Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Situation with son

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This topic contains 36 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ruby Tuesday 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 37 total)
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  • #845466 Reply
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    FYI

    Jesus Christ, lady. Your thinking is way, way, WAY off.

    “… the consequences of his actions have had a devastating effect on four people’s lives.” It was your BOYFRIEND’s ACTIONS that had the devastating effect, not your son’s. Christ on a cracker. A kind person would’ve said, “Whoa, what’s up, son? You can’t raid your mom’s closet.” Then, done, end of story. It was your BOYFRIEND who escalated this into a big, hairy deal.

    And it’s a good thing he did, because it showed you what kind of man he is. It isn’t your son’s fault that your boyfriend is an asshole, and trust me — boyfriend’s claim that this is about privacy is BS. It’s about his homophobia, full stop. (Dressing in women’s clothes doesn’t automatically mean your son is gay, but boyfriend is too ignorant to know that.)

    Your (EX)boyfriend is clearly not father material. Keep him away.

    #845467 Reply
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    FYI

    “He didn’t beat him but he did assault him … my son wasn’t marked but was traumatised somewhat. I’m not defending him just putting it in perspective.”

    UH, yeah, you’re defending him.

    #845468 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Abortion. Seriously. Go have one if you still can.

    #845470 Reply
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    Angela

    I don’t have to defend my actions I’ve done nothing wrong
    I’ve supported my son with his life choices, the father of my unborn child no longer resides with me, my son does, that is my choice.
    My son will continue to make wrong decisions (irrespective of sexuality) and ignore the consequences of that I’m almost certain.
    One thing I have decided, I’m probably better off on my own
    As for abortion, not sure what your intention was with that comment, at best racist at worst inverted homophobia either way a gutter comment.

    #845471 Reply

    Your son is 19! Of course he’s going to make bad decisions. That’s what young adults do. He’s learning. He shouldn’t have gone into your things, but that’s hardly a huge breech of trust that warranted an assault. You’re blaming him for ruining four lives! He made one bad choice but it was your bf who chose to do the worse offense.

    You’re the parent in this situation. If you think your son is clueless, has no work ethic and will continue to make egregious mistakes…get ready for that to become a reality. I truly hope you treat your son a lot better than how you describe him and his behavior here. You’re his mother. If you think he’s such a bad kid, maybe you should spend more time and attention on him instead of your crappy homophobia and violent boyfriend.

    #845472 Reply
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    Part-time Lurker

    I’m pretty sure BGM wasn’t being racist or homophobic he was simply saying that you sound like a terrible parent and shouldn’t have any more children.

    #845473 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    “My boyfriend says it’s him or my son and my son should move out, he says his actions were unacceptable, my son is not financially able yet to be independent. If I wasn’t pregnant my boyfriend woul be history but before this we were very happy. I can’t believe I’m now having to choose.
    What would you do please?”

    I’m not sure what kind of reaction you thought you’d get when you wrote into an advice site asking whether you should choose your son or the homophobic jerk who hit him.

    Sorry, but even asking that question makes you the bad guy in this situation. Deal with it.

    #845474 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Yes your son did wrong. He invaded your privacy. Your boyfriend also did wrong. He assaulted your son. Of the two wrongs the assault is by far the worst. You can’t live with a violent man and you are lucky you found out about this huge character flaw before you married him. He would probably feel as comfortable “correcting” your bad behavior as easily as he corrected your son’s bad behavior. Your boyfriend is a man who feels that it is perfectly okay for the man of the house to spank adults when they cross the line of what he finds acceptable. This is who he is. This would have happened sooner or later. You are lucky you aren’t married to him. It’s time to work out child support.

    #845476 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    You should thank your son for giving your boyfriend an opportunity to show you his true colors before you invest more time in the loser. If you even have to take a moment to consider who to “choose” when a man beats your kid and says it’s him or your kid, you’re showing pretty questionable priorities. Accept that your re going to be a single mother to your newest baby, work out child support, and commit to protecting your baby from the abuse, hostility, and homophobia your loser boyfriend has already exhibited.

