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Dear Wendy

Single Mom?

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #843940 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    Hi! I LOVE being a single mom. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to co-parent. I have a lot of help from my family though. One of my sisters is just like a parent to my son. He totally prefers her! (To be the only parent and still not the favorite, that stings lol). I have a couple of friends I met through my son’s daycare who are also single moms, they used sperm donors. They don’t have as much help as I do, but they also don’t have as demanding of a job as I do, time-wise. Everything works out. You will make do. You might have to move, change jobs, homes, etc but that’s life, and it’s so fun! You sound as ready as anyone can be! There are a lot of sacrifices but I personally don’t mind the “
    sacrifices at all. They don’t feel like sacrifices. In my case, I literally am with my son or working and there’s no time for anything else. (If I really cared I’d make time – meaning you could too – but I really enjoy time with my son. I thought 1 was the best age and then he turned 2 and that was the best but then he turned 3 and holy shit 3 is the best age ever but then he turned 3.5 years old and this is it, it can’t possibly be better than 3.5! We have so much fun riding scooters around the city (I got a scooter too!) and taking the bus to museums and just chilling at home. And outside of my son I’m really focused on my career so those two things are my top priority. But, I look like crap and I don’t date and I don’t do things like go to the spa or gym or leisurely reading or go to nice restaurants unless for work, and my entire condo is like a playpen with toys everywhere, and I only seem to watch kids cartoons and I have never been happier, ha! I wish I had started 10 years ago and had 5 kids. 🙂 I keep telling myself though it’s time to focus more on me and go to the gym and try to make adult friends but… ugh that sounds so draining. Ok it’s 9 pm CT I need to go out that crazy boy in bed, I have so much work to do. ….. Miss you guys!

    #843941 Reply
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    Vathena

    No worries if you felt like you were sounding defensive, I didn’t think that at all! My daughter turns 6 soon, so I was just tossing out all the things I think I should’ve maybe checked out a bit more before getting pregnant. Haha! If there were an ideal situation for becoming a single parent by choice, then you probably have it. My husband is a great dad and partner, but we don’t have family within 1000 miles and our closest friends here also had infants at the same time so everyone’s hands were pretty full. Plus my husband has a lot of business travel. My mom lives across the country and is just now preparing to retire. Definitely game out your monthly budget and consider your mom’s physical health/stamina – taking care of an infant or toddler is Hard Labor and physically exhausting. Are you thinking she’ll be your care provider for the first year? Neither my MIL nor my mom had the physical ability to do full-time child care when my daughter was that age, though they’re both fine to do a weekend here and there now that she’s older and more independent. (Also, you obviously know your mom best, but I’ve heard plenty of stories about grandparents who love the idea of grandchildren but in reality aren’t willing to help at all. So think about what you will do if she doesn’t come through.)

    Also, what Momto1 said- parenting is a relentless grind and a huge responsibility. It’s great that you have a supportive village nearby, but it’s HARD. It is also humbling and amazing. One perk of single parenting is you don’t have a partner to resent and you’re fully in charge of every decision, so there’s that too. 😉

    I would also love an update from Addie Pray!

    #843942 Reply
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    Vathena

    OMG WE POSTED AT THE SAME TIME

    #843943 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    Also! Sorry I have more rambling to do. (As an update my son is in bed but I’m just waiting for him to fall sleep before I can go work. I know, I messed up with the proper sleep training I know). If you are ready to have a baby on your own and look forward to the life changes I say go for it! You won’t regret it. Things that helped/help me do it on my own: family, having a daycare with families with diverse backgrounds (it really helps that my son sees other nontraditional families, makes him feel less different I think, or that’s what I think), a cleaning lady, friends with older kids to recommend schools, doctors, etc. I used the same OB, kids doctor, etc as a colleague – hey she’s through and did all the research, it was efficient to piggyback!… what else? I don’t know. Things that would really fucking help: if this boy, bless him, would fall to fuck asleep, it’s 9:30 pm for christ’s Same! I literally have a good 3 hours of work to do and I’m tired! Things that don’t help: other people with their own fears projecting on me. When i was pregnant I heard so many “omg what are you going to do about X, y or z!” And it was annoying. Bc I knew they’d never ask that of a married person and I knew they were just projecting their own fears if they were in my shoes – and those fears weren’t mine. I’m not sure if all that made sense. Ok I have to make him fall asleep. I don’t know how to do that. I piece of advice: really focus on getting your baby to sleep through the night, mine was always the worst sleeper and i don’t put in enough effort to fix it!

    #843944 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    Update: i think he’s asleep. It’s 9:45 pm. This is seriously ridiculous! When he goes to college, will he still need his mom to fall asleep? Also, I will have to sneak into his dorm room to cut his nails while he’s sleeping bc that’s the only way they’ll get cut. Surely he’ll learn to cut his nails or at least let me cut them while he’s a whale, before college, right? Ok, gonna go log in. Kids really are the best. Especially when they get to bed at decent hours

    #843947 Reply
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    Momto1

    I fully 2nd the getting the sleeping through the night thing figured out. My whole world changed once we started sleeping through the night again. The other piece of advice is to make sure to get all your legal dealings in order. I had to have a c-section because she was breach. I made sure I had a medical and durable power of attorney before surgery and then updated my will and such after she was born. I don’t know if everyone does this but I am in the medical world and my brother is an attorney so it was important to me.
    Addie Pray – nails…..who knew they’d be such a struggle. It’s like wrangling a greased cat some days to get them cut…..

