Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Struggling to move on from the person i thought would be my future partner.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Struggling to move on from the person i thought would be my future partner.

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  • #961950 Reply
    avatarPooja Patel

    I recently found out that the guy i had been seeing for 3 years had a girlfriend for pretty much the whole time i was seeing him. When i met him he was going through a messy divorce and used this for the 3 years telling me he didn’t want to get too serious due to this.

    I admit i ignored a number of red flags throughout that time and am probably as much to blame for not challenging things as much as i should have. I just liked him so much. I just can’t get my head around why he continued to see me when he had a committed girlfriend the whole time.

    We never had sex, we did share a bed multiple times and got quite frisky, but it never went all the way due to my own morals. We texted daily like people in relationships do.

    I confronted him and he admitted he was with someone but continued to lie to me about how long it had been going on, he cried and apologised several times. I could tell he knew the game was up and i would contact his real gf. When i did i found out the proper truth. They had been committed for 3 years, been on several holidays and she’d met his friends and family. (everything i ever wanted in that whole time, he just kept saying we would progress once his divorce was over).

    It looks like they have chosen to keep going. They’ve now blocked me on all forms of social media. I feel so left behind and lost. They get their happy ending even though he did what he did and i am left here reeling, having wasted 3 years of my life.

    I’m 31, my culture puts huge pressure on girls of my age still being single and lockdown isn’t exactly ideal for dating. My parents and close friends have been great, supporting me as best they can. But the thought of starting all over again, having to reveal all your personal self again when you thought you had found the one who would accept it all is just making me feel so tired.

    Is it sad to say i miss him even if it was just as a friend? I used to tell him everything about my life, even the little things that happened throughout the day.

    My phone is so quiet now, i feel so alone 🙁

    #961954 Reply

    A 3-year romantic relationship without sex? Well, I think that you are delusional. Why do you lock yourself in such a situation, and in such “morals” ?

    #961955 Reply

    She said why. It’s because of her morals. Someone that committed to their morals isn’t going to just drop them at age 31 (even though they are likely tools of repression from her culture, but whatever).

    It’s done, and you are well rid of this guy. Use the lesson from this: take a MUCH stronger stand for what you want in a relationship. Maybe take some assertiveness training. No matter what (especially because of the cultural conditioning you have) you could really benefit from lessons on how to stand up for yourself more.

    As for why he continued to see you… it was for the ego boost and the attention.

    #961964 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    They didn’t “get their happy ending”! She chose to stay with a lying cheat who has zero respect for her! You on the other hand, dodged a bullet and are now free to find a man who will genuinely love you and treat you with honesty and respect. Trust me, it may not feel like it right now, but you’re the winner here.

    #961965 Reply

    You’re right in spirit, but it’s not “dodging a bullet” if you spent 3 years willfully ignoring the evidence that the guy had a wife and kid.

    #961967 Reply

    You are not to blame, by the way. He is a liar: he had in fact three women attached to him? His (ex)-wife, his girlfriend and you? What a jerk!
    It is normal for you to mourn your loss.

    Lesson : when a guy tells you he can’t have anything serious (for while), move on. Don’t ignore the obvious red flags. Don’t wait for ever. Just move on and say that you, you want a serious relationship.
    And you could reconsider your bound to the “morals” and the cultural determinations: I don’t say to ditch it altogether, but to take some distance, with your parents, the expectations. So that you have some freedom, while still identifying with your culture. If you are 31 – which is young, by the way – and no sex experience, it becomes more and more unrealistic. Not impossible, but it is a difficulty, because you rise the bar very high : marriage or nothing. You could give sex a try, after a certain while, and take your precautions with a man you have already a trust relationship with (like a serious boyfriend in an exclusive relationship). Take it step by step. It is nice, you know.
    Just saying, your life, your choice. Anyway, pay attention to the obvious reservations in any date.

    #961970 Reply

    Kate —

    As I read the OP, I don’t think the guy is actually married. She speaks of the other woman as if she is a gf and no mention of a child. I think the marriage and need to wait for a divorce was just the excuse he gave for not being willing to be in a new serious relationship. Three years is an awfully long time to wait for a divorce. I guess that eventually became too big a red flag for OP to continue to ignore.

    OP — you are definitely better off with the breakup, because you were never going to get what you wanted from him, just more wasted time. Best to know now. All breakups after an important relationship are awful, but it gets better with time and you will find someone new.

    #961971 Reply

    I don’t know if he’s married or just has a baby mama, but her last post made it clear she knew about it early on and gave the guy a pass.

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