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Sister – in – law to be

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  • #805840 Reply
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    Bella Winston

    Hello,

    Thanks for taking the time to read this. I really need to offload something that is troubling me and quite honestly angering me to the point I do not recognise myself.

    I am getting married this December, and have asked my fiancé’s sister to be a bridesmaid (I only did this really because my fiancé asked HER fiancé to be a groomsmen – I’m an idiot I know).

    She was very happy, flattered and lovely about the situation and seemed very interested in the wedding and whatnot, however I am now left feeling angry and hurt by the following events.

    1. She has organised to have her hair and makeup done at her own house as opposed to mine where myself and the other bridesmaids will be getting ready. I feel there is genuinely no point to this and she is detaching herself from me on the day and the other bridesmaids.

    2. She only spent 4 hours at my hen weekend as she explained she could not afford the whole weekend, however has just informed me about booking her second abroad holiday for next year.

    3. the four hours she spent at my hen party, she interfered with all the party games – I was asked questions about my husband to be and if I got them wrong I was giving a cheeky forfeit, my sister in law to be however attempted to answer these questions before I got a chance to; I felt embarrassed by this.

    4. Her fiancé, due to his “lack of money” has shortened my partners stag do by one night, leaving the other lads mad including my partner. He too, is going on a holiday next year and ordered a £30 takeaway to our house after telling my partner about the only one night at the stag do situation (bare in mind one night more would cost £40)

    Tell me if this is petty but I’m just so so so angry and cannot seem to control my anger. I would be afraid to approach them about these things as I would feel threatened (my mother in law to be has no issues with anything they are doing). I need some help/advice/ANYTHING to calm down and feel like myself again!

    Thank you in advance

    x

    #805842 Reply
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    JD

    It is not your business if someone doesn’t want to spend thousands of dollars to celebrate your many wedding events for days on end and only does a short evening. I’d rather spend my money on a proper vacation as well. Most people would. Same with the party for your husband. These really need not nor should not be weekend events. Everything is not about you. People have lives and other financial goals than your wedding.

    The hair and makeup thing is weird but I mean, whatever, you aren’t thrilled with her anyway so less time spent with her.

    #805844 Reply
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    JD

    Oh and Do NOT confront them. There is nothing to confront them about. You cannot expect everyone to want to celebrate your wedding weekend after weekend. You may want to be others do not. Your anger is very unwarranted here.

    #805845 Reply
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    Bella Winston

    my wedding weekend after weekend?

    You are absolutely right – I just thought as a bridesmaid and family member that extra effort would have been made.

    thank you

    #805846 Reply
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    JD

    Well hen weekend, guys weekend, wedding, showers? Ya. Weekend after weekend. Stop sulking or you’ll have lines for your wedding.

    #805847 Reply
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    Bella Winston

    there’s only one weekend but thanks for your input! really helped me

    #805853 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    Re the separate hair/makeup i will say that when my friend got married her sil was also a bridesmaid and decided to join us when we were almost done getting ready. It was a bit annoying/weird but really my friend got to spend her time getting ready with the rest of us and it didn’t really matter in the end.

    It’s not just one weekend and you need to stop thinking of it that way. Hen Party = time/money, Stag do = time/money, wedding =time/money. The fact that you think she should’ve spent more than 4 hours at your Hen Party instead of planning herself a vacation next year speaks volumes about your selfishness.

    If your fiance wants to extend his Stag by a day and it’s only 40 why not just pay it. If the other lads are upset they can cover it. I’m a little confused on if he’s shortening the entire Stag or just that he himself will be bowing out a day early. If people are upset that he’ll miss a day then your fiance can cover him if he really wants him there.

    People have lives and obligations beyond your wedding and you need to respect that. Focus on the positives that they’re attending at all and putting energy, time and money towards your multiple wedding events rather than the fact that they’re going to miss a few hours. Change the narrative in your head NOW and you’ll forget this whole drama when you remember your wedding, if you don’t then you’re going to be bitter and awful.

    #805855 Reply
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    ron

    It’s a good thing that you acknowledge that JD’s advice helped you, even if you were being sarcastic. You’ve turned into a bridezilla. Getting angry and considering picking a fight with your future in-laws is beyond stupid and self-centered. That would certainly get your integration into your husband’s birth family off on a good footing. In what world is 4 hours at your hen party not sufficient. Does your future husband need a multi-day bachelor do? How dare these people prioritize their annual vacation over one of your ancillary wedding events! You’re supposed to be entitled to be Queen for a day, or a week, or month, or whatever.

