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Sister [35] and I [25 F] are becoming estranged

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This topic contains 36 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar MP 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #814102 Reply

    My sisters husband is not only an alcoholic, he’s very arrogant and incompetent. Even before they were married, his drinking and inability to hold a job was known. His own family told her that he was a loser…she married him anyway. When they had there first child together he was completely absent, sleeping all day and even at the hospital and not helping her at all. She suggested to my other sister who had just finished college in CA that she should move to IN to help with the baby and she would help her pay for grad school apps and get work experience. My sister agreed but while she was there she ended up having to do everything since the time the husband was supposed to be watching the baby for her to study for the GRE and fill out apps, he would leave the baby alone passed out drunk and on one occasion took the baby and my sisters older child from another relationship to a house party and drove them home drunk. The only reason we learned about this happening was because my older niece told her aunt that “daddy was sleeping at the red light and I had to yell to tell him it turned green”. My sister ended up going back on her promise and would not help pay for the applications, and called my other sister selfish for getting a part time job instead of watching the baby full time (which was never the original plan). It took 7 months for her to save for a plane ticket home and pick back up to where her professional life left off and seeing that resentment from one sister and entitlement in the other really bothered me.

    Despite the fact that he’s quit or been fired from every job and drinks heavily, my sister had another child by him and has had ANOTHER just recently. Since she was due around Xmas, when they usually come visit our family for the holidays, my parents suggested we come visit them instead. My siblings and I came but unfortunately my parents couldn’t get enough PTO and save enough to come also. Since I’ve been here for three weeks her husband has been home three times and only once was it for the entire day. He leaves at noon to “drive for uber” and doesn’t come home until 3am or 4am the next morning. Despite having a newborn to take care of, wife’s surgery to recovery from, and three other kids to take care of he’s still never home and we have to pick up the slack: cooking cleaning picking them up from school helping with homework.

    I felt torn because I love my nieces and nephews so much and don’t want them to struggle if I can help, but I also resent her husband for not caring and my sister for allowing this. I’ve been trying to ignore that resentment but today it just reached a boiling point….

    We used to live in this state when I was younger and my best friend of 18 years lives 3 hours away. Even though I moved when we were young we stayed in touch and have saved a few times to visit each other but it’s been 8 years since that was last possible. I planned to visit her for 3-4 days before I head out of state and my sister has now become angry that “my plans don’t fit into her schedule”. Even though I’ve been helping her take care of the baby, helping her recover and sacrificing my time she says that I need to be here to get the kids ready for school in the mornings and do all the other caregiving now that their holiday break has ended. She even went as far as to say that my best friend can’t stay here even for the night when she comes to pick me up because “she doesn’t know her that well and isn’t comfortable with her in the house”. Even though we’ve known their family my whole life and she was excited when I initially told her I was planning a visit and she thought my friend was coming here instead of me going there.

    I’m coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be able to see my friend: I won’t ask her to drive almost 4 hours just to get me then immediately drive back and then make that trip again a few days later. But at this point I have so much anger towards my sister for having selfish expectations of what I’m supposed to be doing for her when her own HUSBAND never comes home and has only held his newborn child twice in the week he’s been home.

    Please help me sort through these feelings. Idk if I should tell her candidly how I feel about this family and her husband, or if I should leave and just not speak to her or come visit her again.

    TLDR/ sisters husband is an alcoholic and she continues to have kids with him and expect us to drop everything and come help her.

    #814112 Reply

    Your sister doesn’t want to deal with the reality and is taking it out on others because she is in so far over her head. There isn’t much you can do other than be as supportive as you can be without disrupting your life and supporting her when/if she does leave. Obviously you can also sit down with her and explain how he is not behaving properly and you hope she makes a change. Other than that there isn’t much to do. People don’t leave until they are ready and sadly often that is when it hits the fan.

    #814114 Reply

    Your sister is in complete and total denial. She has demanded others take care of her responsibilities because her sperm donor can’t do dick for her. She’s an enabler, manipulative, and to be quite honest, treacherous.

    She made her bed, she needs to lie down in it. You have three options: Don’t go at all. Tell her that her refusal to meet you half way is unacceptable. That your needs are as important as her needs. Kids don’t change that.

