This topic contains 21 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by JD 1 month, 1 week ago.
August 6, 2018 at 7:24 pm #784641
Hi All, thanks for your insight.
My boyfriend broke up with me due to my weight gain. When he first met me 2 and a half years ago, I was at my very smallest. The size I’m only at with a very restricted diet.
I yo-yo anyway, but now I’m the heaviest I have ever been. From a size 6 at my lowest to 14 now. I have had a very hard year. I was very sick for half the year and was so stressed out at work (inadequate staffing, on-call almost 24/7) that I cried a lot at home. I dealt with the stress poorly, ate a lot of comfort food while sick on my couch, and gained a lot of weight. I have stopped the weight gain and increased my exercise but am struggling to lose the weight.
He first brought it up a few months ago in a nice but I-have-to-say-this way. That my weight gain—and failure to lose it—really bothered him. That he was still attracted to me but not as attracted as he had been and wanted to be. That he wanted our engagement photos to look good. That devastated me. I was still sick at the time and cried and cried (I really am not normally a crier). This was not the first time he had brought up something negative about my appearance although he is not critical as a rule. I didn’t lose the weight after our discussion although I did make more of an effort. I almost broke up with him then.
Afterwards, I begged him to read couples’ books or some other resource with me to fix the big gaping hole in our relationship. He agreed but always had some excuse for not following through, despite my begging. It was like he had retreated — we still talked about day to day stuff but no plans, no hearts. We live 2 hours away from each other and spent almost every weekend together.
He broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He regretted it almost immediatelY. He tried to re-write it as a fight, but I said no, you broke up with me. We spent the next week talking. It was a good week of connection. He wanted to date again. I insisted on a no contact reflection period first. We have mostly stuck to that. He says that he thinks the reflection period is a good idea now because he wants me back and has to figure out why the wiring in his brain is screwed up. He has a lot more dating experience than I do and says that I’m the best match he’s ever had.
I miss him very much and still love him. But I have some really big doubts. I know I was at fault for gaining the weight and am working on it. But life is beginning to look up for me. My symptoms are under control. I’m starting a new job in my hometown next month — one that will be much less stressful. I don’t know how to forgive him for this although I want to and miss him. I don’t know I can ever not feel self-conscious about my body in front of him. I am not beautiful but try to look attractive and always wanted my SO to think I was beautiful. And I can’t forget that I begged for us to get help and he didn’t really put effort into it until after he broke up with me. Yet we get along pretty well day to day, have good talks about things, have the same religion, same views towards finances, both want kids if it’s not too late, I love him and his parents are great….
My hometown is 6 hours away so I’ll be even further away once I start my new job. He wasn’t willing to talk about the future anymore right before we broke up but after we broke up he talked about being willing to make the long drive to see me and eventually moving there in about half a year… for the record, I had been looking for new jobs in his city before our relationship seemed to stall and after that I wasn’t willing to take the risk…
My heart is sore, and only my willpower is keeping me from calling him. I miss him. But I’m scared of screwing up my life by wasting time with someone who I fear doesn’t love me deeply enough. He has flaws too that I don’t highlight because I don’t think that’s nice or helpful to do to someone you love. I know it was a lot of weight gain—and part of me is mad at myself and doesn’t blame him—but part of me is still really upset and angry. Mixed in of course are the parts that love and miss him. We were talking marriage last fall. And now this.
I guess I’m just looking for advice because my brain keeps going in circles. And has been for 2 weeks. Thank you.August 6, 2018 at 8:07 pm #784659
One day he will get old, lose his hair, and/or grow hair is places that perplex the mind, possibly gain weight, etc.
What if you have a child and aren’t the same?? No one really is!
Look, physical appearance can alter attraction but him walking as soon as it happens, knowing you are sick, not just deciding “hey I got him I’ll gain 400lbs!” is a huge issue.
Love is loving the good and bad, the ups and downs. I was very sick for about a year and gained about 40lbs. My ex didn’t even notice! I wasn’t even fully aware until I saw pics of us on vacation. Man I wish I knew and hadn’t worn that bikini. He never said a word, because you know, I was sick, crazy sick actually, I spent every other day at a doctor, literally! He’d still tell me I looked nice in an outfit or what not. Now when i lost it he for sure mentioned it, which was great, but he never made me feel bad.
Maybe he is too immature to realize that people change physically. It doesn’t matter who either of you end up with, you both will change.
