- This topic has 94 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by Cayleeamanda.
cayleeamandaOctober 23, 2018 at 1:37 pm #805711
So I “met” this guy on an online forum after he commented on a post of mine. I was looking for advice on what to do about this guy I liked and he came with really helpful advice. We started private messaging just about my situation, but then things got more personal. We talked about our past relationships, hobbies, interest etc. We talked about controversial topics and shared our beliefs. I told him about insecurities of mine and vise versa. It got fairly personal really quickly but we both enjoyed talking to each other. We both told each other that it was very unlike ourselves to get so personal with someone so quickly but in his words there was something “different” about me. We communicated pretty much all day. He mentioned early on that he was married and once we exchanged first and last names I saw pictures of him and his wife. Early on he talked about the fact that him and his wife are in an open relationship and that their relationship was “different”. We had a discussion about open relationships and I asked him how it worked and he gladly told me about it.
One day the topic of snapchat came up and we exchanged usernames and added each other on there. That same night he sent me a picture of one of his tattoos (we had talked about it and how I wanted to see what it looked like) and the next day he told me he was drunk. From then on our conversations have been on snapchat. We’ve talked almost everyday since and usually throughout the whole day (must add we’ve only been talking for a little less than two months). He talks about his wife a decent amount, and has shared to me about her own issues. He has told me that he’s not happy right now in his marriage, because his wife isn’t happy right now but he promises he’s not leaving her and that he loves her with his heart. He’s shared to me how they met, and has told me how much he loves her.
I really enjoy talking to him and he’s told me he enjoys talking to me too. It’s never gotten sexual, or even flirty really. We’ve complimented each other on certain things but that’s about it. My issue is I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. He’s told me intimate details about their relationship and their troubles and I’m always there to listen to him and I’ve never told him that it makes me uncomfortable but it kind of does. I also feel like I may be starting to get feelings for him (or maybe the idea of him?) which makes it more complicated. I really look forward to talking to him, and I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone before. I think our relationship really serves as a way for us to both have someone to vent to, and just talk to throughout the day and nothing more, but I really like him. It also doesn’t help that physically, he’s very attractive too. I guess my question is should I feel bad? We’re really just talking and have made no plans of meeting (we live in two different states). A part of me considers this to be emotional cheating in a way, but since their relationship is open, I suppose that’s not really a thing. Idk what to do, I don’t want to stop talking to him but I also don’t know if this relationship is “appropriate”. Over the last week or so it’s been pretty distant and I have a feeling something may have happened. We went from talking all the time to now hours go by or even a whole day and nothing. Our conversation has the same tone but it just feels different since we’re talking much less than we use to. I don’t know if I’m crazy, I don’t know if it’s just the little voice in my head but it feels different. Should I just stop talking to him? How would I even go about that? I do believe that his relationship is open, we’ve only been honest with each other and I think if it was something else it would have gotten flirty.JDOctober 23, 2018 at 1:44 pm #805712
Don’t ever involve yourself with a married man. If he’s unhappy he’d leave. All married men say this when they want to find a side chick. Don’t be a side chick.JDOctober 23, 2018 at 1:44 pm #805713
Oh and how do you go about not talking to someone. Don’t talk!cayleeamandaOctober 23, 2018 at 2:02 pm #805714
i cant be a side chick to someone that i’ve never met. He is in an open marriage. From what he’s told me is that he’s unhappy right now, but doesn’t have any plans to leave her.JDOctober 23, 2018 at 2:20 pm #805715
Ugh, still no.cayleeamandaOctober 23, 2018 at 2:25 pm #805716
so i should just ghost him? stop talking to him with no explanation?VathenaOctober 23, 2018 at 2:28 pm #805717
You don’t owe him anything. You’ve never met in person, and for all you know he’s completely catfishing you. Maybe YOU have been honest, but you really don’t know anything about this guy at all. So yes, you could just ghost. If you want to give him some explanation, tell him that it actually does make you uncomfortable to have a married man be so emotionally intimate with you, so you are going to end your “relationship”. THEN stop talking to him. Easy.
So it’s kind of weird that you’re chatting on SnapChat. I don’t really “get” SnapChat, but it seems like it’d be a cheater’s paradise since exchanges are deleted.
