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Dear Wendy

Struggling to get to know my friend’s friends

Home Forums Advice & Chat Struggling to get to know my friend’s friends

  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Moe.
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  • #1104081 Reply

    About six months ago, a friend of mine introduced me to another group of her friends, which was great since I enjoy meeting new people. Since I graduated from college a few years ago, a lot of people I knew moved away or went home while I stayed in my hometown (the same location as my college). I was excited to meet these new people and hopefully expand my social circle.

    For the first four months, everything seemed great & fine, and I was being invited to a lot of group hangs and such, but for the past two months, my mutual friend hasn’t invited me to anything with this group. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I don’t know how to move forward without seeming clingy.

    To complicate things, one of the people in this new group is a guy I’m interested in romantically, but I don’t know how I can get to know him better or really decide if I’m really interested if I’m never around him. My friend doesn’t seem to understand this, and I’m wondering if she’s interested in this guy, too.

    I know this group is really my friend’s friends, and I can see how she may feel protective of them or whatever, or might want to keep them to herself. But I am interested in this one guy, and I don’t know how to move forward.

    Should I say something to my friend at the risk of looking clingy or like she’s not as important to me as these new people?

    Should I just accept that this is the situation?

    Should I try & tell myself that maybe getting to know this group will take longer/be a slower process than I previously thought (considering things started out & seemed to be going along at a faster pace when this all started)?

    I don’t know what to think or do, so any thoughts are appreciated!

    #1104090 Reply

    So it was always the one friend who invited you to things with the other friends? Not other people in that group inviting you places? And are you still hanging out with this friend? Is she still doing things with those other friends? Or maybe she just hasn’t been getting together with them.

    I think in a situation like this, she’s definitely the gatekeeper and owns the relationship with that friend group. You can’t go around her, and you can’t push. I think you could mention – once – that those people are fun and you miss hanging out with them, or ask how they’re doing and say it would be fun to hang out again, but anything more than that wouldn’t be polite.

    Who knows the reason, maybe it has something to do with that guy, or maybe she feels like you don’t fit well with the group for some reason. It doesn’t really matter. They are her friends and it’s up to her to invite you to hang with them. If she doesn’t, you have to respect that.

    #1104093 Reply

    It’s your hometown and your college town? I think you should listen to Kate, take the hint and maybe next time be more forward and ask others for their info when you get invited to group events.

    #1108667 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    Do you know who is organizing the group hangs? If it’s not your friend, that may be part of the reason you’re not invited, at least sometimes.

    I think meeting friends of friends is a great way to meet new people but I guess after four months I’d expect you to have a way to get in touch with them outside of the friend who introduced you since it sounds like you saw them regularly for a bit. That way instead of feeling slighted that you’re not invited and wondering why, you can organize something and invite them. There’s a learning curve to making new friends as an adult and taking the initiative can feel intimidating but IMO is a good way to speed the process along.

    I think Kate’s suggestions for bringing it up sound good.

    #1109335 Reply

    Because your friend introduced you to a group of people, it does not mean you will be sure to end up connected to all of them right away. Maybe there is one or two in the group you have the most in common with that you can contact casually. Maybe “friend” them in Facebook or other social media. If you are interested in dating the guy, maybe ask your friend if he seems interested in dating in general, and if yes or you get no response, casually try to reach out directly and just say hi and start a conversation separately from the group.

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