You need to forget him and move on. You know what’s fucking amazing for heartache? Working out! Seriously, the endorphins, the positive change, the physically and mentally feeling better! You WILL get back on track, and not to a restricted diet, a reasonable one where you take care of yourself.August 6, 2018 at 8:17 pm #784665
The answer is no. Check out the other post on here about mmarriage to a guy she wasn’t attracted to & now he wants a divorce(fair enough to him). Only go out with people who love and respect you as you are. MOA.August 6, 2018 at 9:24 pm #784692
Yeah, he broke up with you for a reason. The reason hasn’t gone away. You still have the weight and it really shouldn’t matter if you have gained weight or not, love is love regardless of physical appearance.August 6, 2018 at 9:39 pm #784699
Break contact with him and move on. Simple truths: A size 14 really isn’t all that large; we almost all gain weight as we age and it becomes harder and harder to take it off and keep it off; you have some self-esteem issues if you think the break up is your fault because you gained weight, stop blaming yourself for that, many men and women gain weight without their SO leaving him; it says something (not something good) about him that he would break up with you over weight gain, then change his mind, then try to gaslight you that he hadn’t actually broken up with you — he doesn’t even own his mistakes, are you sure you really think you are to blame because you gained weight or did he put this notion in your head by more gaslighting; you likely can reduce your weight, it also likely will come back at some time, to take him back with the notion that your weight gain is the problem (it isn’t, if he really loved you he wouldn’t have broken up over that) — you don’t want to be in a relationship where it is always going to be hanging over your head that you have a ‘contract’ to stay slim and he’ll likely leave you if you return to an actually very common and often extremely attractive size 14.August 6, 2018 at 10:14 pm #784714
Oh, honey, I don’t even know where to start with this. He’s not the guy for you. At all. He probably never was.
Let’s say that you starve yourself down to a size 6, and he comes back, and maybe even proposes. How does that work for the future? You spend the rest of your life on that “very restricted diet?” Living in fear that he’ll leave you if you gain a few pounds?
Look at what you’re already doing to yourself. You’re blaming yourself for gaining weight when you were sick. You’re beating yourself down now, what will your self-image be like after 5 or 10 more years of this? Let’s say you two have kids. Is this what you want to model for your daughter? Mommy has to stay thin or Daddy won’t want her anymore?
I know you think he’s the only guy you’ll ever want, and you’ll never be happy again if he leaves. It’s not true. The world is full of men. Men who’ll love you just as you are.
Leave him behind and move on with your life. And see a nutritionist to help you find a healthy diet that will get you to a healthy size. Which I doubt is a size 6, if you have to be on a severely restricted diet to maintain that.August 6, 2018 at 10:46 pm #784723
WEES. You had a horrible year and he bailed. Real partners stick around when life kicks your ass. You can do better.August 7, 2018 at 12:43 am #784762
Oh honey, move on. Beteeen pregnancy, age and menopause you are going to gain and lose and gain and lose. You need to find someone who adores every inch of you. Go search for pierce brosnan and wife. She is gorgeous but over the years her body has changed. Clearly he still loves her. Search Jill goodacre and her husband what’s his name the gorgeous musician. She was a freaking Victoria’s Secret model.
You deserve a hell of a lot more than that guy.August 7, 2018 at 8:50 am #784919
Dump him. You were sick. Bad job and not sleeping. Depressed, that’s why you were crying all the time. And you really have not gained all that much weight. Do not try to be a size 6. If you are hardly eating,it is really really hard on your bones. Want to have a bunch of fractures in your 50’s? Not sleeping will really put the weight on and you were stress eating. The new job is great, just what you need. The weight is going to come off now that your life is back on tract. Your boyfriend would not support you when you needed some support. Not helpful. What if you got cancer or went through a windshield? Find someone else. And I bet you are really pretty you just do not see it.August 7, 2018 at 11:11 am #784962
I don’t know if you’ve always felt this way about yourself or if he’s made you more self-conscious, but you’re not required to keep a certain weight in order to be in a relationship. You’re not “at fault” for gaining weight. If a person expects their partner to look the same forever, then they probably aren’t cut out to be in a relationship.
Don’t get back together with this guy. Find someone who you can be happy with just by being yourself.August 7, 2018 at 12:36 pm #784986
Stay a million miles from him. Find someone better.August 7, 2018 at 6:45 pm #785079
All of the above. My husband and I are older and have gained weight over the years. I notice his big belly sometimes, but I always see his kind face.