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Dear Wendy

Taking a chance

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #838142 Reply

    I was dating this guy who was all about me for about 8 months. During our relationship my ex texted me and told me he moved home. I decided to meet him (my ex) and realized I still wasn’t over my ex and it wasn’t fair to keep leading my current bf on so I broke things off. I never cheated physically but a part of me felt like I was cheating emotionally. After we brokeup I talked to my ex and we decided we’d keep it casual for now because he just started a new job and was travelling a lot. He was very honest and upfront and I agreed because I’m busy with school and don’t have a lot of free time either and I just got out of a relationship. He said he thinks it’s a good idea to try again and take it slow to see where it could go because the feelings are still there but I’m just lost and scared to get hurt again. I know sometimes you just need to take a chance but I don’t wanna be hurt again. I need an opinion.

    #838143 Reply

    Well, I think it all depends – why did you and your ex part in the first place?

    #838145 Reply

    Agreed. That part is key….

    #838146 Reply

    We ended because he moved far and the distance wasn’t close enough to maintain a relationship

    #838149 Reply

    Then I vote “hell yeah! Go for it!”

    #838396 Reply

    Taking it slow is great as long as you are getting what you need. Don’t give up what you want to please him. He can either meet reasonable demands (exclusivity, a night out together once a week, etc.) or he can’t.

    Don’t accept less than you need.

    #838656 Reply

    Yeah, in general, this is a situation where it could make sense to try again with an ex.

    That said, if you feel like you were more into the relationship than he was, stuff like that, I would caution you that it probably won’t change. If everything was really wonderful and it was still pretty new and he moved to another country and you mutually decided not to try to stay exclusive, definitely, try again. But if there were issues that were never resolved, they’re still going to be there. You said he hurt you?

    #838663 Reply

    I don’t know, there’s a lot of hesitation on your end. On one hand, every relationship is a risk that you’ll end up hurt in some way. But if you are worried enough about that to mention it twice, and as Kate said…it seems like you maybe had stronger feelings for him than he had for you, maybe it’s smart to be more cautious, or to just move on.

    If you’re that worried about being hurt again, and don’t have much time to even be in a relationship…maybe now is just not a good time to be pursuing someone. Not wanting to be casual is okay. In my experience, having more feelings for someone and accepting the scraps they give you DOES lead to heartache. Will you always be wishing and hoping for more? If so, you’re likely to be disappointed frequently. You broke up with your new bf for a shot at this guy again. That shows a level of commitment to your old ex that I’m not sure he would reciprocate. To me, his immediately making sure this was only casual could be a warning that it will always be so. Date, by all means, but keep your expectations realistic and trust your gut.

    And quite honestly, dating men back to back is a little worrisome. Why were you with your most recent guy, if you were pining for someone else and/or clearly not that into him?

    #838690 Reply

    So it sounds like you dated a guy for 8 months, whom you actually didn’t care about? And you worry about YOU getting hurt.

    With regard to the ending of your relationship with your ex, he moved far away is really not an adequate explanation. Did he have a choice not to move far away? Was there a reason the two of you couldn’t have moved somewhere together? Did he move, in part, because your relationship was dying?

    You say you were hurt by the breakup, suggesting something more than the two of you having a thriving long-term relationship, he having no choice about a transfer, and you having commitments which prevented you from moving with him.

    #838691 Reply

    I’d probably disagree with some of the other comments here. Your ex is back but is traveling a lot. Is this enough travel that you two are still going to have difficulty sustaining a relationship? Without any additional evidence, assume that you both will put the same amount of effort into the relationship and just look at the logistics (meaning, don’t base this on the idea that one of your is going to do a 180 in your effort toward dealing with distance).

    Also, it’s good to go slow, but it’s also entirely possible that he wants to be casual indefinitely. That he wants to hook up with you again because he’s lonely and misses you. So, don’t jump into this with the assumption that you’re going to be serious again unless that actually appears to be happening.

    #842541 Reply

    Hi guys, it’s Poppy the writer of this post. Just wanted to update you and say thank you to those who told me I was waiting for nothing, you were right. We didn’t talk for a month after he left me on read and I forced it into my head ‘he’s just not that into you’. He texted me today asking why we fell off he grind (obviously because you didn’t text me, idiot). I decided to meet for a drink because it’s always nice catching up with someone but also to see where his intentions were. There was nothing there emotionally or sexually. As for me once thinking I was weak and could never get over him, here I am moved on. Realizing that there was nothing worth salvaging anyway

    #842552 Reply

    Good for you for recognizing it and moving on!

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