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MaryJuly 30, 2023 at 1:45 pm #1124063
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up two months ago. We were together for nine years and by year five I had grown more uncomfortable with our situation. He has always wanted children and I have been more ambivalent around having kids due to the fact that I enjoy my freedom, and also knew that we had different parenting styles. He assured me not to worry, and that he was devoted to our relationship.
Fast forward to this time last August he brought up wanting children, but not with me. Up until this point things were going really well so I had imagined that if an accident were to ever happen, or if we were to even plan it out, it’s some thing we can make work. We started discussing our different parenting styles- him being more traditional, and wanting a very sacrificing mother for his kids and me, wanting to make sure my emotional needs would be met by having some self-care around having children, I suggested therapy and he said well he understands my needs it’s just not him and it wouldn’t work.
He seemed like he was ready to leave the relationship at this point. I had a lot of family issues going on around this time with a sister that was diagnosed with cancer and another one with a mental health disorder so I was very fragile. He said we could give it some time to see if this is a decision that he really wanted as he always said, I was the love of his life and that he would have a hard time moving on from me so we agreed to give it a year for him to come to his decision.
As time passed, I realized I was struggling, and was unhappy in the relationship, because I felt like I was just waiting to be chosen by him and he saw that I was starting to back away, so he proceeded to say things that me gave me a lot of hope that he was choosing me. A couple months later, he brought up the fact of wanting children again I had told him I thought he had made a choice which was me and he said no he didn’t fully make that choice yet.
I knew I could no longer be in the relationship anymore, as it was taking a toll on my emotional & mental health I told him that it’s best that we end the relationship and that he moves out. He was really caught off guard by my suddenness of ending it, and started backtracking around the fact of him wanting kids. He went and got fertility tested because he knew he was always had low testosterone, and it came back that his results indicated he would most likely need IVF to conceive a child, he told me that he wouldn’t want to go down the IVF route, and that he doesn’t want to lose me. I told him that I believe that he’s speaking more from heartbreak of losing the relationship than actually not wanting kids and in order for me to ever trust that he doesn’t want kids I would need time.
We agreed to go our separate ways and not speak for six months, and I told him by next year we can reconnect and see where each of us is at at that point in our life. The more time that passes I see that it is harder for me to trust putting myself back in that situation. I’m also afraid in six months time I may hear everything that I want to hear like he really knows he doesn’t want kids and he wants to be with me. I just don’t know if I could ever trust it again & would love some advice.ronJuly 30, 2023 at 2:04 pm #1124070
Don’t look back, move forward. You’ve devoted more than enough time to this guy and it really isn’w working for you. I think he has moved to the manipulative stage and that you are wise to be extremely skeptical of any change of heart he may claim to have after six months. Kindest thing for both of you: don’t wait the full six months, tell him now that it’s over and you are moving on with your life. His story about needing IVF to have a child seems very off to me. A gambit to have you switch to unprotected sex, because he can’t father a child without the help of IVF. You’re right not to trust him.LisforLeslieJuly 31, 2023 at 6:19 am #1124079
I agree it’s time to move on – forward, not back. You want different things. Unmarried men don’t typically go finding out their ability to have children. I would absolutely be suspicious that he was trying to baby trap you – “miracle” or “opportunity” or some similar approach.
He wants children but he doesn’t want to be the primary parent. And that approach to parenting is not what you want. And that’s OK – but you should not have children with this person because they want you to take on the majority of effort. And while I don’t want to assume your partner is manipulative, I suspect that they are thinking “well, once she gets pregnant/has the baby she’ll never want to leave its side and she’ll be fine staying home.” which you’ve said is not what you want. Your partner is assuming future you will be completely different from what you are saying now. Does he ignore your words and assume he knows you better than you know yourself in other ways?
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the end of your relationship, but I think you have wanted two different lives for some time. Now that you’ve arrived at this fork in the road – I think you have to take separate paths.