Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Thoughts I can’t get rid of

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  • #879549 Reply

    I’ve had depression for a long time. I never took medicine though.
    I’m in a relationship. I live my boyfriend. But so many bad things have happened when we began dating.
    We were nonmonogamous at first and there was this girl (S). He was seeing S and another girl.
    The other girl never wanted drama and never met any of his friends.
    S however was all like – oh but were friends and all… She had a boyfriend who she lived with and somehow she was fucking my boyfriend more than her own.

    Like I was cool with it at first but he just said so many hurtful things before and defended her so much. Gradually we became monogamous like a normal couple but this bitch was still in our life somehow.

    I really want to write more but it’s making me feel sick already by just thinking about it.

    Today I live with him in his house.
    And its supposed to be mega good and lovely.
    But I’m not happy. I’m depressed and sad. Every day I think about what happened. I think about how shit everything was and how d’fuck did I tolerate all that?

    I Google her everywhere, I try to find as much info or dirt on this person as possible.
    I am sad and miserable and sometimes I just wish I was dead.
    I mean normal people might say – end it.
    But you know what. I sat through all this crap and tolerated it. I feel like I’ve earnt this guy.

    Any advice?

    Might start taking meds finally.
    Who knows maybe I’ll calm down.

    #879556 Reply

    Those thoughts you can’t get rid of are telling you something very important: your relationship sucks, it’s making you miserable, and you need to break it off. That’s not something you push down or try to make yourself ignore. You’re not supposed to get rid of those thoughts. You’re supposed to get rid of the situation that’s causing them.

    Not everyone can be happy in a relationship where their partner stays close to their exes. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a matter of knowing what works for you in a relationship, and what doesn’t.

    It sounds like you haven’t been happy in this relationship for a long time. Go.

    #879557 Reply

    Oh, and this: “But you know what. I sat through all this crap and tolerated it. I feel like I’ve earnt this guy.”

    You don’t need to sit through the crap and tolerate it. You don’t “earn” people. You can’t change people. The thing to do is when you start to see warning signs, you say “this one’s not for me,” and you go.

    Please, treat yourself better than this. Break up, find a good therapist, and learn how to be kinder to yourself.

    #879560 Reply

    If you can’t let go of what happened, and it’s making you miserable…you should break up with him. A lot of people wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with that kind of history.

    If you feel like you’ve earned the relationship, then try to start thinking positively about it. He chooses to be with you. He’s living with you, monogamous with you. If you can’t turn this around, you’ll poison what happiness you do have with your negativity. Call around and find a therapist. Do you trust him? Why are you letting your thoughts of her ruin what you have?

    #879563 Reply

    Well she’s gone. Completely now.
    It’s the memories.

    #879564 Reply

    Why do so many LWs always despise the other woman when —- really! — it’s their skanky dude that slept around? It’s so fucking vapid, and shallow, and stupid.

    #879571 Reply

    So I just can’t get over all the horrible stuff. That’s all.
    I’m hurting because oh the fact that he was screwing this bitch and she got what she wanted. However I had to share him.
    Like when we did swing I got assaulted and had sex with people I found repulsive….like wtf.
    I just hate this bitch so much.
    Like why was it OK with her and I got crap???

    I’m sad because I can never be certain he actually wants me. I mean I’ve always doubted myself but this is just horrible
    And I do love him. The thought of leaving makes me feel horrible.
    Like I just want to be happy and forget all this crap.

    #879573 Reply

    Honestly? Newsflash: HE got what HE wanted. Again. Your anger is misplaced. Very.

    #879575 Reply

    I’m sorry you were assaulted.

    You need to find a therapist.

    It all happened in the past. There’s nothing you or he can do to change what happened with her. Lamenting it and obsessing over this other woman is going to poison your relationship. Holding onto this anger is hurting you. You need to figure out what you need to do to let it go. See a therapist. By which I mean, call a therapist and have FaceTime sessions. If you can’t forgive him and move on, you should leave. Because being alone is better than being in a relationship that makes you miserable.

    Why did you have sex with people you found repulsive? Are you angry at him for that? Did he make you have sex with other people?

    Why can you never be sure that he wants you? Does he treat you like crap? Tell you he doesn’t want you?

    #879577 Reply

    Full story.

    I was not happy with my life.
    Met this guy at a pub when I went to a board games evening.
    And we just talked and hooked up.

    Broke up with my ex and things started with this guy.
    He didn’t want anything serious and was seeing other people. So was I.
    All of my side projects knew their place and they never fucked with me or upset me.
    His partners were all cunts.
    This bitch was all like oh we’re just friends which was clearly bs.

    We were nonmonogamous and tried being adventurous. So why d hell not try poly.
    Well that was shit. I did shit that hurt me because you agree to thing to keep partner happy. And then it backfires ffs.

    And like he’s been nice to her when in fact she wasn’t even his primary ffs. It just felt like betreyal.

    And then I was like – I don’t want to be with you… Screw this and he agreed to go monogamous to keep me.

    But I’m just really scared that he’s just said that to not be alone or to not feel bad.
    It’s just unfair.

    Moral of the story. Don’t do bad stuff. Be nice. Monogamy and devotion.

    Like I told him how I feel. And he feels bad about all this. Like he genuinely does I can see it.
    In fact he’s broken.
    And I’m trying to forgive him. But it’s hard because I can’t get all this out of my head.

    We are both depressed. I just really want to fix this.

    I won.
    He’s mine.

    #879579 Reply

    He honestly sounds like a huge asshole. And it sounds like you have low self worth and put what he wanted in front of your own needs.

    Therapy can help you figure out why you stay in relationships that make you feel like shit with people who do shitty things.

    #879580 Reply

    I guess…
    I’m just needy.
    I mean all I ever wanted was to be loved. That’s all. I just want to be loved and be the only person in my partners head and heart. How fucking hard is that?

    I mean nothing bad is happening now. Its just the fallout at the moment.

    I have my depression and all this crap in my had and he has guilt. And work stress. And all this coronavirus crap is on top of it.

    Can’t wait to speak to my therapist next week again.

    In the mean time… Any more advice on how to chill?

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