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snooping discovery

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 5 months ago.

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  • #742690 Reply
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    Kath

    I recently went through my boyfriend’s phone (problem, I know) and found that he had texted his ex last week and deleted the messages (it says the texts were from Wednesday but there are no messages). It was her birthday, so I assume that he just wished her happy birthday but it still makes me uncomfortable that he felt he needed to delete the messages. I am back and forth about how to feel about it… I have told him in the past I don’t like that he still talks to her on occasion, but I would obviously rather him be open about it than secretive. I want to say something, but I think he would be even more upset that I was snooping. Help!

    #742691 Reply
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    JD

    For sure drop this! You don’t know why he felt the need to delete them??? Because you snoop! Hello! Wishing an ex happy birthday is not wrong. I also have deleted a text or two because if my husband saw it, or if I saw something similar, I wouldn’t be thrilled, even though it was perhaps a text someone sent to me that was a bit inappropriate. My ex sent me a message about missing me. Not horrible, I miss him sometimes too, but I felt better to just delete. I would never lie to my husband and pretend I never miss an ex, we all do, but doesn’t mean he needs to see it. As a note he’d never be going through my phone but I text through my laptop as well so it could pop up if he were next to me. He had a chick he hasn’t spoke to in years randomly send him a pic of her the other day. I rolled my eyes, he didn’t respond, whatever.

    You cannot have a relationship without trust so you need to work on that.

    #742692 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    If it makes you uncomfortable that he deletes messages, I wonder how uncomfortable it must make him to know you can’t be trusted to not go through his phone.

    He’s been secretive because this is a sore spot for you, and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Why does it bother you if he wishes her a happy birthday? How do you even know when her birthday is?
    I’m not saying I’d feel great in your shoes, but if he’s been friendly to her, that’s different than being disrespectful.

    Why don’t you trust him?

    #742696 Reply
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    ron

    The first thing this tells you is that your bf knows that you snoop his phone. As you say this is likely just a happy birthday. There is no reason on earth that your bf has to be open with you about wishing somebody, including an ex, happy birthday. You sound awfully jealous, controlling, and invasive of normal boundaries regarding privacy. Don’t be surprised if you drive him away. You’d certainly drive me away with this behavior.

    #742698 Reply
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    BakerBabe

    OK obviously the issue is that you snooped and there’s a level of distrust on both of your ends in this relationship. I agree I wouldn’t feel great in your position but he probably deleted them because he knew you were gonna snoop, for starters.

    Is he friends/friendly with this ex? If he’s otherwise friendly with her, the way most decent people are if the relationship ended amicably, then I would say its not much to worry about. He just thinks you would have an issue with his courteous birthday greeting. The problem in this scenario is on your end, since your obvious distrust of him is now resulting in him hiding correspondence.

    If he’s greeting her randomly and out of the blue, however, and is not exactly friendly with her and you get a bad vibe from their relationship that indicates some unresolved issues or feelings, then I would say there’s more of a mutual issue of distrust and possible deception.

    #742707 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Going through a partner’s phone indicates a massive level of distrust. Has he cheated in the past?

    If I had so little trust in a guy that I felt the need to snoop in his phone, I’d be gone. Honestly, what’s the point in sticking around if you think he’s cheating?

    #742712 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Is there a reason why you were snooping? If he’s been acting untrustworthy in other ways, then address those. But I agree with Essie. If you trust your boyfriend so little that you snoop through his phone and assume that he’s deleting incriminating texts, then why continue seeing him? Relationships require trust, and you don’t trust him. You seem to think he’s super dishonest, so what’s the draw to stay with him?

    #742717 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    You know what you find when you snoop? DRAH-MAH!

    I suppose it’s possible he texted a picture of his junk with a big ol’ gift bow or maybe he just sent a nice “Happy Birthday” and that’s the end of it. You know if he’s generally trustworthy or if these are your issues.

    Why were you snooping in the first place? Did something happen that made you curious about what was going on> Or have you been social media stalking his ex and knew it was her birthday and you wanted to see if he sent her a message? Because you know what I never ever ever knew? The birthdays of my boyfriend’s exes.

    #742732 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I guess i don’t really understand how you know there’s deleted texts. How do you know it’s a text from him to her, or her to him, or a conversation between them both? Maybe it was just a text from her being nostalgic because it was her birthday or something and he deleted it for the same reason JD above deleted the message from her ex saying he missed her? You really have no idea.

    I agree that i think you are overreacting when you know the date it occurred was her birthday. You need to handle your trust and jealousy issues before it hurts your relationship. If all he wrote was happy birthday and he deleted it because he knew you would freak out…that’s a problem.

    #742747 Reply
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    BakerBabe

    CurlyQue raises a good point! How did you know there was a message if he deleted it? Usually when you delete a thread, all traces of it are gone! Did he just delete the messages he sent her or just the messages she sent him? Just curious.

    #742750 Reply
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    JD

    Sometimes on my iphone and ipad my notifications will show a text even though I have already read and cleared it. That could be how.

    #742870 Reply

    I have told him in the past I don’t like that he still talks to her on occasion, but I would obviously rather him be open about it than secretive.

    You can’t have it both ways. If he tells you that he communicated with her, then he gets a lecture about how you don’t like it. If he doesn’t tell you then you go through his phone to make sure he isn’t keeping it a secret. Decide which situation you want. If you want him to be open then be prepared that he will/may communicate with her. If you don’t want to know then don’t snoop through his phone.

    Your issue isn’t that he’s communicating with his ex, it’s that you feel some kind of insecurity in relation to her.

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