excited when you found out you were pregnant? Sad when you found out you miscarried? If it was his baby, there may no longer be a point to telling him, but I think I’d tell a boyfriend if that happened to me/us notwithstanding. If it wasn’t his, I at a minimum thinks he should know you were sleeping with other people.

    #736197 Reply
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    ele4phant

    First of all, how are you doing? Take care of you first, if you need it.

    Let’s put aside whether or not this was his kid. If you were cheating on him, that’s a separate issue in your relationship.

    Let’s take at face value that he got you pregnant. Some people are of the mindset that women are morally obligated to tell their partners if they get pregnant and then have a miscarriage (or abortion). I disagree, I think that’s your personal business, your body, and your choice to tell him. I don’t care if a woman is married and already have three kids already with her husband, if she gets pregnant and wants to get an abortion without telling her husband, that is her right. She is not morally wrong for keeping that to herself, that is her right.

    That said, just because no woman is morally obligated to tell her partner if she was pregnant but is no longer, there may be consequences to her relationship that she wants to weigh in deciding whether it’s something to share or not.

    I can’t say for you whether or not it’s a good idea to tell him. His recovery is a concern, but ultimately I think your first responsibility is to yourself. What is best for you and your mental health? Is carrying this by yourself going to weigh on you? If you knew telling him was going to upset him, and potentially upset your relationship, what would that do for you? What if he found out without you telling him, what are the consequences then? Can you live with those?

    #736211 Reply
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    Northern Star

    If the baby was his, and you’re struggling with the miscarriage, and you feel you have a strong relationship—it may be helpful to you to tell.

    If the baby wasn’t his, perhaps you should take a break from the relationship (and not tell). Maybe taking a break from a freshly-recovering drug addict is a good idea, regardless. Consider carefully whether you want to hitch your wagon to someone who will always struggle to stay clean and sober.

    Lastly, if you are worried that bad news could push him back into drugs, remember this: You cannot keep his life stress-free forever. If he can’t handle bad news without reverting, he may never be a reliable partner.

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