Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

There goes the alarm

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice There goes the alarm

This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Charlotte 9 months ago.

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  • #736150 Reply

    I guess my head already knows the answer but some advice would be good to hear.
    I had been in a toxic marriage for 24 years (he cheated). I met someone at work much younger than myself and we just seemed to connect. He had recently separated from his partner and we decided to give it a go. A couple of months into the relationship he cheated on me with his ex. He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again and so I forgave him. (Mistake no 1) since then he has done numerous things to break my trust… calling sex lines, chatting up girls on facebook or dating sites etc. 6 months ago I gave him the ultimatum that he stops or I leave. Since then all seemed to be going well and he proposed to me New Year’s Eve. He has now become secretive with his phone… changed passwords etc and I have alarm bells ringing. Am I being paranoid?

    #736151 Reply

    No. Not paranoid. You don’t trust him & rightly so. Leave him, block all contact ( I know he’s a work colleague but then only talk at work and of work, keep contact to minimum) & make a happy life for yourself- make friends, volunteer for a charity, go to classes to learn a skill or something creative. Then get therapy as you need rebuild your self-esteem & learn to to be able to spot a good man from one who gives all kinds of Red Flags. You are worth more than this. Also don’t rush into another relationship. You need to just be content on your own, and then in time you can add a good man into your life.

    #736156 Reply

    What Heatherly said. He’s blown through all his promises and your ultimatums. Don’t be foolish and marry another cheater. You know what he is, don’t pretend otherwise because you’re afraid.

    #736157 Reply

    The alarm went off long ago… several times. It’s a regular alarm, and it’s BEEN going off. This is a super sketchy guy. He didn’t change in 6 months. He’s cheating on you. Break this off.

    #736167 Reply

    I think what’s paranoid is freeing yourself from a toxic marriage of 24 years, only to fall into another cheater’s arms. He’s already cheated once and has shown himself not to be trustworthy. What else are you waiting for?

    #736169 Reply

    You are not paranoid. I think that when you leave a toxic relationship, especially one that lasted so long, all of the meters in your relationship tool kit are damaged or broken. You are ignoring all of the red flags and signs and everything else because for years you were told that what you’re seeing wasn’t what you were seeing. That your own eyes, ears, gut, experience isn’t the truth – the truth is what your partner says.

    So… leave. For your own sanity leave. Promises are easy to make and easy to break. Take some time for yourself and work on resetting your “instruments”. Read some self help books, practice the exercises, consider therapy. At some point you have to relearn how to trust your own gauges.

    #736170 Reply

    With a 24-year marriage to a cheater and now multiple forgivenesses for cheating and other sketchy behavior which can only be seen as serious attempts to cheat, you are obviously a woman who sends a strong signal that monogamy is optional with you. You don’t like it, but it seems desperation not to be alone over-rides any objection you have to cheating. You are a convenient stopgap for current guy as he gives you a front row seat to his pursuit of the better option he seeks.

    #736171 Reply

    Ron’s got it. Don’t let your fear of losing him lead you into tolerating behavior that’s unacceptable.

    The guy is a player. He’s shown you that over and over again. You want a monogamous relationship, and you’re not going to get that with this guy. Hold out for a guy who wants what you do.

    BTW, I doubt very much that he stopped calling sex lines and shopping for hookups after you caught him. He just got better at hiding it.

    #736172 Reply

    After being in a toxic marriage for 24 years, don’t be so fast to rush into another long term relationship. Leaving a toxic relationship is the easy part, the hard part is paying attention to all of the red flags that you’ve trained yourself to ignore, and making sure you don’t fall into another relationship like the last one.
    You should break up with the guy and get into therapy to heal yourself. Also, don’t give ultimatums that you aren’t going to adhere too. It just lets the other person know that you really didn’t mean what you said, and that once you cool down they can go back to whatever they were doing.

    #736371 Reply

    Thanks for the advice you have all given great points. As I said I know deep down what to do…. just needed the view points from others as my confidence in my own judgement is somewhat out of whack. Again thanks you all.

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