Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Son in laws estranged daughter sent me a concerning letter

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Son in laws estranged daughter sent me a concerning letter

This topic contains 43 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar csp 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 44 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #844504 Reply

    I think it was smart to tell her janehopper. If she’d tried to tell your daughter directly, the message probably would have been intercepted.

    #844507 Reply

    She stated in the letter that she wanted to tell my daughter but did not have any contact information. My daughter never met his daughter’s until well after they were married and even then, its only been at a family members house on Christmas or at her work. Joe has always been around the entire time during these times so his daughter would not have the opportunity to say something and even if she did, she may have feared my daughter would be defensive towards her, which she is probably right. If she would not have sent the documents proving what she had said, honestly I may not have believed her myself. Not that I would think she was a liar, but that maybe her mom had fed her stories over the years and distorted her memories. But she sent COURT DOCUMENTS showing that everything she said was true. She left her grandmothers’ (Joe’s mother) phone number. I called her and read the letter and she started crying saying everything her granddaughter said was the truth and how she did not raise Joe to be that way. Now that I think about it, Joe does not have much to do with his family besides maybe seeing them on holidays and his mom even stated she told my daughter about some of the reasons his daughters do not have much to do with him and that my daughter seemed to not believe it. I have never met any of his family and neither has my daughter besides in passing or when he is around, which makes me think he doesn’t want them around because he knows they will expose the truth, just as his daughter said.

    #844508 Reply

    She stated in the letter that she wanted to tell my daughter but did not have any contact information. My daughter never met his daughter’s until well after they were married and even then, its only been at a family members house on Christmas or at her work. Joe has always been around the entire time during these times so his daughter would not have the opportunity to say something and even if she did, she may have feared my daughter would be defensive towards her, which she is probably right. If she would not have sent the documents proving what she had said, honestly I may not have believed her myself. Not that I would think she was a liar, but that maybe her mom had fed her stories over the years and distorted her memories. But she sent COURT DOCUMENTS showing that everything she said was true. She left her grandmothers’ (Joe’s mother) phone number. I called her and read the letter and she started crying saying everything her granddaughter said was the truth and how she did not raise Joe to be that way. Yes there may be two sides and Joe’s version does not math up but court documents do not lie and the fact his OWN MOTHER confirmed everything makes me believe this is the truth. Now that I think about it, Joe does not have much to do with his family besides maybe seeing them on holidays and his mom even stated she told my daughter about some of the reasons his daughters do not have much to do with him and that my daughter seemed to not believe it. I have never met any of his family and neither has my daughter besides in passing or when he is around, which makes me think he doesn’t want them around because he knows they will expose the truth, just as his daughter said.

    #844509 Reply
    avatar
    golfer.gal

    This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for you and the position this has put you in. I agree with the advice to make copies of everything, tell your daughter privately, and let her read through everything. You can say that you believe her stepdaughter and encourage her to speak to Joe’s mother, but also make clear that you love her unconditionally and support her. The truly sad thing is she will know the truth, one way or another, eventually. Malignant narcissists do not change, it is impossible for them to do so. If he is not already abusing her (which i truly hope he is not) it will always be a concern that he could start at any time. What a terrible situation for everyone involved. You could also seek the help of a family therapist to work though some of this, and encourage your daughter to do the same (without joe) if you think she’d be receptive. Just give her the information, lots of loving and supportive words, and hope she makes the right decisions

    #844511 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You do have to tell your daughter. This info was meant for her, really. I am just concerned about what happens when she goes home and confronts him with this info. He’s a wife-beater. There’s a chance he gets violent. If I were you I might consult a professional first before breaking the news.

    I’m sorry about this, it’s awful. I hope she’ll make the right choices.

    #844513 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    My takeaway is to be really impressed that the kid attached documentary evidence to back up her claims.

    #844518 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    You have to tell her. Be neutral and say you received this in the mail. You can say you had a hard time reconciling it against the Joe you know but you read the court documents and spoke with his mom who confirmed it. You can say that you aren’t sure how much Joe disclosed to her and if she doesn’t want to ever discuss it, you will do as she asks, but it is information you could not have kept from her.

    #844519 Reply
    avatar
    FYI

    There is no doubt that you have to share this information with your daughter. But do it away from him and urge her not to go home and confront him about it. She has to think about what she wants first, because he is not going to tell her anything close to the truth.

    I know this is armchair-quarterbacking, but your daughter needed to ask a LOT more questions during the engagement. Sorry! Child support — if one has no custody and minor children — should be completely clear before anyone says I Do. I wouldn’t marry someone who was welching on child support, no matter the reason.

    #844528 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    The other approach is to give your daughter’s contact info to this woman. I think this is a less good approach than telling her yourself, because you can tell your daughter more gently and because your daughter may not want this woman to have her contact info. The only advantage of this route is to take you out of the middle, although the woman may very well mention that you gave her the contact info, putting you right back into this.

    #844546 Reply
    avatar
    Poppy
    Member

    So daughter does know or at least was forwarned by MIL. If your daughter hasn’t confided in you with concerns and doesnt show signs of abuse then I would just be supportive. I wouldnt make such a big fuss over it and i wouldnt confront him. Your daughter might have two cents to give about it and how she feels and let that be all that is said and let her know you support her no matter what.

    #844574 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should tell your daughter and show her the documents, but do it at your place, with Joe not there. Be very matter-of-fact about sharing the information, and try to do so without any commentary or judgment. Just, “This is what Joe’s daughter sent. I thought you should see it.” Let her lead what happens next. If she’s defensive and says the daughter isn’t telling the truth, just absorb that. Don’ try to argue with her. Tell her you love her and her unborn baby and want them to be safe and happy and that your home is always open to her and you are there for her whenever she needs you.

    It’s important to not alienate her, and pushing her to leave Joe before she’s ready – before she’s processed this new information, etc. – may do just that.

    This may be helpful for you:
    https://dearwendy.com/10-tips-for-supporting-a-victim-of-domestic-violence-or-sexual-assault/

    #844580 Reply

    The worst part is that my husband is LIVID and said that he has he known all of this before, he would have never gave the blessing for Joe to marry our daughter and that he’s a woman beater and does not want him to ever step foot in our house again. He said that any man that can hit a woman, not take care of his children, abandon not only his children but also his country is not welcome to set foot in his home. He said people like that don’t change and it will only be a matter of time before we see Joe do the same things to our daughter and grandchild. I’m just broken because I know the only thing I can do is hope for the best but I also know that my husband will not stand for Joe being around now that he knows all of this about him

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 44 total)
Reply To: Son in laws estranged daughter sent me a concerning letter
Your information: