Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Situation with son

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This topic contains 36 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ruby Tuesday 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 37 total)
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  • #845499 Reply

    I apologize if I came on too strong. I’m just worried about your son; I don’t mean to attack you.

    #845507 Reply

    It’s not so much that the LW is a terrible parent — though she damn well sure isn’t exactly mother of the year. It’s more that the father to be WILL clearly be a lousy parent. That much is a very, very clear. And why so many people chose to make children with horrible people remains mankinds gravest sin.

    #845519 Reply

    My god – you have gotten insight into your boyfriends positions on child rearing and it isn’t making you run away?

    Your boyfriend thinks violence is an acceptable means of punishing a child.
    Your boyfriend is homophobic – what happens if that little nugget in your belly is gay?

    And lady – you are pretty awful yourself. You say you helped him but did you really? You told him he’s not allowed to go outside dressed in a way that makes him happy. Damn. Are you afraid for him or are you afraid for you?

    You so desperately want to “start over” that you are actually considering tossing your son out into the streets. Had you said that you wanted your son to spread his wings and be his own person – that would have been supportive. Now you’re just saying “Should I kick my son out of my house because my homophobic boyfriend wants me to?” You literally are asking if you should choose your son over your boyfriend. Doesn’t matter if he’s 19. You are trying to defend making a decision that will destroy your relationship with your son. Over some borrowed clothes.

    #845524 Reply

    Therapy, please. Asap. For both you and your son, preferably both together and separately. If he is 19 and struggling he needs help. Going through your private things was a major violation. But i dont think it was strictly for his own “masturbatory pleasure”. It’s who he is. He wants to feel beautiful and authentic and those clothes make him feel that way. Does he have his own intimate things to wear? Do you get him new ones from time to time, or expect him to make due with a few items from years ago? It could be that a combination of more support from you and some tough love to launch him into independent adulthood is needed. Please, counselling asap to figure that out.

    As for the ex boyfriend, others have covered it and i agree. Keeping him in your life is unconscionable. A violent bigot has no place in your home. It seems you will not consider abortion. Consider adoption if you feel unable to care for this child alone. He or she can have an amazing life. If you want to keep the child with you, get a lawyer and set up child support immediately. You may also want to consider what kind of custody you want to petition for given his violent treatment of you son. Do you really want him alone with your baby? Talk to a lawyer about his violence and go from there in setting up custody and support. Also, look at CHIP, WIC or other resources that may be available to you. But, please, counselling asap.

    #845528 Reply

    Two more things: make sure the counsellors you see are LGBTQ+ affirming. And check out your local PFLAG chapter. Finding a community of parents who may have had struggles accepting their children but want to do better, or who have had to navigate the unfamiliar waters you are in, may be really helpful for you. You may find some good support and advice.

    #845533 Reply

    LW — You are very indignant about some of the responses, based upon your new statement that the bf is out of the house by your decision. That’s a re-writing of history according to your initial post, where you were seeking guidance about how to respond to bf’s ultimatum that he goes or your son goes. You clearly hadn’t made a decision yet. Lacking an immediate decision from you, bf left and left you to consider his ultimatum. Clearly bf feels totally in the right. That’s the sort of big cultural difference one can encounter dating someone from another country. We live in what is still a patriarchal society, but with increasing rights and opportunities for women, much of Nigeria is still a PATRIARCHAL society. The majority of the world’s population shares these beliefs and is also extremely homophobic. Christian missionaries from the United States promote this severe homophobic thinking in the third world.

    #845548 Reply

    It’s unclear from the information given, but before you moved him in did you tell your ex boyfriend about your son? I’m not sure if your son identifies as transgender, non binary, somewhere within the LGBTQ+ framework, or simply as someone who enjoys women’s clothes. And I’m not sure on the ethics of outing him, but I would assume that, since he lives at home and presumably wants to be his authentic self at home, your son would need everyone living under the same roof to be supportive of that. If you didn’t tell your ex, or you got anything other than enthusiastic support from him, then moving him in was a bad, bad idea. If your son was forced to only dress the way he wanted in secret in fear of your ex finding out, he may have done what he did to force the issue, or because he was feeling disrespected and invisible. I guess what I’m getting at is, your son is who he is. It’s really important that you choose a partner who embraces and accepts him, whether he’s living at home or not. If you allowed your boyfriend to move in without knowing how he felt about people like your son, if you knew he would be unnaccepting, or if your son felt in any way forced to hide who he is, you set up a ticking time bomb for something like this to happen. People don’t just all of a sudden become abusive, and you’ve hinted at other issues with this man before he moved in, so i suspect you knew (at least on some level) he would be unnaccepting of your son. I also suspect living with your ex wasn’t all that great for your son. In the future, do not bring someone into your life who doesn’t fully embrace who your children are.

    #845580 Reply

    Agree 100% with what everyone else has said.

    I just want to point out what you stated here:

    “Yes my son could help support me as I have supported him but he tends to drift from one low paid job to another. I am prepared to be on my own but wish it wasn’t so.”

    It’s not your son’s responsibility to support you. YOU decided to become pregnant and keep the pregnancy. YOU brought in your hostile boyfriend into the home who then ASSAULTED him. These were your choices.

    #845593 Reply

    If your boyfriend assaults your son, he should be gone. Period. It also means he’d be a crappy father to your baby. Good dads don’t hurt people.

    #845615 Reply

    Agreeing with everyone about the bf assualting your son. He is 19yrs old. Not ever okay! That said, I actually find it disturbing that your adult child, whom you have caught years ago and addressed the issue then, was caught with your intimate clothes on him, again! Thats actually gross. If he wants intimate clothes to wear he can buy them. This is major boundary issues. Who knows how many times he has worn your intimates without being aware. Thats very unclean and doubt he is washing and cleaning them after he is done trying them on. I say a therpist is needed to address boundaries and clearly other issues.

    #845730 Reply

    Your boyfriend should have let you handle it. Instead he assaulted your son. That was his choice…and it shows what kind of person he is. For me this is a huge NOPE. He’s gone.I would break up with him immediately bc he’s not right for you and your family. I would never put a guy before one of my kids.

    #845731 Reply

    Added – your son probably has worn your clothes many times without you knowing. It sounds to me like he needs to learn boundaries. Not cool.

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