Stay with Mum – Or move to bf.

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  • Bee
    June 30, 2023 at 2:59 pm #1123535

    Post warning – Mention of mental health issues such as suicide and self harm.

    Hi everyone,

    This is kind of long/confusing, but I’ll try to keep it as short and simple as possible.

    My boyfriend is from the UK, and for the past year and a half. We have been living in my mums house in ireland together. I am 21 years old. My parents are divorced, and the house has to be sold when I turn 23.

    My boyfriend has always suffered from mental health issues but suddenly things hit him very hard. He became really suicidal, often self harmed. He tried therapy in ireland but it did not help, and he basically decided overnight to move back to the UK. It completely broke my heart, but I just want him to be alive and okay. Over there he has his family support and is in a home environment.

    Him and I always planned to moved to the UK together soon (I have wanted to move there for awhile.) But now, I am completely stuck.

    I want to be with my boyfriend and support him. But, I don’t want to leave my mum, as that would force her to put the house on the market. In ireland, especially in this area, there is really not a lot of options for the amount of money she would be getting. She has animals, which are her life, and it would kill her if she had to rehome them. So she needs a place with a good bit of garden.

    My mum has never told me to stay and has encouraged me to go because the divorce stuff is “her problem”. My boyfriend also hasn’t asked me to be there, so no one is making me do anything. I just don’t know what to do.

    I don’t enjoy living in Ireland, I’m really just here so I can help my Mum out. I feel completely stuck, and hopeless. I don’t know weather to make the move to the UK, start my life properly or stay for as long as possible to help my Mum out.

    I really don’t mind whatever advice people give me! Thank you so much for reading.

    June 30, 2023 at 7:36 pm #1123539

    This is a very difficult situation. For now, it makes sense to stay with your Mum so that she can keep the house, but your presence only protects the house for less than two years. Your Mum needs to be working on a longer-term solution now. It sounds like your bf needs far more help than you can provide. Your bf recognizes that dealing with his mental health issues is his only priority at this time, and possibly for quite a long time. This is up to him, his parents, and the mental health professionals in the U.K. It seems that he also may be concerned with dragging you down with him.

    Most mental health issues can be at least greatly ameliorated, if the sufferer is willing to seek help and stick to a treatment program. Often this is a life-long chronic issue. Your bf is off to a good start. He recognizes he needs help and it getting it. That is not always the case.

    Best wishes to both of you and to your families.

    July 1, 2023 at 9:04 am #1123543

    I think for a second, if you could,

    Pretend your mum and your suicidal boyfriend are not in the picture.

    What do you want?

    That is what you should be considering. In either scenario, you’re being there to support someone, essentially. I would suggest that a person who is so disturbed as to be self harming and suicidal needs to focus on his MH and not romantic relationships.

    Your mum needs to sort out her divorce and the house. Maybe you can set aside a certain amount of time to help her figure out what to do, or at least point her to resources. You can’t do it all.

    If you want to move to the UK to start your life properly, do that for yourself, but not for the bf, okay? That doesn’t mean you have to cut him off or ghost h8m, but don’t move there, in with him and stay in the same depressive relationship that you can’t fix.

    Good luck.

    Avatar photo
    July 11, 2023 at 5:00 pm #1123682

    I realize I’m a bit late to this thread, but thought I’d chime in anyway as someone who used to sacrifice way too much of herself for others (boyfriends and parents), to say I agree with @Anonymousse. I know you love both, but take your mum and boyfriend out of the equation when deciding your next big life move. The issues you mention here — your boyfriend’s mental health issues and the aftermath of your parents’ divorce — are not yours, nor are they yours to solve. You shouldn’t stay at your mum’s out of guilt. You shouldn’t move to the UK just to support your boyfriend.

    If you’re unhappy in Ireland and dream of moving to the UK for reasons independent of your relationship, by all means, go! But go for yourself. IMO if you’re moving somewhere with or for a partner, it should only be to a place you think you’d be happy even if the relationship didn’t work out. At 21, I’d encourage just about any young person — especially a woman — not to live with their SO. I’m sure you’d be able to find flatmates. And while I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t be supportive of an SO going through a difficult time, stay mindful of whether or not the relationship continues to bring you fulfillment.

    Good luck!

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Stay with Mum – Or move to bf.

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