    #843948 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    Also (Sorry can’t stop – I was never good at not rambling on DW), I had just turned 36 when i had my son. I was not young… but also didn’t feel old. Now I’m 40. I aged 20 years in those 4 years, weird how that happens!

    For more updates that may not help you at all but I’m really in procrastination mode: so pregnancy was fun for me. I was really tired but didn’t have much sickness or any complication. I realize now how lucky I was. Fortunately I had an easy job and no responsibilities so could come home and sleep all evening. I figured since pregnancy was a cake walk labor would be too. Wrong. It lasted 20 hours and … ouch! Breast feeding was enjoyable for me. But weening my kid off the breast was hard. I breastfed longer than i wanted bc It was hard to say no to him! Eventually I did obviously. And it was fine. People should really do what they feel is right. So so many people said you have to breast feed until 1 but not later or some blah blah blah. The unsolicited advice i sweat is doubled when you’re a single mom. …. Then around 2.75 years old he became potty trained and that was a big new phase that coincided with him sleeping through the night. My theory is he’s a light sleeper and even a slightly wet diaper would wake him. That theory made me feel better about my failed parenting in the sleeping department. (I kid mostly.) And now here we are at 3.5 and this new phase is so easy! I wish work weren’t quite as busy but I do get a lot of pride and joy from my work. I’m glad I have that. About 2 years ago I was feeling stagnant at work and a new opportunity came along and I’m so glad i went for it. It also brought about a lot more money and I was able to buy my mom a house so she now lives near me. And she’s kind of a tough no nonsense grandma and i like that my son has her influence bc … I’m weak! I cave! Let’s see what else…. my biggest worries at the moment are: will he learn to put his shoes on? Have I babied him too much? Will he grow up to be a kind person (3 year olds can be so… mean!) – he’s a good boy but… 3 year olds can be so mean! And one day is he eating enough? And the next is he eating too much? … I don’t actually worry, I’ve learned I’m a pretty laid back parent. Not a lot gets my panties in a wad. I’ve also learned that just when you’re stuck deep in a particular phase and you think this is it, this is how life will be forever, something gives, and he moves on and looking back i think geez, they only lasted a few months, why did i think that was the new way of life forever? … but when you’re deep in the phase it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. People say cliche stuff like that all the time but… it’s true man.

    Someone above said you can’t plan things – people get divorced, die young, etc. So true. A good friend’s husband just died leaving her a WiFi of a toddler and pregnant with their second. He was born 10 days later. She is someone who would have ever planned to have kids on her own. Now she has to figure it out. Man I can’t imagine how hard it just be to grieve but also be present for kids who regardless of how you feel need to est and also and play, etc….ok now it’s 10:45 ish. i really need to work. I forgot how easy it is to spend hours on DW!

    #843949 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    The nails, yes! What is that about?! I’m now wondering if my mom snuck into my room at night to cut my nails while I slept bc i don’t remember her ever cutting them… maybe she still is??!!! Hmmmm…

    #843950 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Omigod! You were able to buy your mom a house?! Damn! You go, Addie.

    #843951 Reply
    Addie Pray
    Addie Pray

    Hi BGM! A real house, with a fenced in yard!!! Confession: it’s also my weekend getaway destination. So you know, there were perks for me. 🙂

    #843961 Reply
    avatar
    SM

    Thanks all for the thoughtful words and advice!!

    I have been around newborns and toddlers quite a bit. My best friend has 2 kids (8 and 2). I am the Godmother. I was around the oldest about 3 days a week until she was 5 and started kindergarten. Then their scheduled changed because of school. But I still see them at least once a week. Sometimes more, I try to be able to spend time with the youngest like I did her sister. 2 and 3 are such fun ages (even if they are testing boundaries). Their personality is developing and it’s just fun. I watch them all the time so her and her wife and do date nights, etc. Sometime in the next month I’ll have both of them so they can go away together and get some adult time in. I realize babysitting is different than being a mom full time, so we’ll see.

    My mom could probably handle a baby until about 1 or until he/she starts walking. I know I’ll need a back up plan just in case she can’t handle it.

    Also, starting the beginning of this year, my work and/or insurance now support infertility and helping cover cost. My next step is to look into how much they help and how that works.

    #843963 Reply
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    Vathena

    That’s an amazing benefit. Sounds like you have your ducks in a row as much as anyone can!

    Addie, that is a really lovely update to read. I hope my daughter wants to buy me a house one day, lol! Does your son still nap during the day? My daughter napped at daycare, but didn’t need it starting around 3-3.5. Bedtime was so late and SUCH a battle until she hit K and didn’t get daycare naps anymore! Weekends, when she didn’t nap, were so much better.

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