Social Life and Crush in the Office

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  • Dylan
    September 15, 2023 at 11:03 pm #1125461

    So I am 22 year old guy who started working his first real job recently. Since I moved states the new environment, people and culture were entirely different. To be honest they were more “white” not in race but in culture rather. (Although this place does have an overwhelming amount of white people).

    After meeting my team I felt a bit more comfortable but I met a 28 year old woman on my team who’s like the first person in my life I’ve truly admired. She’s bold, honest, weird and funny but she’s also entirely different from me not to mention the 6 year age gap although it wouldn’t matter to me. But the problem is, I’ve often heard her talking about me to others and laughing about it. I am not sure if she’s talking ill off me or if she’s just generally speaking but from my POV, hearing my name, what I do, followed by laughter can only be assumed as one thing.

    The problem I am having is, should I still continue to see this person as my crush and potentially even pursue her when it’s right or should I man up and move forward ignoring her?

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    September 16, 2023 at 6:18 am #1125464

    You should drop the concept of “Man up” in the context of work. Don’t even think that way, in gendered terms like that. I just took my annual “inclusive interactions” training and there was a scenario where someone told someone to man up and it was called out as sexist, because the guy was saying it’s not manly to be nervous about a presentation. Here you’re saying you’re not manly unless you ignore your coworker.

    Anyway. Just treat this woman like a co-worker. If you’re in earshot of a convo where you hear your name and laughter, walk over and say, I heard my name, what’s funny? Maybe she’s talking about another Dylan. Maybe her partner or her dog is named Dylan. Maybe she’s talking about you, who knows. Calling it out will put her on notice if she’s being mean, and give her a chance to include you if she’s not.

    But overall it’s not wise to freeze out a coworker OR treat them differently because you have a crush. Work isn’t a dating site, women are there ti earn a paycheck. Relationships can develop but they have to not be in the same chain of command and need to start organically with friendship and hanging out outside work.

    Reply
    September 16, 2023 at 6:23 am #1125465

    Also, who’s your manager? Ask them for plenty of feedback about how you’re doing, what you could be developing or doing differently. On the chance that you are behaving in a way that’s funny to other people, you want to know so you can course correct.

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    Anonymousse
    September 16, 2023 at 6:48 am #1125466

    I think you should listen to what Kate said. Work is not the place to look for new people to date. Focus on your job and your responsibilities and less on her.

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    Avatar photo
    September 16, 2023 at 8:27 am #1125478

    Yes to what other posters have said. You should neither pursue nor ignore her. She’s your colleague. Not to mention, just about every 28-year-old woman I know or have known would pass on a 22-year-old because of the life stage gap (not necessarily because of the age gap itself).

    Mostly I’m chiming in to say that I was someone who moved by herself across city and state lines multiple times in my 20s for school and work. I know it can be overwhelming and sometimes quite lonely. It’s wonderful if you make friends through work, but you should also expand your social circle beyond the bounds of your employer. I made friends when I was new by reaching out to friends of friends or old acquaintances, using online tools like MeetUp to find social groups, volunteering, etc. Assuming you’re a college grad, your alumni association may also be a good place to look. Most dates I went on were through online dating sites, though I did meet some men through my network or while out living my life. Highly recommend you make an effort to build a life you enjoy outside of work so that you can focus on excelling at your job while on the clock.

    Good luck!

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    ron
    September 18, 2023 at 3:16 pm #1125539

    You describe yourself as a fish out of water in a new community, company, and alien overly-white culture. You need to take time to read the culture of your new employer and the surrounding community. Work crushes/relationships carry significant job risk. It sounds like you have a totally one-sided crush on this woman and that she recognizes that fact. Keep it up and you’ll embarrass yourself at work. Don’t ignore her but treat her strictly as a more senior co-worker with whom you have a zero chance of any dating possibility. I also don’t get the ‘man up’ term here.

    You say the 6-year age gap doesn’t matter to you. Seems like it does to her. Good chance she’s in a relationship. You know next to nothing about her, so… I wouldn’t walk up to the group with a “hey, I heard my name, what’s so funny?” Odds are they are laughing at you and this will just cause them to do so more but less obviously.

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    Anonymousse
    September 19, 2023 at 10:03 am #1125560

    You sound really defensive about your name/work. Are you sure they’re talking about you? Aggression at work isn’t cool. I think you need to relax, look to hobbies or other interests to meet friends. Work is primarily a place to work, and most women I know get really fed up of being flirted with or treated differently at work because a guy expressed interest. It’s just not the place, and unprofessional.

    It’s not all about you, it’s not all personal jabs. Take it easy.

    Reply
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Social Life and Crush in the Office

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