Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

To be pregnant..or not

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice To be pregnant..or not

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 41 total)
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  • #871857 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Is this person writing from the UK? This kind of scheme seems to be a thing there.

    #871858 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Nope. US.

    #871860 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Along with Fyodor’s Looney Toon style cloud, my eyes bulged in a similar fashion when I read “My mother and my best friend support me and I believe his family would not be upset if I fell pregnant either.”

    Please tell me everyone misunderstood you and you’re really not going to try to become “accidentally” pregnant?!? Because that’s how it reads and that’s so, so, wrong. SO WRONG.

    The reason you don’t want to talk about it in person with anyone is because you don’t want anyone to know you’re going to lie to your boyfriend about using birth control. You don’t want the chance for it to get back to him because you know he’d break up with you for tricking him into becoming a father. Gross.

    #871861 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Your mother and best friend support you in what? Secretly getting off of birth control and having unprotected sex with your boyfriend without his knowledge or consent? What you’re contemplating is called reproductive coercion, and it’s a form of abuse. Knowingly taking advantage of your partner’s trust to take away their agency to make the decision of whether or not to have a child is abuse. Period. Full stop.

    He’s told you very clearly he isn’t ready for children. You’ve only been together a year. It sounds like you don’t live together, and even if you do it can only have been for a few months. He is likely applying for residency placement and you have no idea where that will be. Are you prepared to move with him across the country? Does he even want you to move with him? And, again, HE’S TOLD YOU HE’S NOT READY FOR CHILDREN. The selfishness and outright disregard for your boyfriend in the actions you are contemplating is actually shocking. Get into therapy, please, immediately. You are nowhere near mature enough to be a mother, and your boyfriend has no idea who you really are. Counseling, immediately, to figure out why you came so close to doing something so awful, and how you can care so little for someone you claim to love.

    #871862 Reply

    No, you can’t “fall pregnant” on purpose without his consent because you think you’re ready for a baby after one year of dating.

    He said he’s not ready, but maybe in five years. You need to listen to what he is saying. If you’re trying to plan a devious pregnancy to keep him, that’s weird and really messed up.

    What do you do for work?

    #871869 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    Oh my god! No! No, no, no, no,no! Getting pregnant without your partner’s consent is……heinous. Completely setting aside all of the other levels of wrong and immature it is deliberately getting pregnant without his consent is the ultimate act of deceit.

    You do know what “consent” means, right?

    #871870 Reply
    LucidityLucidity
    Guest

    I’m a mother to a 5 month old baby. My husband and I had countless conversations about kids before having our daughter – not just if/when we wanted kids, but about our parenting philosophies and how we’d handle disagreements, childcare, the role of grandparents, how our finances and division of household chores would have to be altered, how we’d make time for each other.

    Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it puts incredible strain on your relationship. It amplifies existing problems and brings a whole host of new ones. You need a partner who is fully on board or your relationship will not survive it. Our marriage is stronger since having our daughter because we had a solid foundation in place, which was composed not just of all those conversations but of time.

    We were together for 10 years before trying for a baby. We took advantage of being young and childless – traveling, sleeping late, going out often, making spontaneous plans. I’ll treasure my memories of that time together always. I don’t mind the restrictions having a young child has placed on our lives because I enjoyed all that freedom in my twenties.

    If waiting doesn’t sound good to you, that’s fine. Everyone is different. But you really, really need your partner to be on board. His opinion is the only one that matters here, and you can’t assume you know his mind better than he does. Talk to him some more. Talking to a therapist would help you deal with the disappointment of not being in the same place yet.

    #871874 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah. I can’t even comment on this one other than agreeing and emphasizing that the LW is 1,000,000 percent wrong.

    One MILLION percent wrong.

    Mathematically, that statement makes no sense. But — morally — it is correct.

    #871876 Reply
    avatarCoyote
    Guest

    He does not want children yet. There is your answer. Finish school, get yourself a job in the medical field and start paying back any loans. You’re only 24, you have so much ahead of you and there is a good chance that once you’re in medical school you won’t have these same feelings.

    #871880 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I think that the boyfriend, not the LW, is in medical school.

    #871881 Reply
    avatarJennifer
    Guest

    I’m guessing you have this fairy tale scenario built up in your head where you “fall pregnant,” he immediately asks you to marry him, and you ride off into the sunset to your white picket fence house where you can live out your days as a surgeon’s wife with 2.5 kids.

    I got pregnant by accident (yes, it does actually happen) when I was 25. My boyfriend at the time dumped me less than two months after we found out, and moved an hour away. It was incredibly difficult to go through having the baby on my own. You’re thinking of creating another human being based on dishonesty. Please don’t do this. You can’t build a relationship on lies and deceit. It is 100% unfair to both your boyfriend and this potential baby.

    #871885 Reply

    He’s in his fourth year of medical school with hopes and test scores to become a surgeon. His father almost died last year, and this year isn’t looking too good for him.

    Your lack of empathy- that you even have the idea and have nurtured it so far as to discuss it with your mother and best friend is highly disturbing. That they support this idea is also very, very troubling.

    You should break up with him, pursue therapy and leave this poor guy alone. He’s not almost done with his career. I’m no medical student but doesn’t he need years of being a resident? Do you understand what that entails?

    You seem to have zero sense of what being a good partner is. A good relationship is not built on lies and deceit and tricking someone into becoming a parent before they want to. His opinion should be the only one you need. The fact that you would even take this devious idea this far is disturbing.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 41 total)
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