Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

To leap or not?

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #810734 Reply


    Figured I’d ask the masses whether to pursue this relationship or not.

    On finishing my graduate degree – I met a girl. She was recently out of a very long term relationship, and after a bar night, we got together. At that time, I was also just out of relationship, So we decided to keep things casual with the agreement to let each other know if we had slept with anybody else.

    Unfortunately, my job kept very busy over the summer, and she took off travelling. But we seemed to take a liking to each other, and managed to spend more time with each other over the end of the summer/beginning of fall.

    There have been another classmate who was always around, and I suspect was interested in her. I, as well as several other people warned her about him.

    Nevertheless, as we got closer, we started talking about futures and possibilities of a relationship. Given that I would be moving – we kept things open ended and decided to just continue as is.

    Near the end of the fall, when things were going great between us, she went to a wedding where something happen with this guy, “nothing too serious”. She ignored me all of that weekend, and when I asked about it, she said she just gets sad at weddings. Nothing about this classmate.

    Fast forward to when I move away and the distance between us grows – we stop touching base. Shortly after, at one of her parties, her and this guy hook up.

    Not knowing about the wedding or them hooking up, we started to talk again about how we felt and the possibilities going forward. We decided to go for it, even though it was long-distance. It wasnt until the next morning that she told me about what had happened. I quickly left.

    What bothers me the most is that I had warned her about this guy, that she lied to me about the wedding and kept him around. Sucks that of all people she hooked up with him, but I get it, we weren’t together then.

    She’s an amazing girl otherwise and I could see a future with her – just having trouble 1) trusting her, and 2) getting over her hooking up with this guy.

    Any thoughts or advice? Do I take the leap and try long-distance with her (temporarily for 6 months)? Or do I hit the road?

    #810736 Reply

    What do you mean you “warned her” about him? Why did she need to be warned?

    And why do you have trouble trusting her? You agreed to keep things casual and tell each other if you slept with anyone else (stupid), and she did exactly that. So what’s your issue?

    Ugh, let it go. It’s long distance, you weren’t that into it to begin with, you lost touch at one point completely, and now you’ve got trust issues. Just move on.

    #810737 Reply

    It’s over. Nothing you can do about that, especially at distance.

    #810738 Reply

    I don’t know what kind of trouble you would have trusting her. What she did when you weren’t together is none of your business. Do her a huge favor and MOA.

    #810739 Reply

    I guess its the difficulty with her fooling around with this guy at the wedding, then lying to me about it and keeping touch with him for the rest of the summer.

    #810740 Reply

    WHY? You were casual. And she didn’t lie. She actually *told you*. You’re the one who’s being disingenuous and not sticking to the agreement.

    #810741 Reply

    Leave her alone since you can’t get past her doing nothing wrong.

    #810744 Reply

    She told you something happpened.

    Not that she even should have, clearly.

    #810746 Reply

    You say:

    “we decided to keep things casual with the agreement to let each other know if we had slept with anybody else.”

    Nowhere in your letter do you say that she slept with anyone else. There was “fooling around” and “hooking up.” Therefore, she didn’t lie to you. Unless the two of you agreed that there would be no fooling around or hooking up without telling the other, she did nothing that broke the terms of your agreement.

    Sounds to me like you wanted to keep things casual and keep your own options open. But over time you developed stronger feelings for her, and wanted a more serious relationship, and now you’re sort of retroactively deciding you didn’t want her doing anything with other guys at all.

    You can’t just keep someone on the shelf while you decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with her. That’s not fair. And expecting her to report in to you every time she makes out with a guy – when you’re not in a serious relationship – ugh.

    She doesn’t sound untrustworthy to me. But if you don’t trust her, then no, you definitely shouldn’t pursue a relationship with her.

    #810749 Reply

    Or he’s the sort of guy who wants to keep his options open with multiple women, while expecting them all to be faithful to him, even when they’ve made no commitment to anything other than casual.

    #810760 Reply

    Oh dude, let this one go. You are a judgmental fool.
    Unless you’ve made a firm commitment with someone, they’re allowed to fool around or sleep with anyone they choose. And let’s face it, you were warning her because either

    1. You knew this guy got around a lot and didn’t want an STI. f you’re going casual then you should be wrapping up everything on your side anyway. Especially if fooling around with other is acceptable.

    2. You didn’t want her to get emotionally hurt. Her choice. You don’t get a say.

    3. You thought he would be better than you. He’s a threat … you need to either commit or walk away.

    #810779 Reply

    Unless you knew something seriously wrong about the other guy you warning her about him comes off as creepy and controlling. It wasn’t your place to try to tell her who she couldn’t/shouldn’t see.

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