This topic contains 22 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by allathian 3 weeks, 3 days ago.
- September 16, 2019 at 4:25 pm #852435
It’s a really common thing to suddenly re-develop strong feelings for an ex when you realize they’ve moved on from you. I know she was never an ex because you were never together, but still, the fact that she’s carrying another man’s child has sort of a finality to it. The fantasy you’ve been carrying around all these years just got smashed to bits by reality, and of course that hurts. There’s no need to feel guilty about feeling that loss.
Like @Ron, I wonder why you never acted on this in all those years. It sounds like there were plenty of times when she wasn’t in a relationship. Even if *you* were in one, if this was your dream woman and you knew she wanted you and was available, why on earth did you not break up with Ms-You’ll-Do-Because-I-Can’t-Have-The-Woman-I-Really-Want?
I think this grand, star-crossed romance existed mostly in your head. And maybe that’s what you need to see in order to break its hold on you.
This was never going to happen. Neither of you wanted it to, not enough to make it happen. You could have made a move. She could have made a move. Neither of you did.September 16, 2019 at 5:18 pm #852438
You can start with a congratulation message. Look, you both will develop then a healthier relationship as friends.
It was obvious that your connection was affectionate but going nowhere. Love relationships rarely happen like this. It happens when you meet the person and you both act on it. You haven’t see her in 18 months! It is a good thing for you to learn that info. You will at last invest in reality and renounce that dream – which sounds very much like an escape from intimacy, serious involvment in a real relationship which imply responsibilities. I am sorry for your shock, but it is for the best for you too!September 16, 2019 at 7:48 pm #852441
Start by doing something you’ve never done in this relationship: be honest. (You say, “I’m completely hopeless at hiding my emotions,” yet your whole story is that you never straight-up expressed your emotions to her.)
Tell her that you saw her pregnancy on Insta. Don’t pretend like you don’t know. Just tell her you know.
I’d agree with others that if you really wanted this woman, you would’ve gone after her years ago. Or said something. That you didn’t, that you moved far away without a peep, says to me that you were ambivalent at best. Clear your headspace of her as a possibility and guess what happens? — Someone new will be able to come into your experience.September 17, 2019 at 3:09 am #852447
Thank you for all the responses. I really do appreciate it.
A lot of you have made some assumptions that aren’t true. This is probably in part due to my lack of writing skills and my current emotions preventing me from explaining myself accurately.
I never believed that ours was the “love of the ages” or a “star-crossed romance” or anything similarly sentimental. I also don’t accept that I was ever a particularly bad boyfriend or in any way “making do” with current girlfriends while secretly longing for this girl. If you had asked me a week ago, I would have described this girl as a very dear friend and someone who I would almost certainly have been involved with if our situations had been different. It’s only since learning of her pregnancy that all these feelings have come flooding to the fore.
I think it is unfair to suggest that if I really wanted her, I’d have gone after her years ago. Life is not that cut and dried. I never made a move on her because one of us was always involved with someone else. I loved her and I believe she had similar feelings for me (albeit maybe not as strong) but I’m not a huge romantic and I never felt any sense of urgency. In hindsight this was a mistake, but I never would have predicted feeling the way I am feeling now. Perhaps the fact that I am currently single is intensifying my emotions.
It is what it is; sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. As I said to begin with, my hope was that writing everything down would help me deal with it – and it has a little bit.September 17, 2019 at 6:13 am #852453
I can appreciate your point of view, but I disagree that life is not that cut and dried. People go after what they want. If you really loved her, I really find it hard to believe you never said anything or made any sort of move in nine years. If you were in love with her, why were you in relationships with others?
Life is messy, Love is messy, people often just speak up or make a move. You don’t get the things you want in life by waiting idly by. Things often don’t just fall on your lap. You have to actively choose your path. The path you chose involved moving away and never, over nearly a decade, ever telling her how you felt. How was she to know? I don’t think she loved you that way, but if she did, she had moved on.September 17, 2019 at 10:33 pm #852532
@anonymousse Once again, thank you for your reply; I appreciate that you have taken the time to write.
You say that you disagree that life is not that cut and dried but then go on to say that life and love are messy. You appear to have contradicted yourself.
You asked, “If you were in love with her, why were you in relationships with others?” This is very unfair. What was I supposed to do? Stay celibate and wait around in the hope that she became single? I had no idea how long her relationships were going to last. It is unreasonable to suggest that I shouldn’t have pursued other relationships, even though she was unavailable to me. I have already admitted that, in hindsight, I wish I had done things differently.
