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Dear Wendy

Too open with guys

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar ron 1 week ago.

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  • #843341 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    Hi all. I have a big problem of being too open to others. This comes from inside and it is like I “need” to do it. I am in general too open about myself with people around me, I practically don’t really have privacy and hiding some personal things I should hide. In my country, contrary to USA this is not a good thing, cause people are usually private.
    The BIG problem is that I am like this with guys too.. I put my heart on the sleeve. I reveal too much about my feelings, my actions, my reasons, my thoughts and I tell more than I should. This makes the other one to know everything about me and my way of being.
    This is not a very attractive feature, right? Does this opennes attract guys or on the contrary? How should a girl behave with guys and in a relationship, regarding this matter?

    #843345 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, it doesn’t sound like it’s working for you?

    I think sharing needs to be an organic process. That means you don’t put it all out there up front. The other person needs to be showing engagement, putting in work, and moving the relationship forward. You should not be putting in all the work and doing all the sharing. As you get to know each other, you both start to open up.

    Definitely do not put it all out there and say how you’re feeling when a guy is doing nothing more than breadcrumbing you via text. You can be warm and friendly without telling him exactly how you’re feeling and where you stand. There needs to be reciprocity.

    #843347 Reply
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    cdobbs

    i actually like when people are open and honest….i mean some people over share things like i don’t need to know your daily bathroom schedule or your std status, lol, but i think its refreshing when people can just put themselves out there without fear of judgement….i’m sure some people might be taken aback by it, but others like me would appreciate it….if that is who you are then i say just be yourself and surround yourself with people who will appreciate you for you….my opinion is there is nothing more cold then people who don’t share anything of themselves so you never get the opportunity to learn who they really are

    #843351 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    @kate @cdobbs

    Thanks for your replies. I would mention that I never take the first step towards a guy and I don’t like showing my feelings more than he does, but I eventually will open all my heart without even realising, in action and words. I don’t usually share every little thing I do or being overly talkative about stupid minor things. I just share too much about how I feel towards certain situations and about my life(and I generally have a low self esteem which I always suggest in words/actions) .

    #843352 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, and then what happens? Why is it a problem for you?

    #843356 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I don’t think that it’s a problem, but I wonder if it leaves you feeling more exposed when the break up happens. Like you either feel that because you opened up to them, they owe you to not break up or you just feel more vulnerable when it happens. So, it’s not like men are breaking up with you because you are too open, but most men aren’t going to be the one and when things don’t work out you feel vulnerable and betrayed.

    #843359 Reply

    I think there’s a big difference between being an open and honest person and oversharing to the point of making yourself feel vulnerable and exposed. You wrote that you have no privacy.

    Can you try to tackle this with mindfulness and practice? Or do you think this is more of like an impulse that you can’t control?

    Personally, I think a little mystery and slowly getting to know someone is pretty attractive and compelling. That’s doesn’t mean hiding or secrets, it means sharing naturally as a relationship develops.

    #843362 Reply
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    Lullaby
    Member

    @fyodor @anonymousse

    Yes, the problem is that after the break up I just feel more vulnerable(because I put myself in that position) especially when he was extremely private and kinda not caring that much. I don’t blame the guy, I just blame myself for everything…

    Anonymousse this is the point. This is an impulse I can not control without forcing to do it.. I often forget and I realise “I did it again”..
    My worry is exactly what you said: a little mistery is pretty attractive.. and I have no natural “mistery”..

    #843363 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    So again, I think the problem is you’re giving too much to guys who aren’t doing the same. If they seem extremely private and not caring that much, they’re not that interested. In a case like that, you should not keep giving and giving, you should step back.

    #843365 Reply

    You asked how a woman should behave, I don’t think there’s a right and a wrong way to behave. Everyone is different. The thing is, you don’t like how you feel afterwards. That’s the impetus to try and change.

    You wrote that you can force yourself- so I think it’s possible you can exercise your self control on your own. Or you could see a professional who can help teach you how to do that. I believe CBT could probably help you.

    #843369 Reply
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    ron

    LW —
    For most people, I think at least a measure of confidence (not cockiness or games to establish dominance) is a turn-on, while wearing low self-esteem on your sleeve is a turn-off. Vulnerability is a plus. The sense of extreme neediness that often accompanies visible displays of low self-esteem is not. It’s a cousin to extreme jealousy and it’s a turnoff. I think in general openness is a positive if you are at least neutral on the low-self esteem to confident scale.

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