    Also, this might be a good time to think about longterm/permanent birth control (like maybe getting your tubes tied when you’re in the hospital after giving birth).

    #845491 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    Yes, your son violated your privacy. He shouldn’t have gone through your personal drawers, worn your lingerie, and used whatever erotic items you were saving for your ex.

    I can understand being frustrated. I can even understand why a fiance would consider personal privacy to be a requirement. What I don’t understand is how you can justify the man’s violent response on your son. I hope you don’t think that coming from a different background is some kind of justification. The fact that you needed to mention you’ve had problems based on him being from Nigeria kind of suggests that you do.

    Why are you labeling the strike as a “spank”? Your son is a nineteen year old person. You weren’t there to witness it so how would you know besides assuming there would be bruising if it hurt?

    Your son didn’t ruin four people’s lives. He’s a horny nineteen year old who probably can’t afford to pay for sexy underwear if he’s struggling to make enough money just to support himself. I’ll bet he felt too awkward bringing up his kink with you. That doesn’t make what he did right, but it isn’t like it would be easy for him to stroll into a Macy’s dressing room without any reactions. Your son needed to have a conversation from YOU, about expectations surrounding your shared bedroom. If your boyfriend was upset he could have bought and installed a new lock. Instead he hit your kid and demanded you choose between the two of them as though your son is no longer welcome into YOUR own house your boyfriend moved into just last year. He ruined his own good thing.

    If you really don’t think you are up to raising another child by yourself and it’s too overwhelming to parent a bi-racial, born late-in-life baby on your own, why not consider adoption? There’s no reason to assume the baby wouldn’t still have a great life with parents who would provide, love, and nurture them and you can look for a new man so you don’t feel like your own life is ruined.

    I don’t have any other advice. I’m sorry your hurting and worried, right now. I hope things work out well for you and your kids.

    #845493 Reply
    avatar
    PurpleStaR

    Um, you don’t spank a 19 year old. I have raised a son – you physically don’t put a 19 year old over your knee and spank him. Your boyfriend assaulted your son…please stop sugar coating this.

    It is good that the man is out of your, and your son’s, home. You should begin looking into child support issues now…is this man here on a visa? If so, when does that visa expire? Does he work? Does he work legally (i.e., paying taxes, not for unreported cash wages)? Do you want to put his name on the child’s birth certificate – I vote no, depending on the answers to the above questions. You are in a much better place to be a single parent to this new baby then you were 19 years ago. You can do this on your own.

    Now your 19 year old….
    “My son will continue to make wrong decisions (irrespective of sexuality) and ignore the consequences of that I’m almost certain.” This is just one of the horrid things you wrote about your son in this thread. Shame on you….they are not fully baked at 19. They make mistakes. It is our job as parent’s to help guide them through those mistakes – unless its illegal, then they can pay for their own attorney. If this is your attitude towards him, and he knows this is your attitude, then of course he is screwing up – because that is all you have told him he will ever do.

    Yeah, he should not have been in your things, but that gives you a door to walk through to talk to your son about his cross dressing – or is it cross dressing? Is he exploring his gender? His sexuality? Have you even had a conversation with him about this since he was 16, or have you just swept it under the rug with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude.

    One more thought – have you considered family therapy for you and your son? You two need to communicate better and you need to learn how to value him.

    #845497 Reply

    I don’t think you understand how your behavior and reactions affect your son. It was horrible to find out he likes to wear women’s clothes? It took time to come to terms with that? Imagine how he felt.

    You expect him to fail. You think he has no work ethic. Get ready for that to become a self fulfilling prophecy because how you treat him will inform his confidence and self esteem. Your job as a mother is to do what is best for your children, and to support and encourage them. He should know that you love him no matter what. I can’t even believe you would write in for advice about something like this.

    And as much as you want to paint a picture of your son being a pervert- let’s think about your bf, supposedly bending your grown adult son over his knee and spanking him. Was it bare bottom? That’s pretty messed up. It’s disgusting that you’re trying to justify that as a normal and just reaction to whatever he saw.

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