Please appreciate that in my original post, I have condensed nine years of friendship down into a few short paragraphs. I feel that your analysis of my actions (or lack of) is – again – based on assumptions that simply aren’t accurate. And again, I’m certain this is in part due to my own inadequate synopsis of my relationship with the girl – but I can’t feasibly detail every encounter we ever had.
You raise a point that I never told her how I felt or made any sort of move on her. I described our love as “unspoken” and it largely was – but that doesn’t in any way mean that she wasn’t aware of my feelings. She absolutely was. Unequivocally.
I should have done things differently. I already know this. I said so in my original post and I hate myself for it. My reason for writing on here was not to have my love for this girl questioned, or to be critiqued on the poor decisions which I freely admit I made. I wrote on here because I hate all the jealousy, regret and bitterness that I am feeling right now and I hoped the people may be able to offer some councel.September 18, 2019 at 8:35 am #852554
I don’t think saying your choices were cut and dried- choose to make a move or wait a decade in the hopes something will happen… and that life is messy contradict each other. Life is messy. Choices are often cut and dried. Life is also full of contradictions. You have to make decisions for yourself. You chose not to ever speak up and take a risk or make a move, regardless of other partners, etc.
To you other question, no you weren’t supposed to stay celibate, you should have made a move. That’s my point. I also agree with Ron that I don’t see how you could have been a good partner if you were secretly pining away for someone else for your entire relationship.
I can admit I don’t understand your point of view and inaction. I’m a romantic, I guess. I left my city, friends, job and followed after the person I loved to a new city in the hopes we could date. We weren’t even dating! But I knew I loved him, I knew I couldn’t be happy without him, and I knew if I didn’t go after him I would forever regret it. It was a hard choice, with great risk. The things you do for love.
I also don’t understand how you can say she knew how you felt unequivocally, but also that you had never, ever spoken of it almost ten years. I think anyone would assume at that point that they were wrong about what they thought you felt. I don’t think that this friend/relationship was ever what you imagined it to be.
You should see a therapist. I hope you do. They can help you work through these unpleasant feelings and move forward. I’m sorry you don’t find my comments helpful.September 18, 2019 at 9:09 am #852559
Insisting that I was a bad boyfriend to the girls that I did have relationships with (with absolutely no factual basis to support such an accusation) is neither consoling nor advisory; it’s merely insulting.
I’m sorry if I appear ungrateful towards your comments but all you’re really telling me is what I already know; I messed up. I never acted on my feelings. I know this to be true; I said it myself in the original post.
Again – my intention in posting here was for help with the negative emotions I am feeling since hearing of her pregnancy. I do not require a retrospective on the bad decisions I’ve made for the past nine years.September 18, 2019 at 12:29 pm #852578
I didn’t say you were a bad bf.
But I also think being in love with someone else (as you claim) is a factual basis to say it probably wasn’t that great. It either wasn’t that great, or you weren’t in love with your friend.
We’ve all told you to see a therapist. Good luck to you.September 18, 2019 at 2:07 pm #852592
I said you were a bad bf. You say basically “of course I had other gfs when the woman I really wanted was unavailable — I didn’t want to be celibate.” One can avoid celibacy through hook-ups/fwbs. Both are an explicit, mutually agreed sharing of sex between two adults who acknowledge they aren’t interested in a relationship. It seems that you were never available for a real relationship with these other women you dated, because you were fixated on your currently unavailable dream, while these women you were dating likely believed you desired a full-fledged relationship with them, one that had the potential to end in a permanent or near-permanent relationship. Clearly, that is not what you were seeking with them. You wanted enough sex to get by until dream woman was available.September 19, 2019 at 1:02 am #852650
Oh what a mess. The past is the past, you can’t change it. Hopefully you’ll learn something from it so you can avoid making the same mistake again. With dating apps it’s easier than ever to find casual sex partners, if that’s what you’re looking for.
You can’t really truly know how another person is feeling unless you talk about it. Talking about feelings can be difficult for anyone, but it’s stereotypically so for for British men raised in a “stiff upper lip” culture. My point is, you can’t really know how your pregnant friend felt about you in the past, if you never talked about it. You can only know what you thought she felt, which is far from the same thing.
However, no matter what she felt or didn’t feel for you in the past, she’s moved on. She’s found someone she loves and respects enough to have a child with. She must have a reason for keeping her pregnancy hidden from you and anyone she didn’t see in person, only communicated with through social media. (A bit irrelevant here, but it would be interesting to know what that reason is.)
What you can do now is to try and deal with your jealousy. I hope you can find it in yourself to be truly, honestly happy for her. Seeing a mental health professional to talk things over with might help. You don’t need to be crazy to seek help, just as you don’t need to be dying to see a doctor.