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The guy I’m dating told me he subscribed to an only fans recently

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  • This topic has 42 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarron.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 43 total)
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  • #963407 Reply
    avatarRebecca
    Guest

    So the current guy I’ve been dating for the past 4 months recently told me he had subscribed to an only fans and told me he wanted to come clean about it bc he felt bad.

    How do I tell him i dont like that he has one even tho i told him something along the lines of thanks for telling me I get that guys have needs and that i essentially dont care.
    But I obviously do and I’m really hurt he has one bc the girl is extremely pretty and he now has access to her pictures. And I’m so insecure and I dont so well with confrontation.

    Any advice? Or how do you ladies feel about that?

    #963410 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Tell him you don’t feel comfortable with Only Fans stuff and since the two of you are on separate pages about that, you’ll need to stop seeing him. Seriously. The truth is you don’t feel comfortable. The truth is he does, and he’s paying to see some girl or girls’ explicit content. Don’t pretend to be ok with it. Thank him again for being honest but tell him you don’t think you’re compatible.

    #963411 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Give him the same honesty he gave you. It bothers you. I’ve heard of onlyfans, but don’t know much about it. That’s where you pay to get access to pic & videos & cam sessions right? What bothers you about it? Is it spending money & developing a “relationship” with a person (this would bother me) Or is it just that he’s looking at pictures of another woman? (This wouldn’t bother me) Maybe knowing my husband was looking at the same person would bother me. I don’t have a problem with porn or with knowing my husband finds someone attractive. Figure out what it is that bugs you, where your boundaries are, and if this is ultimately a deal breaker for you. Then have a conversation with him.

    Honestly I would have the biggest problem with spending money on something that is so abundant and free. Surely he’s heard of PornHub

    #963412 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    That’s be my issue with it too, Helen, both paying money (you don’t want your husband or bf using household budget for that stuff), and also that it’s the same person that he’s seeking out explicit content and potentially interacting with. It crosses a line for me when there’s interaction/it’s ongoing. To me it’s not the same as porn. It would be more like if he kept visiting the same club to get lap dances from a dancer.

    LW, you need to be able to articulate this stuff to someone you’re seeing.

    #963435 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    had to look up what only fans was. Agree with Kate and Helen that it seems different from just watching porn, as it is one particular person.I think you ought to tell him if you are unhappy with it.I suppose it’s good he told you, but if you express your discomfort and he says anything to pressure you in to doing something to fulfil his needs in this regard, like letting him have those sort of images of you-“so he doesn’t feel he needs to do this any more,” run for the hills.I’m probably misjudging him in which case sorry, but I’ve seen that scenario once or twice, it’s not outwith the bounds of possibility. Basically you need to have an honest conversation about how you feel about it.

    #963438 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Thank him for being honest, but tell him this won’t work for you. Tell him you do actually care and break up with him. Be honest. Don’t allow him to shame you for caring.

    Then examine why you initially lied about something that made you this uncomfortable. Are you a people pleaser? Were you scared to be honest and not seen as a “cool girl” anymore? Having a bf or a relationship isn’t just trying to get someone to be with you, it’s about finding a person who makes you feel safe, heard, happy, who has the same or similar moral compass, etc. Be thankful he was honest and feel confident that speaking up and moving on wad the best thing you could have done for yourself.

    #963442 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    I don’t get the jump to breaking up with him that some of you are making. Why not start by telling him this is a boundary for you and asking him to unsubscribe? This is a new relationship, and thus a good time to establish these boundaries together.

    While you’re at it, talk about all sorts of scenarios! Strip clubs? Live cam sessions vs. images vs. videos? Get it out in the open and don’t be afraid to be honest. In my experience, boyfriends have been grateful to know what my comfort limits are in clear terms. Everyone has different preferences and comfort levels with this stuff, and he won’t look down on you for not being a “cool girl” about it. (Or if he does, that’s when you bounce.)

    #963443 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I guess because they’ve been dating 4 months and he’s not her boyfriend? And he’s telling her this stuff, why? I mean kudos for being honest, but I don’t see a guy telling a woman this kind of thing if he’s invested in the relationship and wants to keep her around. That’s odd.

    #963444 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Like, if you really feel bad about it, dude, unsubscribe and don’t tell the woman you’re dating because you know it would hurt her. Right?

    #963445 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And in conclusion, I feel like the guy who tells you after a few months of dating that he pays for some girl’s nudes and cams, is going to tell you after 4 years that he’s been hooking up with the bartender. Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

    #963446 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    In defense of OnlyFans, it has been a game changer in the adult content market, effectively cutting out all notoriously skeezy middlemen and allowing sex workers access to a broad market that they can control and get a much larger share of profits. It’s a major competitor to Pornhub which is notorious for a broad range of violations.

    That said – I do agree that there is something off here. It’s odd that he’s apologizing for this. Maybe he’s testing the waters to see where you stand on things. Maybe he’s aggressively pursuing someone on OF. Maybe he wants to be amore ethical porn consumer but was feeling bad about the personal nature of OF. This will require a lot of hard conversations, but I don’t think this has to be a dealbreaker.

    #963447 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Yeah, he’s effectively telling her his boundaries. And they include paying for private access to cam girls. That’s not going to work for her, so it’s time to peace out. Realistically, a guy who wants that sort of interaction isn’t going to stop and never, ever do it again because his SO asks him to. They’re fundamentally mismatched. Better to accept that and leave then stick around and discover months or years from now that (shockingly) he’s still doing it. Fwiw LW I wouldn’t be with someone who did this. It’s ok to have boundaries and limits, you shouldn’t pretend to be ok with something you aren’t ok with.

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