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Dear Wendy

The guy I’m dating told me he subscribed to an only fans recently

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  • This topic has 42 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarron.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 43 total)
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  • #963451 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    Like bloodymediocrity says, there’s an ethical case for OnlyFans vs. traditional exploitative porn. I think a lot of the interactions on there are fairly impersonal, even though subscribers pay. I get the idea that this *might* be a small red flag, but the boyfriend deserves a chance to explain his reasoning and to hear hers. I still think it’s a good sign that, four months in, he paused to reflect on his porn habits and checked in with his girlfriend.

    #963452 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Except she’s not comfortable with it. Like to me, the “more ethical than pornhub” justification – okay, that’s good for the people creating content, but it doesn’t make me suddenly okay with my partner *subscribing to one particular woman’s explicit content.* And that’s okay if I’m uncomfortable with that and consider us incompatible.

    Plus it’s weird that he’s volunteering this information and also hasn’t wanted to commit after 4 months of dating. If she wants a boyfriend, time to just move on.

    ETA, sounds like maybe he knows this woman, which would make me more uncomfortable.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by avatarKate.
    #963457 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    I can appreciate the ethical arguments for onlyfans. I wouldn’t think poorly of anyone participating (on either side of the camera) but its not something I want my partner participating in. The interaction, investment, and ongoing nature of subscribing crosses a boundary for me that traditional porn dose not. Online relationships can become consuming. And no way in hell am I paying a monthly subscription + tips to some other woman! “Oh wow honey, you must of loved what Sabrina was doing today. I guess I’ll put off my haircut to balance out the extra tips” Hell no

    #963458 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, when I try to picture the reaction of any guy I’ve ever dated if I told him I’m paying for some other guy’s Only Fans content, I’m just smh. Can you imagine? And then I’d be like, well it’s a better way for Dwayne to make a living than Pornhub would be, and his insta pics just aren’t hot enough for me, I need to be able to see his whole package. Like, “…”

    Oh, and then I’d be like, you know, sometimes I want Dwayne to do special poses and props just for me and my fantasies, that he wouldn’t normally do in his insta thirst traps. I wanna be able to tell him to do what I want. What? It’s ethical! What’s the issue? He’s a grown ass man and I’m a middle aged woman with a healthy sexual appetite.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by avatarKate.
    #963460 Reply
    avatarGuy Friday
    Participant

    @Kate:
    “subscribing to one particular woman’s explicit content.”

    So, sincere question: you mentioned that you felt this was different than traditional porn, and I totally get why. But is this different in your view than the people who subscribe to a porn star’s individual website (because they find that actress attractive, because he or she does the kind of porn that appeals to them, etc.) as opposed to a broad based subscription service? And if so, why?

    (Aside: I overall agree with the advice mainly because the LW sounds like she’s uncomfortable with the idea of her partner looking at porn, which is her right.)

    #963462 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I’m of the mindset that people are entitled to some amount of private sexual autonomy and privacy. I don’t think it’s necessary or healthy for a person to report on everything they fantasize about in private. Obviously there is a limit to that – if the amount that someone is spending on pornography affects day to day life, yeah, that’s a problem.

    I feel like a lot of the issues being raised about OnlyFans is that the women performing there seem more like real people than traditional porn, and that mindset strikes me as a bit problematic.

    #963463 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    @BM, it’s the paying for it and potentially also knowing this woman too. As well as interactivity.

    @GF Same answer.

    Also trying to picture telling my husband I subscribed to a male porn star’s website, and lolz.

    #963464 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Guy Friday, if my husband made sure to watch everything (free) a porn star put out that wouldn’t bother me. Lusting after a celebrity is different than communicating with a non celebrity. If my husband made a list of 5 celebrities that he’d love to bang I’d laugh. If he made a list of 5 friends/neighbors/coworkers he wanted to bang I wouldn’t laugh

    #963465 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Is it really better to use free sites like Pornhub, which has a lot of videos that have been uploaded without the performers consent (including both videos from professional adult performers and people loading their own private videos as revenge porn) and has been a haven for sex traffickers than to pay a small fee to an individual performer?

    #963466 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    BM, I’m sure it’s better for the content creators, I’ve already said that. I personally am not comfortable with my partner paying money to see and interact with the same woman over time, particularly if she’s someone he may know. I’m going to stop engaging with you on this because I have nothing new to say on it and I’m not sure what you want.

    Also, it’s not that relevant. What matters here is the LW’s comfort level. It’s not even about what’s “better,” it’s about what feels good to her.

    #963468 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    @Kate – Apologies for going off topic with this. I have issues with the stranglehold that PH has on the industry and the complete lack of accountability they have due to their monopoly, so I got a bit defensive of its more ethical competitors. But I went over a line, so for that, I am sorry.

    #963469 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, don’t forget, he brought this up as something he felt bad/guilty about. Some of you are projecting this ethical porn aspect onto his motivations, but there’s no indication at all that that is even on his radar. He certainly wasn’t like, let’s have a mature conversation about our porn preferences because this is getting serious. He just, for some reason, felt like letting this woman that he hasn’t even committed to after 4 months know that he subscribes to a particular woman’s Only Fans.

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