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Thinking of Breaking Up With LDR boyfriend of one year—- whom I haven't met

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Rangerchic 2 months ago.

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  • #795896 Reply
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    Anna

    My LDR boyfriend who I’ve been dating for a year since yesterday is 17, and lives in Texas. I’m 15, and in Florida. Let me get one thing straight: I love this boy so so so much. We haven’t met yet, but I have my mom’s permission to go to his Senior prom in Texas in May. So. About a little more under a year to wait. I’ve done a lot of waiting. And it is so tedious. I don’t even know if I can do it anymore. 7 or so months? Okay. But 7 years? Why 7 years? Well, he’s also addicted to video games and wants to go pro in them. I personally really dislike his hobby (or, as he calls it, “career”), since my own father had been addicted to video games for my entire childhood and neglected me up until a couple years ago. So, yes, you could say this triggers me. But I try to get past that. On the other hand, though, he doesn’t meet me halfway with this. Ever since he took up playing on a professional team, I haven’t been his first priority. Not even in the top three. I feel like I just get his leftovers and neglectful love. I know he loves me and cares about me, but he is just plain addicted to games. And it isn’t a realistic goal either. Like I said, I’ve done everything I can do to support him, but it isn’t a steady career even if you’re the BEST and most talented at it. He told me that if it takes off within his gap year after high school, he won’t even go to college. How risky is that? We’ve talked about starting a family, etc. And I want to be an actress on Broadway, also extremely aspiring. But of course I’m still going to go to college to get my degree so I don’t end up poor on the streets. The kind of stuff he wants to do isn’t steady. But he can’t see that. He doesn’t believe me, and always assumes he just knows best. On top of this, I don’t think our personalities line up good either. I mean we have identical likes and dislikes, but I’m very, reasonably, emotional. And he calls himself “chill”, when in reality he just can’t ever do anything mushy gushy for me. Especially on our anniversary yesterday. I mean, I don’t expect him to buy or send me anything, which we’ve done in the past. I just expected maybe a few celebratory words of how he loves me or appreciates me….or SOMETHING! But I got nothing. No post on Instagram or snapchat. No acknowledgements. Nothing. I don’t expect him to be overly emotional any other day of the year. But he can’t even do it on our anniversary. Not only has this hurt my feelings, but it has also put worry in my heart. If he can’t do this, how is he going to be the rest of our relationship IF it works out, and IF we end up living together after high school and college in real life. This is also a BIG if. He expects to move to Austin with his teammates and older brother in one big house together and focus solely on his video game team. Before he made his mind up about this, we had a plan together. We planned to meet and be together. And by planning a whole other life after college, not even asking me how I feel about it, I feel taken out of the equation. I don’t ask for much. No jewels or heroic acts of love. Just a little love. A little appreciation. We fight a lot. Mostly because of me. Well, no, it takes two to tango. But we wouldn’t fight if my expectations weren’t so high of him. He just can’t comprehend when I tell him I need more. I don’t know how to put it into words that he can understand. I tell him basically what I’ve said here in this post. And he still says he just doesn’t get why I’m upset. I don’t hide things from him or fail to communicate. He just doesn’t take me seriously enough, I feel. I know it’s stupid. We’ve never met. But it’s been a year, and some real feelings have developed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over the way he treats me and the fear of losing him. He never malevolently hurts me, or does it on purpose. And I tell him that. But I’ve asked him repeatedly to PLEASE pay me more attention. To show me he is thinking about me. I even told him to look up the “5 Love Languages” and read about them to better understand how he can show me love. Which he hasn’t done. I KNOW he loves me. I have no doubt about that. But if this relationship is going to work, if I’m gonna see him in May, I can’t hurt anymore. I need advice as to how to get it through to him. I don’t want to lose him. He’s been in my life so long and has become a regular part of it. I don’t want to go on without him. He’s been very patient with me and doesn’t hurt me on purpose. Please help. Help me get through to him. I’ll do anything to not lose him and to stop hurting.

    #795898 Reply
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    JD

    I do not intend to be mean but no one is your boyfriend if you haven’t met them. Focus on people who you can actually spend time with in person.

    #795899 Reply
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    Ange

    At most you’re a convenience because you’re occasionally on the same device he’s spending 99% of his time on so trust me when I tell you this guy isn’t going to be a good boyfriend if you do actually meet. If you can’t make it work in the virtual world where it’s so super easy to present a wonderful image of yourself I bet this boy is actually horrendous in person. You would absolutely be shunted aside for video games and once he’s 18 and out in the world squandering his future on video games (or most likely still holed up in his bedroom refusing to get a job or go to college) I’m pretty sure he won’t have much use for a girl who is still at home finishing school.