If it feels inappropriate to you — which you say it’s starting to — then it probably is inappropriate. You can stop talking to him with no explanation; you’ve never met, so he’s effectively a stranger to whom you owe nothing. Or if you must, you send him a note saying that you feel your relationship is inappropriate, and goodbye, and good luck.
Lastly, you may want to invest more time in cultivating relationships in person. Developing feelings for someone you’ve never met before — who could be lying about any number of things — isn’t really normal. Take up a new hobby. Join a MeetUp group. Get out there!cayleeamandaOctober 23, 2018 at 2:41 pm #805719
I understand that technically speaking I really don’t owe him anything, but I feel like that’s a really rude thing to just stop talking to him with no explanation. Honestly I’ll probably just slowly stop answering him as frequently as I do, which is what he seems to be doing now that I think about it. i wish he would be man enough to tell me what is going on but I don’t expect that. I really only started to feel somewhat uncomfortable with it because he was telling me about problems in his marriage. I think I just got caught up for a while but I know I should stop talking to him. the last thing i’d ever want to do is cause problems in someones marriage. Our conversations were really nice, and are harmless in my eyes but I’m not the one in the marriage. It’ll suck not having someone to talk to, and i probably will not open up to someone ever again lol.
You know it’s wrong, and you’re twisting yourself into knots to come up with a justification for doing it anyway.
There isn’t a justification. It’s not different, it’s not special. It’s a garden-variety emotional affair. You’re falling for him. And all you know about this guy is what he’s telling you. Why not ask him to have his wife give you a call and confirm that they have an open marriage? The odds are good that you’d never hear from him again.
In fact, I’ll bet the “something” that happened is that she looked at his phone and saw your conversations.
How do you stop talking to him? You just do. You tell him what you’ve told us. You say that you’ve realized that what’s happening is inappropriate, and it makes you uncomfortable when he shares intimate details of his relationship with his wife. And talks about “her issues.” If I were her, I’d divorce his sorry ass on the spot if I found out he was talking to some random chick on the internet about “my issues.”
And then you say goodbye, and you block him. Then you find someone who isn’t in a relationship to chat with.
You are giving this way (WAY!) too much thought. You say your conversations were an emotional affair, but you also say they are harmless in yours eyes — which is it? It can’t be both.
I missed the detail in your first letter that he’s pulling away. Maybe his wife is growing suspicious of how much time he’s spending on freakin’ SnapChat. Maybe he’s gotten bored. Maybe he’s decided he wants to fix the problems in his marriage and can’t do that with you. Either way, it sounds like he’s fading out, so why even bother worrying about what type of polite goodbye you owe him?
If you want someone to talk to, go meet people in real life. A lot of adults are a bit lonely and looking to make new friends.
I think this guy is super bad news. In my experience, guys who hang around relationship advice sites (and no, not like Fyodor and Ron on here) and chat up women who ask for or give advice, and then take it off the site, are serial cheaters and attention whores. I met a guy exactly this way when I was in my late 20s. He initially came off soooo nice and thoughtful and great to talk to, but as it turns out he cheated on every girlfriend he ever had, as well as his first wife and now probably his second as well.
Anyway. There’s something very off about a guy you meet this way, and his subsequent behavior and how he talks about his wife is so inappropriate, I’m sorry. Just no. First of all, given what I know about guys, I’m very skeptical that his marriage is actually open the way he says it is. And then, he’s sharing all these intimate details with strangers, and honestly you’re probably not the only chick he’s talking to. That sharing of intimate details is just so flipping wrong. If he cares about his marriage and fixing it, he needs to be in counseling. Telling a counselor this stuff in front of his wife.
I am surprised he hasn’t gotten sexual and asked for pics of you. Are you sure that he hasn’t? That would be this type of guy’s MO. Sending you pics to get attention and to get you to reciprocate, leading to distracting sexychat and possibly a meetup. If you don’t think he’s gone there, you may be missing the signs. And he may be backing off because he’s bored and you’re not giving him what he’s after.
What do/did you even want here? Personally I think he’s just a bored attention seeking jerk and time waster, and you should start backing way off from talking to him.