Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Starting to feel uncomfortable

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  • #1097474 Reply

    So I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year or so. In the beginning we got on really well and I found it easy to confide in him about things I have never told anyone.

    However as times gone on he’s started to make me uncomfortable. He sends me sexual memes, calls me sexy and fit and asks about my sex life. I told him I feel uncomfortable and he got nasty with me and made me feel bad.

    It’s also got to the point now that if I take a while to reply to him he accuses me of being with another guy and has a go at me. He also constantly reminds me of all the bad things I’ve done.

    However he has told him he doesnt have feelings for me and I’ve made it clear from the beginning that I see him in a purely platonic way.

    What should I do? Ive tried to distance myself he starts threatening to tell my secrets

    #1097475 Reply
    Miss MJ

    Yikes! This guy is bad news – ignoring boundaries, insulting, gaslighting, controlling, and grossly manipulative and you’re not even dating him. Cut all contact at once. Do not engage. Do not attempt to reason, appeal to friendship or otherwise interact with him at all. Cut him off completely and cut him off fast and never look back!

    #1097478 Reply

    The worst that could happen is that he tells your secrets, right? You are not maintaining contact out of some kind of “friendship” (that’s over) or guilt, right?

    Let him go ahead and tell your secrets. Who’s he gonna tell? Does he even know anyone in your life? If he does blab, anyone will instantly know that he is a jackass.

    Example: Years ago, some guy I didn’t know that well told me that his recent break-up (with a woman I know) was because he discovered she was an escort. My reaction? — “Why the eff are you telling me this!?” My reaction was not, “oh, wow, she’s awful” — nope. I thought less of him, ’cause he clearly had an agenda.

    Cut this jackhole off. Do not respond to any messages whatsoever, none. Don’t debate with him, don’t argue with him, don’t negotiate with him. He’ll get bored and move on to another mark.

    #1097487 Reply

    You just stop replying. You block him everywhere. If he tells your secrets he tells your secrets, so what? He probably won’t, but you never give in to blackmail. If someone threatens to tell people something about you, always say, “ok, tell them, I don’t care.” That takes away their power.

    You can tell people you care about that you’ve had to cut this guy off because he was acting deranged.

    But listen, next time, you need to immediately just stop engaging with people who make you uncomfortable. Don’t reward their inappropriate behavior with a response.

    Also, I think your generation confuses friendship and closeness with the need to tell someone all your secrets. You don’t. Someone you’ve known a few months should not know everything about you. That happens organically over a long time as trust develops and builds. It shouldn’t be like, you seem cool, let me tell you my innermost secrets and then we’ll be bonded forever.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Kate.
    #1097490 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    This guy is bad news – stay far away. I agree with the advice to block him on everything. Don’t let him have any way of contacting you. He is not your friend. Friends do NOT behave the way you’ve described this guy behaving. He is a creep.

    #1097499 Reply

    I agree, block him. He’s manipulative and not treating you well.

    In the future don’t share your secrets as a way to build intimacy or build a friendship; save your secrets for people who have proven they are worthy and can be trusted. Make them prove they are worthy to be part of your inner circle.

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