Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Think Daughter is lying

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  • #843138 Reply

    Take her to therapy now. Something is wrong now.

    It is not normal for an otherwise healthy and emotionally stable ten year old to get scolded, feel pissed off about something and say “well I’ll show grandpa for scolding me. I’ll tell everyone he molested me.”

    Whether or not he did it – something has to be really wrong for her to act out that way.

    Your kid needs therapy and counseling from a professional now, she needs love and support from you now.

    Don’t want around for days while the police and social worker to do whatever it is they need to do. Get help for your child now.

    #843187 Reply

    Your way of thinking is messed up. Your daughter tells you that grandpa is molesting her and you think it’s in retaliation for taking away the laptop? Children that experience sexual abuse, most of them- they don’t talk about it. It’s rare for children to lie about these sort of things. Like the posts before have said, get her into therapy. Focus on helping your daughter, focus on keeping your daughter safe. Polygraph tests are not accurate.

    #843195 Reply

    I think your daughter told you the truth. Your father’s “I paid for a lie detector test, which found me innocent” just sounds terribly bogus.

    I do understand that you find it difficult that your father could be a child molester. You owe it to your daughter not to dismiss her accusation. The title of the post says it all — you think your daughter is lying. That’s unfair and you really have no reason to believe that, rather than, say, that your father is lying.

    The advice to take your daughter to a therapist is good advice. It might help you to speak to a therapist to help you deal with the conflicting tales from two people you love and want to be able to believe.

    Grandpa is an adult and can take care of himself. Your primary duty of protection is to your daughter.

    #843196 Reply

    Btw, I do disagree with those posters who say a 10-year old lacks the sexual awareness to make up such a story. Today’s 10-year olds are plenty aware of sexual abuse and unwanted touching. It’s in the media. It’s mentioned in school. Kids talk about this, and a lot more, at 10. At least in this small American city they do.

    I don’t know what you mean by little details in her story change. She says that your father did this multiple times. I’m sure the details between those multiple times differed and that he events would sort of blend together.

    Whatever you do, don’t force your daughter to associate with your father and definitely make certain she is not alone with him.

    Consider that grandfather’s discipline and accusations of cheekiness could result from your daughter refusing to allow him to touch her again — a way of forcing her back onto his script.

    Is he alone with her often? Does she act ‘different’ after some of those times that she has been alone with him?

    Have you found your daughter to be a generally truthful person, at least about significant things?

    #843212 Reply

    @Ron, I don’t have kids, do you? I’m going by what I’ve been reading about the topic, and sure, they teach kids that young about body safety, but a child with no sexual experience (I mean let’s hope a child this young has no sexual experience – she shouldn’t) isn’t going to be able to make up a convincing story, with details, that will hold up over time, without the help of an adult. I think there’s a big difference between knowing that someone may touch you inappropriately, and having a narrative about it. Again, the literature shows that kids don’t make this stuff up because they just aren’t capable and because it’s not in their interest to do so. I don’t think it’s helpful to society and to kids to say, well, kids get educated about sexual abuse so yeah they have the knowledge to lie about it.

    #843213 Reply

    You went to the police. You have the appropriate authorities involved. (BTW don’t get angry about the time between reporting and them reaching out – think of it this way: This is like an emergency room – the kids in immediate danger get contacted first. Your daughter is safe because you are on high alert)

    And that’s the whole thing – you said there is a chance this happened. Would you ever forgive yourself if you didn’t take every action, every precaution, ever step possible (not recommending murder here) to make sure your daughter is safe? Then that’s what you do. If it costs you the relationship with your father – well, if it’s true, that’s on him. If it’s not true, then he should understand that you will move mountains to protect your child.

    #843233 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    Therapy, now: for your daughter, for sure, but maybe for you and your wife, too. It’s going to be a bumpy road ahead, no matter what exactly the truth is. When a 10-year-old girl accuses her grandfather of molesting her, one this is certain: there are issues that need to be dealt with and a little girl’s well-being to be prioritized now more than ever.

    #843262 Reply

    Kate —
    No, we also don’t have kids.

    I have enough teachers in the family and friend group to know that 10-year olds aren’t as naïve as we used to think they were. Also, LW doesn’t say his daughter said anything super-anatomically-specific: her grandfather stuck his hand down the front of her pants. He did it more than once.

    #843266 Reply

    So for me, it’s not that I don’t think ten year olds have any awareness of human sexuality, that they aren’t curious about it, and that they don’t understand what sexual abuse is and the magnitude of it.

    I think ten year olds are probably shockingly aware and curious about sexual matters.

    What I *don’t* think is normal is that a healthy ten-year old would throw around an accusation like that. A healthy ten year old probably undoubtedly understands what it would mean if an adult were sticking their hands out their pants, what’s off is that they are actually saying it.

    Something is wrong, this accusation is not something a normal, healthy – if petulant – ten year old would throw out there. I don’t know *what’s* wrong, but clearly more is going on that she’s cheesed off at her grandpa and wants to get back at him.

    #843267 Reply

    As a 10-year old, I don’t think I was naive. I knew about sex. Also an older kid had touched me inappropriately. But I can’t imagine ever having made up and told a story about sexual abuse that didn’t happen. I just would not have been convincing if I’d never experienced anything like that.

    But again, I think it’s not appropriate or productive to conjecture that a 10-year-old can make up and maintain a convincing false story about sexual abuse on her own. Everything I’m reading (and i read a fair amount because this story is disturbing) says kids can’t and don’t do this. Not on their own.

    #843269 Reply

    Yeah it’s not that I don’t think she’s aware of sex, but no child is going to make up a story like this and keep at it with no retraction to garner attention or get her iPad back.

    #843270 Reply

    Right because she didn’t just say, “Granddad put his hand down my pants” and leave it at that. There’s obviously been a series of questions, and detailed answers. And if she’s interviewed by a professional social worker or law enforcement officer, she’s going to need to provide a narrative. Imagine this never happened to you, you’re 10, and a professional is interviewing you. Are you going to convince them? Are you going to be able to get into detail about what he did and said to you on multiple occasions? No.

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