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Toxic friends

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  • This topic has 17 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarAlberto S.
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  • #1031459 Reply
    avatarAlysha
    Guest

    So a little over a year ago I left my husband after 6 years together and only 18 months of marriage. 2 months after he is in a new relationship with a sex worker. Obviously my self esteem took a huge blow, I was not expecting him to move on seriously so quickly. The marriage was extremely toxic and I kept quiet about it when I probably shouldn’t have, so nobody knew what was going on until I left. My two best friends who were also my bridesmaids were supportive at the beginning. But the same time I found out about his new relationship, these two girls decided to both text me about how upset they were about my wedding (nearly 2 years prior), how the way I did things when it came to my wedding wasn’t to their liking. They said they felt used because I didn’t disclose the abuse or toxicity when it was happening. I keep a small circle as it is, and have ptsd due to some very harrowing experiences and they know this. But yet they still threw back into my face the fact that I have few close friends, like 5 or 6, which to me is perfectly normal and okay. And they were saying things like “where were all your other friends when you were getting married?” It was a 2 day fight where they basically berated me about my wedding. and this was only 2 months after I left my husband, so I was already emotionally fragile but I feel like they didn’t even think about the process I was going through. This went on over the span of 2 days, the second day I was at work (healthcare) and I was so upset at the things they were saying that I left work crying after sobbing in the bathroom for 45 minutes because I was so hurt and they would not stop. And when I told them this they said “well if you feel this bad I guess we got through to you” I felt so abused and hurt. A year later this still bothers me, I have not spoken to them since. Sometimes I think about reaching out now that some time has passed because a part of me misses having them as friends. But also- that whole debacle was so toxic and hurtful. They were sending screenshots of my conversation with them back and forth to each other, it was two separate conversations.
    The day of my wedding they didn’t even want to come to the rehearsal, I barely seen them the day of, and they left before I woke up the next morning. Neither of them posted pictures with me at my wedding, neither said a congratulations.
    Keep in mind, 2 months prior to this fight I left my husband. Not only did I disclose how toxic things were, but also how he was incredibly mean to me on our wedding night. And now I find out he’s dating a sex worker who I now suspect was there behind the scenes before I left him. This of course comes with a range of emotions I had to process and struggle with. And this is when they decide to come for me about how much they didn’t like the way I had my wedding, which was on a budget. All I wanted was for them to put on a dress and be there for me and stand with me on the biggest day of my life. It’s messed up that once they knew how bad my wedding night was, and how my marriage failed and how it was toxic and abusive, they still felt like it was okay to berate me the way they did over my wedding. Am I wrong for feeling this way? They literally thought they were doing nothing wrong. Instead of bringing up these petty issues during my wedding planning process, when I could have handled them, they waited almost 2 years and while I was going through the process of leaving my husband to basically say how much they didn’t like my wedding. Am I wrong for feeling like that was extremely toxic and wrong of them? I needed support and they brought me down so much farther than I already was and intentionally tried to make me feel worse about my wedding and failed marriage…

    #1031464 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    It’s been a year since this happened, right? You’re not wrong for thinking they are toxic or whatever. You’re right that they saw you were having a hard time and decided to been even more cruel to you. They are terrible people, but it’s good you haven’t talked to them since. They don’t deserve your friendship.

    #1031468 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    This doesn’t make a lot of sense, sorry. They both decided, at the same time but on separate threads, to criticize you for two days about your wedding? Are you sure? Did they perhaps …
    * feel that the wedding was a bad idea, because your ex was obviously abusive?
    * wonder where the rest of your friends were, if they weren’t there?
    * try over and over again to get you to wake up about the abuse, only to have you defend your ex?

    It’s just strange all around, and you give no details as to what, specifically, they had issues with. What were they critiquing exactly? The flowers or your behavior?

    #1031470 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Leave these people out of your life. They sound awful. What were their complaints about your wedding? Did they think it was trashy to have a potluck or did they accuse you of being a bridzilla? It doesn’t really matter, they’re still awful for hounding you about it in the midst of your difficult divorce

    #1031471 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    You left your husband, which sounds like a good idea. Now you are totally bent out of shape, because he move on to a new relationship. He might be the world’s most awful guy, but by leaving him, you don’t get to sentence him to X months of suffering alone in his room with the covers pulled over his head. He is allowed to date again as soon as he chooses. Whether he waits a day or a decade is no measure of your worth. He may just be a guy who can’t bear to be alone and will instantly seek a rebound relationship. His being in a relationship quickly has nothing to do with you. Your marrying a guy when your relationship with him apparently was toxic does say something about you. Therapy for that, for sure!

    Your friends didn’t react as you wished, although you are really scanty on the details. Perhaps they feared you were going to return to this toxic relationship. Perhaps they sensed, as I sort of sense, that your leaving him wasn’t really leaving for good in your mind, that you wanted/expected him to come crawling back to you. That the hit to your self worth is not that he is quickly in a new relationship, but that he did not come back to you begging your forgiveness.

    Just move on with you life. You already left him, but MOA sounds appropriate, anyway. Therapy really can help with that.

    #1031472 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I can’t completely tell what’s going on here either, but there does seem to be a theme of people in your life being bullying or abusive toward you. I mean, possibly your friends were trying to do an intervention with you or something, but the fact that they each started beating you up separately (after obviously talking about you to each other), and the fact that they were shitting on your wedding and not just trying to get you to see the light about your ex… yeah, sounds mean.

