Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Son in laws estranged daughter sent me a concerning letter

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This topic contains 43 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar csp 3 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 37 through 44 (of 44 total)
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  • #844758 Reply

    And he’s apparently been hiding his past and current behavior. And the battery charges. I do believe people can turn around and change for the better when they are dedicated and do the work, but it really doesn’t seem like that’s what happened here.

    #844774 Reply

    Updates!
    To your question Joe and the mother were both 17 when the first daughter was born and almost 24 when the second daughter was born. The first daughter is 23 now. I actually called and met with the daughter. She was very forthcoming and apologized for the position she knew the letter and information put my husband and I in. She said that she understood both her mom and dad were extremely young when they had her and that that was the reasoning she was in denial for years about the things her dad did to her, her mom, and her sister. She talked about making excuses for him or trying to rationalize and justify the things she saw Joe do. And how she had gotten into fights with her mom as a teenager because she too was fooled by the appearance and stories Joe fed to her. She talked about how she had hoped that he grew older and more mature and that she really believed that he had changed when she saw him with my daughter. But those hopes were shattered once again last Christmas when he basically said his younger daughter was a slut. She stated that she thought to herself afterwards that okay maybe he was just trying to be funny and did not realize how offensive that was to her and her sister, so she let it go. She discussed how in the last 6 months, she had actually gotten closer to Joe and was finally seeing hope for a better relationship, but her hopes were once again dashed when she met with him for lunch a few months back and he began talking about how her mom was a greedy bitch and he was taking her back to court to get his child support lowered to the state minimum and in the moments before was bragging about how he made 6 figures. She stated she asked him why would he want to try and get away with doing the bare minimum for his child when that’s all he has to do is pay support? She said she told him he better be grateful that her mom stepped up and raised his daughters to be good people and to stop trying to get out of his responsibilities, and at that he screamed at her and left her in the middle of lunch. She said in that moment, she knew he was still the same Joe. She was very sincere and started crying when she talked about how she knows she will never have a relationship with him, she will never have a father to walk her down the aisle, etc etc. She also showed me the text messages between Joe and her mom where Joe asked her how she was going to send his daughters medical bills when he was not going to give her his address. These were from 2 months ago so it is very recent that he was still trying to avoid his responsibilities. The daughter talked about how she really tried to make the excuse to herself that Joe was young and that her mom was not perfect either, but the reason she cut him off his from his recent behavior.

    #844781 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    So what are you going to do?

    #844861 Reply
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    brise

    OK, you met the first marriage daughter, your daughter’s step daughter, because she wrote to you. Now enough with your own investigation. Just let your daughter deal with all this. This is her life, her husband’s choice, her problem.
    If I were her, I would’nt like my mother to do all this inquiry without informing me. She should be aware of this now.
    Your son-in-law is awful, this is very clear.

    #845190 Reply
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    MP

    Right so you spoke with your SIL’s daughter – glad you two could talk. Have you shown your daughter the letter yet? Your daughter deserves to know this about her husband and I don’t know if she’d appreciate you doing this investigative work without informing her (and I’d like to preface that I understand why you’re trying to do all you can because you care about your daughter)…

    #845194 Reply
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    csp

    Yea, I agree. Now it is time to give this information to your daughter. Understand, that while pregnant, she is very likely to stay. At least in the short term. Be there to support her and like I said in my original post, be there with your safety net ready to go. Again, the conversation you need to have with your husband is what you are ready to offer and what you are not ready to offer. I think these conversations should be hypothetical but serious because this most likely will put a strain on your marriage.

    #845195 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, I feel like you’re doing way more investigation into this than is really appropriate before having mentioned any of this to your daughter.

    What’s your action plan for communicating this information to her?

    #845196 Reply
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    csp

    I have a friend of a friend where the daughter just showed up on the parents’ doorstep with two kids under 4 after leaving a bad relationship. Everyone had worries but she stayed. Now the family is scrambling. Again, I think having a backup plan would be good here.

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