- This topic has 43 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 3 weeks ago by csp.
- May 30, 2019 at 11:20 pm #844444janehopper1Member
My daughter has been with a man named Joe for 3 years, married for 2. They are expecting a baby at the end of this year. Joe has two older daughters from a previous relationship. On daughter recently graduated college as a nurse and the other is about to graduate high school. Joe has said he does not have a relationship with his daughters because their mother was spiteful towards him and made it very difficult for him to see his children. Joe has never been anything but a good husband to my daughter. I grew up with an absent dad so I was not oblivious to the fact there was probably more to the story than what was being told and I even told Joe that there may be some blame on his end for the estranged relationship he has with his daughters. He became teary eyed and did not say a word. However, what I was not expecting was the letter received from Joe’s oldest daughter. My husband and I gave her a check for graduation. My daughter and Joe gave it to her on her graduation day. About a week ago, we received a large envelope with our check and a shocking letter with documents. The letter was 8 pages front to back and his daughter poured her heart out. She wrote how she had seen her dad be abusive towards her mother, how he had cheated on her while she was pregnant and denied her sister because he did not want his girlfriend to know he was still with her mother. She wrote about how he drained her mothers bank account during this time and her mother had to go on food stamps just to make it while she was in school. She wrote about how her Joe was dishonorably discharged from the military after he went AWOL because he was going to be made to pay child support. She wrote about how Joe had court ordered visitations and did not ever show and eventually got his visitation rights taken away. She talked about how he never helped her mom out with them and was even facing felony charges for not paying child support. She wrote how there were many Chirstmases, birthdays. etc that Joe never sent her and her sister even a card or a text. She talked about how a few years ago when they saw him for Christmas he said that his youngest daughter was going to be pregnant at 16 and be a loser which upset them both. She also said that after Joe gifted her a check for graduation, he went down and did a charge back and took that money from her. She also attached the court documents where battery charges were filed against Joe when she was 5 for hitting her mother. She attached the court documents saying how he did not regularly attend his visitations along with his dishonorable discharge papers from the military. She also sent the documents showing he was almost $15,000 behind in childs support, which $10,000 behind in our state is a felony. She also sent a print out of her bank account showing that Joe did do a charge back on the check he gave her for graduation. And she sent a printout of the text between Joe and her mother where her mother mentioned her sister’s medical bills and Joe asked her mom how she was going to send him the medical bills when she did not have his address. So he was trying to get out of paying his portion of his daughter’s medical bills. She stated in the letter that he was a narcissist and put on an image. I know she is a good kid who worked all during her time in college and graduated with honors. I was just in complete shock when I read this letter because this is not the story I have been told. It would be easy to say she was brainwashed by her mother but she sent the court documents proving everything she said was true. I have baited Joe with questions since and he has said exactly what his daughter said he would say. I just do not know what to do. Before I was sent this letter, I believed that Joe had made some mistakes when he was young and unfortunately, those mistakes hurt his relationship with his children, but I did not know everything that was sent in the letter and I know for a fact my daughter does not know. I want to believe Joe is a changed person and would never do those things to my daughter but I just can not help but think maybe my daughter married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not know what I should do.May 31, 2019 at 12:35 am #844450AngeGuest
Oooh jeez that’s a tough one. I mean, you aren’t dealing with shoddy info it sounds like his daughter has it all laid out pretty clearly. Aside from everything else the man has been violent before, I think you owe it to your daughter and the potential safety of her and your grandchild to tell them. I certainly wouldn’t do it with him around and I wouldn’t tell your daughter what to do or how to handle it but it’s definitely info that should be passed on delicately.May 31, 2019 at 5:54 am #844454LisforLeslieGuest
If you tell your daughter directly, even with all of the evidence, she’s going to react defensively. It could be perceived as an attack on her, she chose this guy therefore she chose badly blah blah blah. She’ll run back to him and ask him to verify and then he’ll magic it all away and make you the bad guy.
So you have a couple of choices – none of them good. I keep circling around this but the more I think about it, the more I think that you have to bring her over to your house and tell her that you have this information, you don’t want to withhold it from her, but you know that when she sees it, she’s not going to believe it. That it will cause confusion and anger and everything else, but you can’t keep it from her without there being lasting damage later on.
But I’m super torn because the worst thing for a narc is to be found out. For them to know that anyone knows who they really are. She will be in danger. He is violent. Maybe just start with the domestic violence and tell her that she needs to be careful and think about leaving.
You may want to get advice from a domestic violence prevention organization as well. How to plan an escape.
