The guy I’m dating told me he subscribed to an only fans recently

[bloodymediocrity]

Oh yeah, I definitely agree that *this guy* is being at least a bit shady. I just don’t think that it’s fair to paint everyone who subscribes to an OnlyFans as some kind of perv who is going cheat at the first opportunity.

[Kate]

No one said that. I’m guessing you subscribe to Only Fans and are reading things into this.

[bloodymediocrity]

“I feel like the guy who tells you after a few months of dating that he pays for some girl’s nudes and cams, is going to tell you after 4 years that he’s been hooking up with the bartender. Thank you for listening to my TED talk.”

I did take this a little personally, but can also now see how it specifically is in reference to the original guy in question.

[Kate]

😀

But seriously, I would take it differently if they were getting committed and he wanted to have an open and honest discussion about boundaries and stuff, and shared the kind of content he enjoys and asked her about hers. THAT guy I wouldn’t side eye. THIS guy, I do.

[bloodymediocrity]

Yeah, we’re definitely on the same page there.

[MaltaKano]

Yeah the guilt part is a red flag. I had a boyfriend tell me once that he would stop looking at porn because it felt like cheating on me (we were very young and very religious). I took him at his word, and then felt devastated a year later to find out he definitely hadn’t stopped looking at porn. And then he DID cheat on me. The guilt and shame and deception were hopelessly intertwined. So I get what you’re saying, Kate.

I just think there’s a possibility this is fine. I don’t think it’s a problem that, as a single man, he paid for this service. Now that he’s in a committed relationship, he may well decide he’s happy to give it up. I guess I feel like 4 months is still kind of an amnesty period for these kinds of things, but I guess that depends on how long they’ve been committed and what else they’ve discussed about fidelity.

[Kate]

But she’s super uncomfortable with it. And they’ve been dating 4 months and he’s not her boyfriend. Pack it up.

[anonymousse]

He didn’t say he was unsubscribing. And she doesn’t have to be okay with this. She’s allowed to feel how she feels about it.

[Kate]

Really. Some of you sound like you’re saying, “try to make yourself ok with this, even though the guy has offered nothing reassuring at all, rather the opposite, and hasn’t expressed interest in committing?

For the record, I’m pretty sure BloodyMediocrity has said previously that he’s not in a monogamous relationship with his wife. Just mentioning that because he seems to be on the side of “try to be ok with it.” I’m not saying subscribing to Only Fans makes you a cheater, but.

[Guy Friday]

I agree with your points, Kate. The fact that I personally don’t see a difference between subscribing to an OF account vs. an individual porn star’s website (because I didn’t see anything in the initial post that says that the guy had met the OF performer personally outside of the internet, you know?), is beside the point. The LW isn’t comfortable with it. The LW has the right to feel how she wants to feel and be with someone whose views match hers. IF she can’t find anyone who matches her views, then she can reevaluate her views, but that’s nowhere near where she’s at right now, so it’s moot.

[Kate]

Yep. It’s not clear whether or not he knows the woman with the OF account, but my guess is she’s someone he had previously interacted with or followed (on Instagram? An acquaintance? A dancer?), just because it seems like he went to OF for this one particular person. He seems to be only subscribing to hers, but who even knows.

Has anyone thought of a promising reason that a guy would tell a woman he’s dated for a few months but not committed to that he follows someone’s Only Fans and feels bad about it? I told my husband about this letter and his reaction was, “he wants to get rid of her.”

[anonymousse]

I agree with your husband. Either he wanted to find a way to stop seeing OP or he’s an idiot.

[Author]

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