Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Stepdaughter (14) Hates me….

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  • #875434 Reply
    avatarNicole
    Guest

    My stepdaughter(of almost 6 years) used to be my best friend! She would choose to hang with me instead of going with her dad, watch movies in my room with me while he worked, took pictures with me and frequently used them as her wall paper on her phone. Now… She wont even look at me let alone speak to me. This has been going on for months!! Her mother hates me because my boyfriend no longer caters to her when she needs/wants something. She publicly degrades me in front of the children, mine included. I feel as if she has talked bad about me so much it has influenced my stepdaughter. My boyfriend asked her (Stepdaughter) why the change? And what have I done to make her feel like shes feeling? She said I haven’t done anything and she isn’t acting any certain way. I just don’t get it. I cant live like this anymore!

    #875437 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    She’s a teenager and she feels torn between you and her mother. Continue to be there for her and provide her with love and support.

    #875438 Reply
    avatarNicole
    Guest

    It is rather tough to be there for someone who acts as if I have an infection pouring from my face. I just am so miserable. I am not sure there is a fix for this because her mother is her biggest influencer it seems. I plan fun things and she’d rather stay home hidden in her room not speaking to me.

    #875439 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Teenagers often do this even if troublesome bio parents aren’t making waves. Your reaction — and language “infection pouring from my face…” is a bit over dramatic. Calm down. Whatever you do — DON’T make this about her mother. Never even mention her mother unless it is in glowing terms. Don’t feed into the drama. Rise above.

    #875440 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I was HORRIBLE to my mother (blood mother who birthed me) when I hit my teen years. HORRIBLE. The one and only time my dad lost it is when I was screaming at my mom and called her a bitch. God, I was awful. But at the same time, I still loved her and needed her.

    I don’t have any advice, really. It’s likely she found a target for all of her teenage angst/hormones and unfortunately it’s you, her mother figure, instead of her other mom. I agree with Part-Time Lurker. Be there for her. Let her know you are there. Show kindness as hard as it is right now.

    FWIW, my mom and I have an excellent relationship now and I’ve apologized for acting like a spawn of the devil. Hopefully she will come around.

    EDT – I had pretty great, supportive parents and I was still a complete ass hole. My dad was a little strict, but if that’s my only complaint, I’d say that’s pretty effing good.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarktfran.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarktfran.
    #875445 Reply
    avatarNicole
    Guest

    I NEVER ever speak badly of her mother! I would never! I do however feel like no matter how much I try it is a list cause! I try alot and I get ignored or dirty looks. I’ve literally wanted to leave my own house to stay somewhere else while she is here. It just breaks my heart to be punished for nothing. 🙁

    #875447 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I promise you my own mom was punished for nothing.

    I do feel for you. It has got to be hard to be a stepmom.

    #875449 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    It sounds trite and unhelpful but it really does sound like a teenage phase. I used to tell people I was the most hated woman on earth LOL my son is almost 29 now and like ktfran he apologized for being such a monster once he was older. Try to find a local support group where you can vent and talk with other parents or some reputable books on dealing with the stress. It does pass.

    #875451 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Good! Then you are doing all they can. Teens are fickle.

    I dunno. Maybe ease up a bit and stop trying so hard. That can come from the very best place and still backfire. Remain kind but maybe also try being a little more aloof…

    #875453 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    14 year olds are terrible. Just be as patient as you can.

    #875458 Reply

    She’s a hormonal teenager and this is totally normal. You know she doesn’t actually believe you’re the enemy. You need to figure out some coping methods to let these comments roll off your back. Think about what you needed at that age- unconditional love.

    Walk away, hide in the bathroom, fake a migraine, go for a run, do errands…whatever it is you need to take a break and get a breather. You can also just calmly say things like, “Stepdaughter, please don’t talk to me like that.” Ignore the facial expressions. Kids lack self awareness and I swear kids at every age make faces. That doesn’t mean she hates you, it means she’s struggling with the push/pull between her parents and you’re an easy target.

    Does her father spend one on one time with her? Maybe she’s acting out for attention? Stop looking at her like she’s out to get you. She’s probably hurting.

    Have you googled for advice for teens? I’m sure there are books for this stuff, too. Do some research and forgive her for her hormones.

    #875465 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Another thing to consider, maybe she has directed her teenage, hormonal anger at you because she feels safe with you? I know it sounds weird, but maybe you’re her outlet because she knows you will be there for her. It sounds like you had a good, solid relationship before.

    It doesn’t make her anger any easier to take, and it totally sucks, but something to consider to help you get through it.

    Be patient. Take time for yourself. Vent to friends. Disengage when she’s being horrible. Tell her she’s not being kind right now. But also let her know you still love her.

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