    I know you think this is some great love and I’m sure the feelings are very real but trust me you don’t need this guy to have a happy and fulfilling life. What you do need to do is exactly as JD said and get out in the real world and start interacting with people you can actually connect with in real life. Who knows what great opportunities you’ve missed while you’re holed up chatting to a guy who won’t (and bluntly shouldn’t) give up much for a girl he hasn’t met.

    #795906 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Didn’t read the whole thing (paragraphs are your friend – so is brevity).

    You may feel great affection (even love) for him but it sounds like he doesn’t give you what you need and you have very different levels of ambition. That is a killer. I’ve seen so many couples where one is very driven and the other is very not driven. If the less driven one doesn’t step up – the relationship is doomed.

    Don’t be afraid of your own ambition – it’s a great thing. Don’t be afraid of expecting your partner to be equally driven. It doesn’t have to be driven the same way, but it helps if you’re in similar paths. Like someone planning on becoming the “Beef Queen of Minnesota” shouldn’t partner up with a guy who’s aiming at becoming the midwest lead of PETA. Both driven, but not really compatible.

    #795908 Reply
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    ron

    He’s a pen pal. You are so determined to find love, but in a very safe, unthreatening way, that you’ve built up this pen pal relationship into love in your mind. Why can’t it actually be love? You’ve never met the guy. You don’t really know him. Much of what you do know about him, you dislike. He is totally committed to his ‘career’, which is you hate for good reason and is actually a trigger for you. That in itself would be a deal-breaker, even if this is a real, in-person relationship. You say that your personalities are a mismatch. That also should be a deal-breaker. He devotes less and less time and attention to this pen pal relationship. Even if you had started with a good, functional in person relationship, that would be a clear sign that it was now over from his side.

    #795910 Reply
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    TheRascal

    If you haven’t even met in person, this guy is not your boyfriend. You are in a relationship with an IDEA of a person. You should break up with him and focus on relationships with people in real life.

    #795918 Reply
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    Vathena

    I agree with everyone else. You love the idea of him, but forming a real love with someone requires being with them in person. I have a friend who met someone online in much the same way you did, and when she finally met him in person…nothing. They had no in-person chemistry at all. They were not attracted to each other. You could step off the plane and realize that he has terrible bad breath! Or sweaty hands! Or body odor! Do you really want to spend almost 2 years committed to a situation that is ALREADY making you unhappy – only to find out you don’t even want to kiss him? You are expending a lot of energy on a person who already doesn’t care to meet your needs. As Ange said, it’s never going to be easier for him to make himself look good than it is right now. This is the best you’re ever going to get from him.

    #795921 Reply
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    Sarah

    You are having this many issues with a boy you have never met at 15, let him go.

    – you haven’t met, you are not in a real relationship so stop living an imaginary life.
    – you only know what he wants you to know, so you have no idea of the real problems he has.
    – you are 15, please do not travel to another state without a parent, and protect yourself because you do not know this person.
    – he knows you are not in a real relationship, that is why he is planning his life and you are not included.

    #795922 Reply
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    JD

    Traveling to meet a stranger is risky enough as an adult. A 15 year old for sure should not be doing this.

    #795924 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I know this feels so real, and so amazing. I know what it’s like, because I fell for a guy I met online, many years ago. He was my instant best friend, we were crazy about each other, we both thought this was it and we’d be together forever. I was so, so, so happy during those months, and so in love.

    Then we met, and it was a disaster. We just didn’t it off in person. No chemistry at all. It was so weird, so awkward, and it hurt so much. Obviously, the “relationship” was over, and the friendship was ruined, too.

    But let’s leave the haven’t-met part aside for a moment and look at how the two of you are doing now. You don’t have similar goals, he’s neglecting you for a hobby. He doesn’t pay attention to you. You fight a lot. You’re not getting what you need from him. You say your personalities don’t match up.

    This is a bad, broken relationship, and it’s going to end whether you want it to or not. And it should end. I know you’re afraid of that because it’s the first time you’ve been in love like this, and you can’t imagine being without him. But that’s just because you haven’t gone through a breakup like this before.

    You can’t fix what’s wrong here. To put it bluntly, the video games are more important to him than you are, and the two of you aren’t compatible. You know that’s true, if you’re being honest with yourself.

    Bring this to an end. There are much, much better relationships coming in your future. Guys you can actually be with and go on dates with and whose personalities are a good match for you. It’s gonna be OK.

    #795925 Reply
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    Vathena

    …right, there is also the possibility that she is being catfished/the guy is actually a 45yo predator. I would hope that one or both parents would be going with her in the event that she were actually making the trip to meet him.

    #795926 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Hah! Perhaps the only career more prepostrously and hopelessly unattainable than being a professional gamer would have to be becoming a Broadway Actress.
    .
    She isn’t being catfished. But she IS wasting her time. You don’t love this guy, LW. You love this idea of this guy…

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