    Go, but see your friend. Seeing your friend is important. She’ll have to make arrangements for the times you’re not there.

    Go, don’t see your friend and watch your sister take take take from everyone around her. I don’t recommend this one. However, if you were to do this one, i would demand that she attend alanon meetings with you every damn day you’re there. With you. So you see her there.

    #814118 Reply

    Things aren’t ever going to change with your sister. She married this guy eyes wide open, he’s exactly the man she married, she’s had 3 kids with him, and she conned her sister into free baby care and failed to meet any of her promises to her. Your parents are enabling your sister and conned you and your other sister into visiting her to help bail her out. Yes, the husband is a loser, but so is your sister. It’s time to stop hoping that she’ll magically become more than she is now. If her husband is always drunk and doesn’t work, how does he pay for his booze? That money is coming from somewhere.

    #814126 Reply

    I would run screaming from this. Ron is exactly right. Your sister is an enabler and a horrible parent for subjecting her ever-multiplying brood of children to an absent, drunk father. Maybe one day she’ll see the light but until then I wouldn’t bother with her. And really, someone should call CPS and the cops. This asshole isn’t just a drunk, he’s a criminal driving drunk with children in the car. Your sister knows that and doesn’t care. That’s really all you need to know about her. Go home.

    #814127 Reply

    I absolutely agree with juliecatherine. Your sister is just as bad. What parent, in their right mind would let a drunk man take two kids to a party, in a car, with no one else there to supervise?

    Normally, I would say don’t poke the tiger, but this is absolutely a time when I think you should (if you feel compelled to) tell it to her straight. No one has helped this situation by remaining silent and not stirring the pot about her husband’s negligence and her endless enabling. To bring multiple children into this mess is shocking and disturbing. Tell her. Tell her you love her and wish she’d be better for her kids. And then let it go.

    Sadly some people need to hit rock bottom before they change. Hopefully that doesn’t involve serious injury or worse by him drunk driving or neglecting the kids. What happens if she was sick? Or in the hospital? What happens when she doesn’t have family helping?

    You don’t need to be held hostage to her demands. Go visit your friend.

    #814134 Reply

    Great. Another letter to only strengthen my rising heterophobia. NEWSFLASH: Your breeding like a rat sister is fucking garbage. Sadly, there’s only one thing to do. Call CPS. Driving so drunk one literally falls asleep at the wheel is grounds for drastic action. Your sister’s casual enabling it? Frankly, even worse. Both your sister and her husband are unfit to be parents. Dangerously so.
    PS — How could the poor other sister NOT resent being so used and lied to? Your comment about her struck me as a bit off base.

    #814138 Reply

    BGM really tired of your bash of hetero people. I don’t get to say “why the hell would you want a dick in your mouth?” So you need to cut it out. I don’t see you happily coupled up. Enough with the bitter tirades. You are going way too far. Ive been admonished for far less on this site and I think it’s time someone tell you to tone it down.

    #814140 Reply

    Yeah, can we not be homophobic or heterophobic or racist or sexist? At least the regulars, come on.

    #814143 Reply

    BGM doesn’t need me to defend him but while I am hetero I get the outrage.

    Making bad life choices, including having children is not limited to hetero couples, but it is significantly easier for hetero couples to have children without having enough resources to take care of them.

    If this were a person talking about her brother who was married to an alcoholic man, they would not be able to have 3 children without significant financial resources and would be background checked by any surrogacy or adoption agency beyond belief. And let’s not forget the plain fact that this completely unhealthy couple can keep having kids while in some states a couple of non-alcoholic, working men can be completely barred from adopting.

    #814148 Reply

    You can be outraged without calling everyone cunts and constantly bashing them. Just like BGM didn’t chose to be attracted to men, neither did I chose to be attracted to men. The same level of respect is required on both ends.

    #814149 Reply

    I am ALL for people not having so many babies and being shitty parents, but I’m not cool with hetero bashing or gay bashing.

    Edit: although yeah, there’s truth to the argument that non-hetero people are a lot less likely to be popping out accidental babies.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar Kate.
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