Stay or go?

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  • Lynx
    February 12, 2023 at 3:59 pm #1118685

    Me and my boyfriend has been together for 3+ years. Going into the relationship we both had 1 child. Now we have 5 kids. The first from previous relationships and 3 together 1 boy and twin girls. In the beginning of the relationship I caught him talking to his ex and other women. Come to find out at that time he was talking to her the entire time. Fast forward we were having our hookah night talking enjoying each others company and my women intuition told me to check his phone. So when he went upstairs to change the twins I looked through his phone and lo and behold. Who do I see? The same ex in his text message and one of the same women from the beginning. We’ve had our issues and I’m not sure what to do since our twins are only 1 month old. When we were talking before I checked the phone. He mentioned he can’t see a life without me. Any advice. I want to stay but I also want to leave.

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    Anonymousse
    February 12, 2023 at 10:56 pm #1118687

    Tell him to cut the shit. Be honest with him.

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    Lucidity
    February 13, 2023 at 8:42 am #1118688

    What do you mean by “talking to” his ex and other women? You don’t mention the substance of these texts. Is it flirting, sexting, or just normal chatting with friends? It’s hard to tell from what you’ve written if he’s being inappropriate or if you’re someone who gets jealous easily or who maybe doesn’t believe people of opposite genders can be friends.

    Generally, if you’re ever at a point where you’re asking yourself if you should stay or go, the answer is always leave. People in happy, healthy relationships aren’t asking that question. Nor do they surreptitiously check each other’s phones.

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    February 13, 2023 at 9:01 am #1118689

    I wondered the same thing as @Lucidity — some people stay friends with their exes and that’s ok! But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s flirting and being inappropriate. If so, you have a pattern of bad behavior on his end and you don’t trust him (with reason). Leaving would be very valid, but if you did want to try to work through things, couple’s counseling seems like it’d be your best bet.

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    Anonymousse
    February 13, 2023 at 9:19 am #1118690

    She may be overwhelmed with hormones and emotions since they have one month old twins and other kids. I think she should absolutely ask what is going on. Normally when anyone else is “talking to” someone in other posts, they are more than just texting them, it’s still spending time with someone else, even if it’s just a text. He is spending time outside an exhausted one month old twins! (Truly cannot imagine!) existence texting other women. Unless it’s shit about their shared kids, I can absolutely understand this reaction and I’m shocked she didn’t immediately ask him about it.

    Even if it’s friendly, I can see the hormones making this unacceptable to many just-had-a-baby women. The hormones are unreal. At least they were for me and many I know.

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    February 13, 2023 at 9:27 am #1118691

    If I’m reading this correctly, the guy has a child from a previous relationship? Is that why’s he texting his ex? He does need to communicate w/ his child’s mom.

    But I don’t know what the texts are about so I dunno.

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    ron
    February 13, 2023 at 6:26 pm #1118692

    Good point Ktfran. I don’t believe that husbands and boyfriends neeed to follow the Mike Pence rule. “Talking to” other women is indeed awfully vague. Since LW is complaining about this, I’ll assume until she elaborates to the contrary that ‘talking to’ does not include flirting, an affair, sexting, etc. If that’s the case, she needs to rejoin the real world.

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    Anonymousse
    February 14, 2023 at 8:28 am #1118697

    I don’t think anyone needs to follow the “Mike Pence” rule either but let’s also be a little forgiving- she had twin babies a month ago and her hormones are raging. If it is innocent texting about the kids, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    She said he was texting his ex and “one of the women from the beginning.” So to me, it sounded like more than a woman, and not innocent. But only she knows.

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    February 14, 2023 at 9:30 am #1118698

    Agreed that the other one might be concerning. I just didn’t want to jump to he’s shady right off the bat knowing he has another child with someone.

    From letters we get on here, we also know that some people, I’m not saying this LW, but some people would prefer if a new partner cut off all contact from the past, kids included.

    There wasn’t enough info. for me to say either way.

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    Anonymousse
    February 14, 2023 at 10:03 pm #1118700

    I mean, outside of coparenting or your job, I’m shocked anyone with 5 kids including twin-one-month-old-babies has the time or energy to text anyone but a nanny for some help.

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