This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by LisforLeslie 3 months ago.
February 12, 2018 at 8:37 pm #739100
I have been struggling with this my entire life. Therapists haven’t helped, nothing has helped, so I’m turning to the Internet because I don’t know what else to do. I am a gay man, 20, and i have huge attachment issues with straight men. I can’t distinguish if its sexual or platonic. It’s a very intense want for straight male friends that has been in my life since i was a child. when i was a little kid, i would come home BAWLING to my mom because the other boys in class wouldn’t talk to me. My dad wasn’t close to me as a baby possibly, he was always either working or drunk. Maybe that lack of a father figure translated into these issues that i currently am tormented by, As i got older it progressively got worse…in middle school i actually was happy because i actually did have guy friends that accepted me, for the most part, but then i lost them and in high school i gained all friends that were girls and now…..Im in college with barely any guy friends and i know it may be normal for gay guys to have this kind of need for platonic male affection, but its KILLING me and stopping me from functioning. I have tried to join clubs and i have tried to do everything i know to do, and I still keep wanting what i don’t have. I have this deep insatiable craving for “bro” relationships, like a close male friend or group of male buddies that i can drink with and do dumb stuff with on the weekends …i never got that and i feel a huge void in my life. But i am also kinda feminine and don’t fit in and am not “one of the guys”….i also worry that if i get those male friends to hang out with, would i just want more? I dont want to hear any stuff like “ugh straight men are the worst just avoid them”. Trust me I went down that road and it made me more bitter and more upset. I dont know what else to do. I appreciate any time you take out of your day to give me your words. I dont know if i will ever achieve these relationships and i dont think i can be happy without them. Do any other gays experience this also?February 12, 2018 at 9:36 pm #739106
Sooo you probably don’t want to hear this, but here goes: you should go back to therapy/counseling. You’re young. I was once, too. I hated therapy. No one understood, it was a waste of my time, I wasn’t feeling “better” or whatever it was I was expecting to feel…blah blah blah. But! I came to realize that I just hadn’t found the right therapist or form of therapy that worked for me. It can take time and it can be frustrating but I think you can benefit from it. You need to get to the deeper emotions/issues at play here before trying to cultivate these relationships.
Your obsessive desire for these “bro” relationships are stopping you from “functioning”…that’s unhealthy. Sure we all feel alone sometimes and I’m sure many of us have longed for friends or felt it hard to start relationships (platonic or otherwise), but if you cannot focus on yourself and live fully (job, school, hobbies) then there is a big red flag that something deeper is brewing.
I recommend you examine what you hope to gain from these friendships. You seemed unsure about if you would “want more” than something platonic. How would you feel (hypothetically) if you DID develop romantic feelings for your straight friend and he didn’t feel the same way? What if you lost that (hypothetical) friendship?
Any attachments you try to form right now would likely be unhealthy for you and for the other men. Please, love yourself enough to tackle these attachment and obsessive issues. Once you do you will have more confidence and know more about what you really want/need out of the relationships in your life.
Once that happens I think you will find that just being active in your life (volunteer, join groups based on your hobbies and interests) and self confident will draw friends to you. You will probably also send out more positive vibes to others and be more likely to have the confidence to approach others and strike up a friendship. You don’t have to be ‘traditionally masculine’ to have hetero male friends.February 13, 2018 at 5:51 am #739122
Agreed on the counseling. Why must the men be straight? If we were reading this and someone wrote “I really really want gay friends” that would be pretty weird and insulting.
It doesn’t necessarily matter why you have this obsession. Life isn’t like the movies where you figure out the rationale behind your obsession and suddenly “Poof!” it’s gone and you can go on no longer bound by whatever it was.
Make friends to have friends – if not having straight male friends is causing you this much anxiety and distress – this is something you need to address.February 13, 2018 at 8:10 pm #739199
Yeah, gay men can do platonic bro things, too. I suspect this goes deeper and you really wanna bang all these hot straight guys you see swarming the campus.
Trust me, I get.
I’ve been there.
I get the appeal.
But you would be much better served hanging out of with gay guys if you can’t seem to attract the bro dudes you want. Join a gay club and frankly — this day in age, you will find butch straight-type guys, there, too, I suspect.
Hell, look at how hot and butch Gus Kenworthy is. Woof.February 13, 2018 at 8:30 pm #739203
I think that there’s some assumptions you’re making that maybe aren’t fully accurate? On one hand, I don’t think it’s totally abnormal to want friends of the same gender. I think if I had zero female friends, I would be displeased. Just because most people (not all) hang out with quite a few friends of their gender. And I can see why you’d want that if you additionally had issues with friends (like making them, losing them, etc.) But the part where they have to be straight is interesting, because like BGM says, straight or gay doesn’t dictate their personality or what they’re like. So, I guess I’m wondering if you really just want them to be straight or if you just have a stereotypical persona you want them to have (like bros or whatever).
I think there’s a variety of reasons it could be that you want this so badly. But if it’s stopping you from functioning, then you do need to address this in therapy. Because I don’t think that it’s just this innate need for straight male friends, it’s probably related to other feelings you have about your life and others. The obsession with it isn’t going to help you make friends, though, because typically when people are desperate, it’s obvious, and it makes people less likely to spend time with you.February 13, 2018 at 10:56 pm #739210
I feel like something’s missing from the story here. Why does it HAVE to be straight guys? I mean, if you want to hang out and go drinking with other men…gay men do that, too.
I’m getting the feeling that you’ve never really had gay friends, you’ve never been part of the larger LGBT community. You describe your friendship options as straight men, or women. Are you thinking that if you hang out with gay guys, it has to be a sexual thing? That’s not how it works. The gay men I know have platonic friendships with both straight men and gay men.
Start with LGBT organizations at school. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of guys to hang out and do stuff with, platonically. Gay isn’t a personality type. Gay men are just as diverse in their interests and personalities as straight men are. I know you’ll find a group of people you click with.February 14, 2018 at 11:58 am #739301
@essie – if I had to guess it would be that being straight is “being normal” and isn’t great to have “normal” friends. Bro friends. Friends who play pickup and know football plays and can recite baseball stats and talk about car parts. Everyone likes to be accepted and growing up it’s usually the straight guys that are the most popular.
Thing is – gay guys like base ball and foot ball and beer and crap. It’s just that some watch for the tushies and other for the stats and some for both.