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“Should I Tell My Dad I’m Having Sex With My Boyfriend?”

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This topic contains 41 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hazel 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #822374 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    “I have been with my boyfriend for the past four months. We live in the same city and he recently came to visit me at my mom’s (in a different state) where I’ve been staying for the winter break. My mom knows that we are having sex and is okay with it, as we love each other very much and he’s incredibly kind and respectful, etc. My father and stepmother (who I live with) however, have made a strict rule that I am not allowed to be alone with him in private. He comes over sometimes when they are there, and they seem to like him, but it feels like they have a stranglehold on this incredibly intimate part of my life that I know I am ready for. Thus, I haven’t told them. I hate sneaking around and lying, and would much rather them know where I am and just be able to have them trust me and trust that I am safe. Plus, I am having difficulty getting to an OBGYN to make sure that I’m safe and healthy without their knowledge. My boyfriend and I really want to have alone time, not just to have sex but also to be able to cuddle and be intimate and to not always be surrounded by people. He, being 18 (I’m 17), does not live with his parents and shares an apartment with his very nice brother. One idea he’s had is that I could sleep over there if my dad isn’t comfortable with us being alone at my house.

    My boyfriend has told me that he wants to talk to my parents and let them know how much he loves and cares about me and hopes that it will help. I’m struggling with the question of whether I should tell my parents straight up that we’ve had sex, or if we should just ask for alone time. I really don’t know what to do, as I don’t want this to drive a wedge between my relationship with my family. I know that my boyfriend and I are making good and safe choices and we are so happy together. I just want to be alone with him. I don’t know if my dad would even want to know that we are having sex. Should I just hint at it by asking for alone time or should I tell him and my stepmother straight up? I also really don’t want my boyfriend to be treated badly by my family after they find out. The two of us have dreams of going on camping weekends and adventures this summer and it feels like we are so far away from that even being remotely possible. I will be 18 in just four months, though I don’t know that it makes any difference.

    Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.”

    #822377 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    I don’t really see why you feel the need for your parents to know you are having sex. Even if you are, and they accept this as reality, they aren’t really going to be “ok” with it. Most parents aren’t. Go to planned parenthood for birth control so you can bypass the OBGYN. I mean, I am not sure why you are having trouble going, you just call and make an appointment. You do not need your parents there at your age. But if it is for some reason a problem then go the PP route. You are 17, you do not get the same freedom as when you are an adult. That includes parents not letting you be alone to have sex. You telling him isn’t likely to change that. When you are 18, if you live at home, you still may have to comply with their rules, but you are old enough to move out and do as you please.
    I would keep in mind though that you likely won’t stay with your boyfriend, even though I know you think you will, so it is not necessarily worth causing a huge amount of drama over it. I do understand an overall desire for more freedom but that is something you have to discuss with your parents. Or do whatever every single other teenager does in life, and say you are spending the night with a girlfriend then stay at your boyfriends.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar JD.
    #822379 Reply
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    ron

    How long are you going to be living with your father? It is concerning that you say you can’t go to an ob/gyn in order to be safe. So you are having unprotected sex. Whatever happened to condoms? You sound too immature to be having sex with your bf. And no, of course you don’t tell your father.

    #822390 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I would also add that depending on the laws of where you live or are visiting, your boyfriend could be committing a crime having sex with you. If your father gets bent out of shape, he could report it.*

    *I agree that it would be absurd to do this, but people have been put on sex offender lists for things like this.

    #822391 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Smh. You don’t tell your father you’re having sex or ask for “alone time.” You do what generations of teens have done and grab the alone time when and where you can get it, while following your dad’s rules because you’re underage and it’s his house. Meanwhile you get your boyfriend to take you to Planned Parenthood or a clinic and get a highly reliable form of birth control, and until that’s in place, you use a condom every single time no matter what and no “oh, just the tip, just for a minute.” Gosh.

    #822393 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    OMG.
    Do what Kate said and please use two forms of birth control (pill, IUD, etc AND a condom every damn time.)

    #822395 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    @kate nailed it.

    #822419 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Yup -believe me your dad does not want to know. I mean, he probably already knows which is why he’s got these rules in place. Knowing for certain will only mean he makes more rules.

    Two forms of BC please. Condoms with spermicide if you can’t also get on the pill or use a barrier method. Fails happen. Things go wrong. Pick up a plan B just in case and have it ready.

    Do they still make the sponge? Those were great.

    #822421 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It looks like the Today Sponge is available (for a while it wasn’t), but is only 76-88% effective with typical use. WITH a condom though, it’s a great option. I used it in HS.

    #822424 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    I love how you think you have some sort of right to have sex with your boyfriend in your dad’s house as an underage teen.

    If you can’t figure out a way to get birth control, you are not responsible enough to have sex.

    #822425 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    And your mom is completely foolish, too, since she’s “OK” with you having sex, but didn’t take you to a OBGYN herself over winter break. Geez.

    #822434 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I don’t know if my dad would even want to know that we are having sex.

    Omg. He doesn’t! What @kate said. Your situation isn’t exactly unique, I dealt with my parents’ rules about boyfriends until I went to college, and again when I lived at home for a year in my mid-20s. And when my regular doctor refused to prescribe me BC when I asked for it because it went against his beliefs, I went to a Planned Parenthood with my boyfriend at the time.

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