The wounds are still fresh

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  • Laven
    April 11, 2024 at 8:06 pm #1128811

    It’s been 3 weeks since a person that I thought really cared and loved me “ghosted” me.

    It still hurts everyday…It doesn’t help any that we live in close proximity to one another.

    It doesn’t help that unless one of us passes or moves…we’ll have to see and randomly bump into one another for the remainder of our lives.

    No matter how many times I try to move on and think I’m making slight progress…All the emotions and hurt come flooding back…

    I can’t even enjoy looking out of my window as I often did to relax…because most of the time I do, I see him either coming or going.

    My anxieties flare up and I have mini panic attacks when it gets closer to the time he is due home from work.

    I feel used, ugly, disgusting, and disposable. Maybe it’s my fault he lied and ghosted me.

    I feel like he fetishized me, and used me to experience someone from a different culture, country, and disabled..who’s convient and lonely.

    All the women he follows on social media (before I blocked him) are of the same culture as him, big boobs, in shape, feminine, nicely styled, head full of hair, nice clothes, nice teeth etc… poloar opposites of me.

    Maybe if I looked like them, and had an actual engaging life, he wouldn’t have dropped me.

    It bothers me that he is unaffected. He’s cheery and happy. Walks around smiling. Had a good time with friends over his place last weekend. .

    It doesn’t help that he leaves the window either open, or in a highly visible state, with the lights on when he’s home.

    I feel bamboozled. I just want a happy ending with someone who genuinely cares for me.

    I had to endure a life of misery and pain, where’s my happy ending to make up or convince me the suffering was worth it in the end??

    Everyone that I’ve ever dated has done this to me. Pretended, ghosted me, some discarded me, and quickly got in relationships that lead to marriage.

    I’m tired of being taken for a fool and a toy.

    I guess I’m everyone’s crash test dummy

    I feel deep shame and embarrassment.

    April 12, 2024 at 5:18 am #1128812

    It seems like you are going to have to figure out how to let go of some negative beliefs about yourself before you’re going to be able to break free of this pattern.

    You are absolutely fixated on this narrative about yourself as being old, ugly, everyone’s crash test dummy, not worthy of love, continually abandoned and discarded, etc. And then you invite men into your life who aren’t that into you to begin with, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Like we said in your other post, this guy was just a neighbor who you slept with twice and he acted weird after both times. This wasn’t a loving romantic relationship.

    Please find out what access you have to therapy and start to do some work with a professional to repair your self-worth. I wish you well.

    April 12, 2024 at 7:29 am #1128816

    If he came to your door with flowers and said “I’m sorry I ghosted you, I’m a fool.” would you let him back in? Would you ever trust him again? If not, then be done with him. He’s a user and he hurt you. Not because you’re “unworthy” but because he’s not a good person. Good people don’t hurt other people. Period.

    If you would let him back in and sleep with him again – then no one here can help you. He’s happy getting a little sumthin’ – he’s not going to fall in love with you if you sleep with him again.

    If you are unsatisfied with your life, do something about it. Volunteer, take a class, do things that you enjoy for the sake of enjoying them. No one person is going to make your life perfect. Your happiness is your responsibility.

    April 13, 2024 at 7:47 am #1128819

    You need to focus on yourself- your mental health- and not this guy. So what if you see him? Ignore him. Do not be bothered by him. His window is open? So? Close your window or go take a walk. You are an adult who makes her own choices in life. You shouldn’t get involved with people who live next door to you, work with you, etc. This is why, because if it doesn’t go well, then you’re stuck with the awkwardness of the neighbor. Learn from this, stop beating yourself up about it, put it behind you. People sleep with them wrong people and get their feelings hurt. It’s not a huge life failing, unless you make it to be.

    You need to move on from this woe is me bit and move on. Get a job if you can, try a new hobby. Call friends. Ignore the idiot next door. Stop making yourself feel bad by telling yourself how terrible everything is. If you can’t do that, you should see a dr and discuss these feelings with them. Good luck.

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    April 13, 2024 at 4:52 pm #1128824

    Hi. You wrote in before, right? Is this the same man in your neighborhood that you saw infrequently, slept with twice, and who would disappear after? If so… I mean… is the outcome really that surprising? Don’t get me wrong, I have been ghosted before (multiple times! Including by a neighbor I had a fling with and I, too, saw him around after!) and it does hurt. But it seems like you knew he would let you down and continued to allow him access to you. Why?

    I’ve not been in your shoes exactly before, but there was one time that I got cheated on that was pretty bad… he was the second boyfriend in a row to cheat on me, and he immediately moved on with the other woman. They married pretty swiftly. My self-esteem tanked. I felt unworthy. I felt ugly. I was depressed for… awhile. By myself, and also eventually with the help of a therapist, I learned to tell myself a new narrative. When I’d catch myself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” I’d pause and then tell myself a different story. I’d remind myself that I was enough, that my ex’s treatment of me said far more about him than it ever would about me, that I want and deserve someone who can communicate even through uncomfortable conversations. I really think you need to work on your self esteem and highly recommend doing so with a therapist. I don’t see your dating life improving unless and until you let go of these very negative beliefs you have about yourself. And hey, maybe you won’t look like an Instagram model, but you can do things to make yourself feel good and confident. Wear clothes that you like that flatter you. Style your hair, wear some mascara. If you want an engaging life, literally start anywhere… sign up for a class, search for MeetUp groups with people who have shared interests, volunteer.

    Also, you have no clue if this guy is unaffected or even happy. For starters, happy good people don’t treat others how he treated you. The cheating ex I mentioned? Yeah, I could tell for literal years that he AND his now-wife were creeping my social media in a way that wasn’t normal. Even after I’d blocked him, some weird stuff continued online. Like five years after we broke up, Instagram came out with stories and his wife watched every last story I posted for months. (LOL.) What all of this means about their relationship or them as individuals, IDK, I have no way of knowing their inner world… but it did feel like proof that they were both also affected for a long time. Stop worrying about whether this guy is happy or not. Odds are he’s kinda fucked up like the rest of us.

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The wounds are still fresh

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