    You say you expect more of her because she is in the bridal party. You only added her to the bridal party, because your future husband asked her future husband to be a groomsman. She probably only accepted for the same reason and likely knows that you don’t really like her. You don’t seem one to hide your anger at perceived slights.

    You’re about to be married, it’s time to grow up. You’re not a princess.

    #805856 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    The only thing that is slightly annoying is her trying to answer the questions about your fiance first. You are majorly overreacting about everything else.

    Expecting people to spend more than one night on your hen/stag nights is unreasonable. People have lives that involve things other than your wedding. I don’t know if it’s common in the U.K. to spend entire weekends on this kind of party, but it’s too much. If someone wants to spend their time and money on a vacation rather than spending more of it on you, then that’s their business. And none of yours.

    Also, who cares if she does her own hair and makeup? I was maid of honor and my best friend let me choose to do my own hair or have it done with her and the other women. I chose to do my own so that I could manage all the goings-on at the wedding venue — guess what? No one cared! It affected nothing about the bride’s day, marriage, or our friendship. Anytime I’ve done hair/makeup with others in the wedding party, all it was was us standing their with curling irons and mascara. There was no bonding.

    Maybe I sound harsh, but your complaints make you sound like a bridezilla. Why not focus on the parts of your wedding that matter instead of inventing things to dislike your future SIL for?

    #805857 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Look – I get you are frustrated…but I also think you are being a little self-centered here.

    Not everyone I know has a full weekend for their bachelor/bachelorette (or I guess hen/stag). You ask someone to be in your wedding party, you are asking them to spend a lot of money just by buying a dress, getting their make-up done, taking time out of their lives for not only the wedding day but the run-up and planning for it. That alone is a pretty big ask. And then to expect them to continue to give you time and money for all these outside events, well, some people can do it, some can’t/just aren’t willing.

    Sorry. Them’s the breaks. If she wants to spend some of her free time and money on a vacation of her own choosing, that’s her right. If that’s what you wanted, you should’ve maybe picked a different friend to be your maid of honor, one that you knew would be as excited about these things as you hoped.

    I know your belief is that wedding party + family = even extra dedication, but I think when you ask a family member to do these things, you often get exactly what you’re experiencing. You ask someone who is actually not that enthusiastic about your wedding as you hoped they would be, and you would’ve been better served picking that one friend that is just *pumped* about weddings and everything that goes along with them, if that’s what you wanted from a maid of honor.

    Ultimately, your wedding is most important to *you*, and by virtue nobody is going to care about it nearly as much as you.

    Let it go, this woman is going to be in your life forever so you need to make peace, and at the end of the day, you’ll be married soon and moving on to the next big thing in your life.

    #805859 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Ok so first of all, whatever her fiance is doing with your husband’s stag is his problem, not yours. He can take it up with his groomsmen what the stag should be.
    Second, its totally reasonable for her to decide your hen weekend is not in her budget but some other vacation is. Because asking someone to be your bridesmaid does not give you a monopoly on their time and money in perpetuity.

    Finally, I do think its reasonable that if you want the whole bridal party to get ready together that you ask her to have her hair and makeup done with you and the other bridesmaids. That said, it doesnt sound like you like her that much so maybe be happy that you can get out of spending extra time with her and just tell her what time she needs to show up ready for pictures?

    #805864 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Why are you angry that she’d rather go on a vacation than stay at your hen weekend, when you don’t like her?

    Why would you be angry she’s getting her hair and makeup done alone, when you clearly don’t like her?

    Yes, you do sound very petty. Instead of thankful your friends have the means to spend all this money and time on you, you’re angry she and her husband arent giving up their vacation? Would you honestly forgo a future trip abroad for her parties?

    It seems like you’re starting this lifelong relationship off very badly. I hope you have managed to come across more reasonable and forgiving and understanding than your post implies. What good do you think will come off being super angry at your fiancé’s sister? Your in laws won’t be enthused or see your side in this (because it’s nutty!) and honestly, your fiancé probably won’t be either.

    Don’t you think your energy and time would be better spent being happy that you’re about to be married, and work on cultivating your inner calm? Being angry and picking your future SIL as a target is not a good look.

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