Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should this hurt?

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  • #964731 Reply

    We been seeing each other for over a year.
    He was badly hurt by a previous relationship.
    Now he doesn’t want to show anyone on his social media anything about me. His close friends know me and his family for sure. I’m not exactly hidden. He posts everything else about his life except for me.
    We could be at dinner and he will post his food and tag the restaurant but not me. I won’t even be featured and I’m sitting right next to him. He says it’s cause it’s nobody’s business.
    But it kinda hurts. And he knows it, it’s been an issue for some time.

    #964732 Reply

    Big question is who does he not want to know that he is in a relationship.

    After a year he should be loud and proud to be with you. It hurt my heart to read your post. Please do not let this man dim your light you any longer.

    #964733 Reply

    We say this all the time on these forums and it rings true here. A guy who wants to be with you will act like he wants to be with you. He’ll post about you, introduce you to his friends and family, make it “social media official”, whatever. He’ll be proud to post photos of you together.

    Also, guys who use the tired excuse of being hurt in the past are usually using it to try to get you to stick around for behavior they know is shady and crappy. A good guy doesn’t let being hurt in the past prevent him from acting like a decent boyfriend. Everyone has hurt in their past, he’s either got a lot of work to do getting over it before he’s ready to date again and he’s wasting your time, or he’s using that to keep you on the hook while he has other ladies around and is wasting your time.

    #964734 Reply

    Just know, going forward, that “badly hurt by a previous relationship” is nonsense. It’s often a convenient excuse for keeping the brakes on.

    He doesn’t put you on social media because he doesn’t want the public at large to know he’s dating you. Is that okay with you? Forget whatever reasons he gives, just decide — is that okay with YOU? You get to decide that.

    #964737 Reply

    His dinner is interesting and everyone’s business? But he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s with you. If you’ve told him this hurts your feelings and he doesn’t honor that or console you, he’s not a nice guy. No, you don’t feel hurt like this when you’re in a happy relationship. Talk to him again, see how he reacts and then decide what you want in your life.

    #964739 Reply

    I don’t see it this way…maybe because I’m a private person and I don’t post anything too personal on my Facebook. I’ll post food and sceneries but barely any pictures of my kids and husband. People in my real life know them and that’s the way I like to keep it. Even when we were dating, I don’t post couple pictures, unless they were posted by friends or in a group setting. I think it’s just preference and comfort level, as long as he’s not hiding you in real life.

    #964745 Reply

    If he was a really private person he’d hardly be posting pictures of his food and where he is I reckon.If he isn’t cheating, he’s making sure he doesn’t reduce his chances of future liaisons by keeping you out of the picture.Agree re the “hurt in the past” scenario being a useful excuse for not giving you what you might want or expect from a relationship.It sounds like it’s maybe time to tell him you need him to publicly acknowledge you and if he won’t,(and can’t give you a decent reason which he hasn’t yet) I’d consider moving on.

    #964746 Reply

    Idk. I’m more private about feelings and emotions and more open about activities, food, etc. on social media. The husband and I weren’t friends on social media for at least six months, possibly more, into our relationship. Even longer before either one of us posted anything about the other. We’re still not “Facebook official.” We’ve been together five years, married three.

    I do post about my nieces and nephew, food and vacations.

    I guess I don’t get it. Sure, I can understand feeling hurt if social media and public declarations are important. I don’t know that it’s this huge transgression you all are making it.

    Does he make you feel loved in other ways?

    #964747 Reply

    Ktfran, if it bothered your husband that you didn’t post about him and weren’t “social media official” even though you’re married, would you be willing to add that status and a few photos of him online? If he expressed that it really mattered to him? My guess is you would. Because even if you don’t particularly care, it’s a reasonable, low stakes ask that would make him feel loved and valued.

    It’s clear the LW has expressed that this matters to her, and is running into refusals and some bullshit about being hurt in the past – a very common line among shady dudes who want to leave their options open in various ways. I think that’s where I draw the line. At best she’s got a partner who won’t do a really small, common thing a year into an exclusive relationship that he knows is important to his girlfriend. The reasons behind that generally aren’t good.

    #964842 Reply

    No, I wouldn’t show my relationship status if he asked. I personally think it’s ridiculous and it’s antithetical to who I am. Pictures, perhaps if he had asked, but only if we were dating a long while and discussed long term. Not before then. There are a few pics now, like our wedding. A couple vacations. A couple when I had too much to drink.

    LW, does he not show his relationship status at all? Or does he show and it says single? That probably matters in this discussion and if it’s the later, I concede.

    I do agree about his BS line about being hurt in the past.

    #964872 Reply

    The answer to your question “Should this hurt” is not the right question. I’m going to make some wild-ass leaps here so please bear with me.

    He has introduced you to his friends and family. Does he post pictures of his family and friends and exclude you? Does he post a picture of the server at the restaurant? If he’s posting all the people around him but you – then yes, I’d say this was a problem. If he’s posting pictures of his new sneakers and chicken lettuce wraps then it sounds like he’s trying to become an influencer which is a different problem that I’m not going to address.

    If he’s posting pictures of his family and friends and you’re the glaring exception then the only reason I can come up with that would potentially be acceptable (and it’s a hella long leap) is that the ex is a jealous stalkery type. BUT – he’s posting the restaurants so I’m going to say that he’s not avoiding a stalker.

    So in conclusion – he’s showing the things (but not the people) he likes and leaving his relationships private OR he’s a big jerk.

    #964883 Reply

    I can get on board with the way ListforLeslie frames the question.

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