I worry that if you hold on to this until she’s more apt to listen, she’ll react poorly with you. What about asking her the stupid question “If you knew someone and knew their partner lied about almost everything but at the moment things were really good and solid, would you tell them what you knew about their past?”
This is not going to go well. I’m so sorry for you.May 31, 2019 at 7:47 am #844468cdobbsGuest
your daughter deserves to see this information….it may be possible that he is abusive towards your daughter as well and they are hiding it from you….put your daughters safety first….even if she reacts defensively and cuts you out of their lives you will know in your heart that you did the right thing….this guy sounds like an abusive dead beat and he will eventually show his true colours again….so sorry you are in this situation, this has got to be gut wrenching for youMay 31, 2019 at 9:02 am #844470MPGuest
This breaks my heart LW. If I were you, I’d have your daughter over right away and give her the documents you received (I’d keep copies though, just in case your SIL does something bad in the future). I wouldn’t try and explain anything, just tell her you got this in the mail and tell her she might want to read it. Your daughter will probably defend him and double down on supporting him but it will at least plant seeds of truth in her head. There’s no good answer that prevents people from getting hurt, I’m sorry.May 31, 2019 at 10:42 am #844475anonymousseParticipant
I think you should tell her. Work on what you want to say. Deliver it as calmly as possible. Don’t make your own accusations, or say that you always knew he wasn’t a good guy or anything like that. Present it neutrally. Show her the documents, pull up records online if you can find them. If you can afford to, it might be worth hiring someone to do some digging. Maybe a lawyer? The more evidence you have, the better.
But you have to be ready for her to not accept it. She might not believe it, or she might believe he’s changed. At that point, I think you should support her as much as you possibly can. Let her know you are there for her, no matter what she decides. That way, if anything happens, she’ll hopefully come to you first. You could get a room in your home ready for her if she needs it, you can tell her it’s a guest room. Maybe find baby furniture and things and have your house ready to be a crash pad. Good luck.May 31, 2019 at 11:38 am #844481BittergaymarkGuest
Eh, all you can do is hope for the best. Brace for the worst.
That said — it IS curious that she waited to come forward until now. DeSeveral years into your daughter’s relationship, two years into her marriage. And smack dab in the middle of her pregnancy… Why now? If she was trying to be kind, she sure is more than a little late. Again. Highly curious.May 31, 2019 at 11:56 am #844487LisforLeslieGuest
@BGM – my impression was that they were kind to her, probably said something nice about her dad and she felt like they should know the truth.May 31, 2019 at 12:28 pm #844493janehopper1Member
Sorry I did not write this in my original post. She stated in the letter that she wrote the letter because our address was on the check and she has always wanted to tell us but did not even know our names or address nor have the opportunity to warn us. My husband and I have only met this girl once and it was when we were with Joe visiting her at work. She was very polite but I could tell she was guarded. That is the only time we have met her. Her and her sister were not at his and my daughters wedding and she wrote in the letter she did not even know Joe was dating my daughter let alone married until months after the fact. My daughter has only met her a couple times (after they married) but its only been when Joe was around. She stated Joe does not want her and her sister around because he knows they will expose the truth. I do think she would have came forward earlier had she had the opportunity to have us alone or had our address. She was very well spoken in the letter and did not sound hateful at all. She even left her number so we could call and Joe’s mother’s number if I wanted to call and confirm what she wrote.May 31, 2019 at 1:07 pm #844495BittergaymarkGuest
Well, with a baby on the wsy. I guess hope for the best. Why anybody would create kids with somebody who already botched their go with the first round of kids remains a mystery to me…May 31, 2019 at 1:40 pm #844501ronGuest
She isn’t telling you rumor — she has a lot of documentation. For that reason, I think you need to tell your daughter. Tell her that you received this package of information in the mail, you haven’t investigated it, but it is serious enough that you felt you must give it to her so that she can make her own decision how she wants to react to it. If nothing else, it will help her to understand strains on that side of thee family. It may save her and her soon-to-be child a ton of hurt. How would you feel if you didn’t share the info and something bad happened? How would your daughter feel about you, in that case? Obviously has to be done in person when her husband isn’t around. Tell her she has your support whatever or whenever she decides what she wants to do about this info packet.May 31, 2019 at 1:50 pm #844502PoppyMember
This daughter should have confided in your daughter all this information and not you. Sure Joe sounds like a POS but theres always two sides to every story and then there is the truth. Unfortunately, you have been brought in it and now you have to make a decision on whether your daughter needs to know what is being said. I say give it to her privately in your presents without Joe knowing and let her handle it. Be supportive in her decision and let her know you are there if she needs you.