Situation with my aunt

Home / Forums / Advice & Chat / Situation with my aunt

  • Author
    Posts
  • October 14, 2024 at 12:43 pm #1133576

    I would really appreciate a different perspective on this.
    I have always gotten on really well with my aunt, we used to spend a lot of time together as we used to work together. Sadly, three years ago, her husband got very sick and was in and out of hospital for months at a time, it was a very traumatic time for them. However, they weren’t very close and I think he had an affair. I can understand why my aunt would resent him but I felt that she was a little cruel to him on a few occasions when he was going through the worst time of his life and in debilitating chronic pain having to undergo two life threatening surgeries.
    She once didn’t visit him in hospital for a month and would give out about him to me, that his sickness made him really slow and annoying. One time, he had an embarrassing accident and instead of being concerned or feeling bad about him, she started laughing at him behind his back.
    She would bring up his life insurance and go on about how much she would get and what she would do with it.
    My uncle-in-law was extremely generous and was always helping people, where as my aunt doesn’t want to help anyone and is a miser with money but she’s still one of my favourite people-if that makes any sense.
    Last year my dog of 14 years died and I was very disappointed with my aunt, she just sent me a text to say sorry and never brought him up again. She came over to my house to collect something, I had not seen her in two months but was still in contact with her to give her emotional support because of everything her husband was going through. It was two weeks after my dog died and I was feeling very low, I asked her to stay for a cup of tea but she was very abrupt and just said, No, No, No!! I’m in a hurry, and left again. I just felt that up until that point, I had given her so much of my time and support and care and she couldn’t give me twenty minutes to sit with me and ask me how I was doing.
    Sadly, her husband passed away a few months ago. I was checking up on her and I asked if I’ll call over to her but she said to leave it and that we’d go for coffee sometime. I was taken aback, my mom told me she didn’t want visitors but had no problem with my mom or her other sisters calling over to her. Clearly, she didn’t want me calling over to her. I was very hurt by this. I was hoping that she would invite me over in the coming weeks but she hasn’t. I’m just very hurt by this, I always thought we were close and I did so much for her but now, I’m not even welcome to call over to her.
    I would appreciate any insight or advice.
    Thank you for reading.

    Reply
    October 14, 2024 at 12:48 pm #1133577

    Sorry, I should have ended with explaining that I don’t feel like checking in on her anymore. She is well looked after by my aunts and she has her own daughter so I know she is supported. I just really don’t feel like contacting her again. If I see her at a family event, I will be friendly and warm towards her but outside of that, I just don’t feel like texting or calling her again.
    Am I being very cold?

    Reply
    Part-time Lurker
    October 16, 2024 at 6:52 am #1133593

    You aren’t cold. It’s ok to let go of one-sided relationships or acknowledge that a relationship has changed.

    Reply
    Gigi
    October 17, 2024 at 4:54 pm #1133622

    Your aunt is not a kind person. Maintain cordial ties only.

    Reply
    Lisa Bee
    November 30, 2024 at 5:15 pm #1134209

    As I get older, I have started to recognize and be drawn toward people with generosity of spirit. Without veering too far into people pleasing, they are open to sharing time, attention, and being the one to reach out and make content about half the time. Reciprocity is important in maintaining relationships, even (or especially!) within families. Auntie is a taker, and if I were you I would lower your expectations of her. We don’t go shopping for oranges in the hardware store.

    Reply
    Lisa Miller
    November 30, 2024 at 5:16 pm #1134210

    As I get older, I have started to recognize and be drawn toward people with generosity of spirit. Without veering too far into people pleasing, they are open to sharing time, attention, and being the one to reach out and make contact about half the time. Reciprocity is important in maintaining relationships, even (or especially!) within families. Auntie is a taker, and if I were you I would lower your expectations of her. We don’t go shopping for oranges in the hardware store.

    Reply
    Avatar photo
    December 2, 2024 at 8:00 am #1134224

    I agree with the others that your aunt sounds unwilling, unable, and/or just uninterested in reciprocating the energy you put into the relationship. I know that’s disappointing but there’s also some liberation in realizing when it’s time to redraw the boundaries of relationships that are not meeting our needs or are unequal in the giving and taking over the longterm. I would focus more on the relationships in your life that are more reciprocal and be a little less giving to your aunt who hasn’t shown much appreciation for the energy you’ve invested in her/ your relationship.

    Reply
Reply To:

Situation with my aunt

Your information: