The woman that has everything
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I have met a woman through the school my daughter attends. Our kids are in the same grade. She has everything…perfect life…perfect house…perfect husband..perfect kids…perfect social circle…perfect job…just everything is in line and not a hair out of place…literally. Even her and her family are gorgeous without flaws. She plasters her life all over social media about how perfect everything is, her trips, her kids accomplishments, her lavish lifestyle…her new career..how blessed her and and her family are. Even when it comes to school events she shows up with her entire fan club for her kids,brings the most lavish and over the top treats for the class. Her son even brags about all gets to do, how much his new Iphone cost while we both happened to be there having lunch with our kids…it just never ends. She is a nice woman but I just feel like a failure next to her and wish I had half of what she has. My daughter also gets sad hearing her son talk about all the riches, opportunities and adventures he has. This mother even bragged about the last minute trip to Paris they had and then off to Disneyworld plus the birthday party my daughter couldn’t attend because she was sick and that sooo many people showed up. I may sound silly, immature and jealous…i honestly do feel insecure around people like this and feel so small. Advice?
There’s not a whole lot to be done, beyond un-following on social media (which you should do without feeling bad at all).
It’s very annoying, but I promise you her life isn’t perfect. People who project a perfect life are always compensating for something, in my experience.
Take a social media break! Unsurprisingly, social media use is linked to worse mental health outcomes, like depression, anxiety, loneliness, and envy. Social media is a highlight reel and it doesn’t reflect real life. Not to mention, studies have shown that the people with the most curated, brag-worthy social media profiles tend to be among the least happy. They’re often overcompensating.
A handful of years ago, a friend I’ve known since middle school got divorced. Her now-ex husband is a handsome, Ivy League educated, high earning hedge fund guy. She started sending me emails detailing how miserable their marriage was one month in, but her social media was a collage of them moving abroad together, going on fancy vacations together, and generally being hot and wealthy together. I was one of the few who got regular glimpses of the profound unhappiness of that marriage; everyone else got the social media highlight reel and they were surprised when the “perfect” couple split. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. I could rattle off a handful of similar stories of times I’ve known when social media and reality were not aligned. Hell, when I look back on my own social media use, it has always been heaviest when I’ve felt lonely.
At a bare minimum, you can mute her so that she’s not showing up on your feed. I left Facebook a couple years ago because I was so annoyed every time I logged in — the political posts, the sharenting, the over-the-top captions on anniversary posts… bleh to all of it! — and I don’t miss it at all. I’m still on IG and TikTok because I don’t find those platforms as problematic and they don’t impact my mood. I have time limit settings on those apps so that I don’t get caught up. I’m also good at taking breaks when I need it.
Once you’ve gotten your social media habits under control, maybe you can take a moment to set some goals for yourself. Take a look at the things you feel envious. Then look at your own life and where you can build in those areas. Like if you find yourself thinking this woman has a superior friend group, maybe that’s your sign that you need to be more intentional when it comes to spending times with your friends or your cue to put yourself in a position to meet new people (e.g., join a book club). I’m jealous of people who are creative (though this isn’t a problematic kind of jealousy), so I recently started taking ceramics classes. Energy grows where energy goes, so turn your energy inward.
You have no personal relationship with this woman, yet you think you know exactly what her life is. You don’t know her life, I can promise you. You may want to speak to a therapist about this, especially if your child is coming to you with the same issue and you don’t know what to say.
There is always going to be someone who has more than you, and someone who has less. Instead of comparing in a negative way, perhaps try to be grateful for what you do have. If you want what she has, go get it. Make a list. Start taking baby steps, and seriously, as an adult you know comparing yourself to others will always make you feel bad, so why do it? You’re on your own path. Stop assuming you have everyone dialed in.
It sounds like she is or wants to become a social media influencer and is spinning a phony facade to advance that goal. She’s trying way too hard to paint a super-enviable portrait of herself. Seems she’s likely covering up some serious cracks.
It does really seem like you may personally need to take a break and unfollow her on social media and maybe consider taking a social media break for awhile.
Definitely unfollow. I have a friend of a friend who is gorgeous, two beautiful kids, successful husband. All of the things… and she found out her perfect husband was cheating on her for years. My dad was a divorce attorney – believe me, you don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors and you never know the state of anyone’s bank account.
There are people who make more than enough to live on but they spend it all on designer clothing, cars, vacations, gambling, whatever. You don’t know if that Paris trip is at the cost of sending a kid to summer camp or filling their 401K. A family member of mine dipped into his kids college funds because he wasn’t bringing home as much and didn’t want to tell his wife (their mother).
Nothing is actually as perfect as insta says.
I do suffer from comparison, so I empathize. I’ll also say that it is very possible her life is “perfect”. However ultimately that has no relevance to you. You have to unfollow and also block her on Instagram. I also know it’s easy to just unblock someone. But you can think, “I’ve come so far. I can’t unblock her now.”
Comparison is the thief of joy. Why are you letting her occupy your brain space when she isn’t thinking about you? You can’t compare someone’s best to your worst.
And lastly try to cultivate gratitude.
I am pretty broke right now. My husband makes a great salary but my son had a bad arm fracture in the spring that required resetting and a really expensive bill. And then in June, I found a mass in my jaw, had to have immediate surgery, by the grace of god I am well, and it’s not cancerous. But the hospital bills!
Be grateful. I know his sounds a little snotty, but there’s always someone who seemingly has it all.
I’m sure people that don’t know that I had emergency surgery, think I’m super happy and have a lot. My kids and husband are beautiful and I’m so happy, that is true. But we’re broke. They don’t know(sometimes they do know) that we are drowning in medical debt, and I am estranged from most of my parents.
It’s okay to unfollow her. It’s for your mental health. If you’re judging her by social media, maybe you should delete the media. That not the truth, it’s like advertising.
I recently read a book about boundary-setting with family, friends, and at work. I was surprised to see a chapter toward the end about setting boundaries with yourself around social media, but it makes sense. The book is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace — maybe that book/chapter will help you, LW.
I can’t tell if you and this woman are connected on social media or if you’re just orbiting her. If it’s the latter, you can block her and she won’t live rent-free in your head between the times you have to interact with her IRL.
Either way, remember that the grass is always greener where you water it.
I suffer from comparison issues too. It’s so hard because even if that person is faking it I think to myself that I couldn’t even get it together enough to fake it, no one would believe me I’m such a mess. I find people like this to be exhausting because they are just trying to perform and being their audience is not very fun. I think you should avoid her, block her, do whatever it takes to remove this person until you are stronger. I know easier said than done but do your best. No point torturing yourself – it’s not like you otherwise have a relationship with this person except to be the listener and consumer of all her fabulousness.
I have been through the exact same thing myself and I can share what helped me.
I dont always agree with people who say ‘social media is not real life’. Most of social media IS real life. Those pictures are not photoshopped! Even if someone is going for a vacation abroad at the cost of something, they still ARE going to a vacation abroad. Not everyone who goes to great vacations with their spouse is getting divorced. So rather that telling your self not to believe in those pictures, accept the fact that some people have more than what you have.
Now what to do when someone in your circle is flaunting her life. 2 simple steps- first start maintaining distance from her (be it unfollowing on social media or watever) and second MAKE NEW/OTHER FRIENDS. Can’t tell you how important the second one is. Where your daughter is concerned I’d ask you to encourage her to do the same. The world is full of different kinds of people and you won’t necessarily gel with all kinds. You have to keep meeting new people to figure out whose company you enjoy with. Have your own bucket list of things to achieve and keep following your passions, those goals should not anything to do with what X Y or Z is posting on social media. You are NOT a failure. You are a good person, you do your best, you’ll get through this.