    You cut your ex out of your life, you can cut these two out as well. But all this sounds like it happened 10 months ago. How has your friendship with them been in the last several months since this happened? If it’s basically ok, maybe you just need to clear the air with them and tell them you were hurt by what transpired last year, and why, and ask them to explain themselves. Or you can just fade on them gradually with no explanation.

    #1031473 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Oh sorry, I see now that you haven’t talked since. No, don’t reach out. Let them go. They suck. Have they even tried to check in with you at all?

    #1031480 Reply
    avatarAlysha
    Guest

    Yeah details are scant, it’s a long story haha. The abuse wasn’t physical but mental and became much, much worse after we got married. They knew nothing about it. Before we were married it was not as bad and I chalked it up to just having a disagreement/fight but after we were married things became more possessive and extreme, like I had been trying to leave him several months before I finally did, and the few times I tried to break it off he would threaten suicide. He hung nooses in the backyard etc. It was bad and extremely stressful.
    But like I said nobody knew this was going on not even my family, friends, nobody. I kept it quiet, I wanted to work on things privately.
    So my maid of honor is a girl who I’ve known since I was 2. She lives 3 hours south of here and at the time was pregnant with her third child and was not able to travel here on the weekends to help with planning. This was perfectly okay with me since I knew her situation like I said, I just wanted them to put on a dress and be there for me on this huge milestone of a day. The other two girls were very upset that my maid of honor could not travel to help with planning. Even though I explained her situation to them multiple times. Also, they didn’t like that the night before the wedding, I wanted to visit with my family some of whom drove almost 20 hours to be there. We got married on a beach so everyone was around the campfire visiting the night before. They had not told me of any plans for the night before, so I was not ever expecting to not see my family that night. They really did not like that. They also didn’t like how I took my wedding photos or how laid back the reception was. But that’s how I wanted it, I didn’t want something super formal.
    So in addition to them picking apart my wedding, the one girl was very upset with me because she said that recently I had not been paying enough attention to her. She had just gotten engaged. And she said that my leaving my husband meant we were on different paths, it’s as if the fact I was now single meant that I was not up to par for her friendship. But in my mind, I was dealing with a failing marriage that was extremely stressful. A dramatic breakup, and processing actually being single and alone after a long time. It’s what I knew was best, but it was still something I had to learn to cope with. But she still expected my full attention when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and try to get through it all.
    Of course he is allowed to move on, I never said he wasn’t. But I was surprised when 2 months after we split, after him putting up such a fight, that he is with a sex worker. A younger woman who is a prostitute. Of course I’m going to be disgusted and have feelings about this. Was he cheating on me with her? Does she have a disease? Do I have a disease? She sleeps with people for money, was he paying her, is that how they met? That’s nasty in my opinion, very low standards.
    And no- I definitely left him with finality in mind. He was trying to contact me after I left him and I would not commmunicate, I did not want to get back together and he knew why I left. There was no point.
    My other friends were there, they were just being mean about me having a small circle. This one girl seemed to think that my small group was weird. I had about 70 guests, mostly family but that’s exactly how I wanted it. I don’t want to invite every person I’ve ever known.
    I tried to reply as best as I could, although it’s impossible to give every detail. Thank you for the input!

    #1031481 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s normal to be shocked and disgusted by something like that. Men often do move on really quickly after a breakup though. And your healthiest option is to block him on all social media and not keep tabs on him.

    #1031482 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    It sounds like you’re better off without these “friends”.

    Sounds like you let a lot of toxic people into your life and getting rid of your manipulative and abusive husband gave you a peek into who these two really are. Best you let them all fade into the past.

    #1031484 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Eh, if I spent a lot of time and money being in somebody’s wedding, I’d be mighty annoyed to learn mere months they stupidly and knowingly had married an abuser. Um… what?!? Yeah… I’d suddenly be pretty MEH on the friendship.

    Your entire letter reads very me, Me, ME!

    And it was exhausting to read. That you expect your friends to ALWAYS be there for you when you can’t be there for them (especially as their weddings might actually be real causes for celebration!) is a trait that many find rather tiresome.

    PS — All the pearl clutching over the sex worker thing comes across… well, not in the best way. But seriously. How fucking out to lunch were you to marry such an obvious heel?!?

    #1031486 Reply
    avatarAlysha
    Guest

    Wow. Bitter is right, you sound like SUCH a gem 😂 they did not spend much time or money on my wedding. Money? No. Time- sure, definitely some time was involved. That does not mean that I have to stay in a marriage that turned sour just because they were in the wedding. You clearly have not read much of what I said. The dynamic of a relationship can change at any time. Things were not like this the entire time, I would not have married someone who would hang nooses over an argument, like DUH. These things happened after, to try to get me to stay. These things predominantly happened after the marriage. I mean, if my friend left her husband and disclosed a lot of things, I would most definitely be there for them instead of picking apart their damn wedding. I was already going through a difficult time and they made a hard time worse. I feel those those kinds of people are not kind people, or good friends. I feel like they made my wedding about them, which is messed up and selfish.
    You sound like a very nasty human being.
    If it was so exhausting to read, you definitely didn’t have to read it at all, or choose to leave a nasty reply. I feel like you’re the kind of person who thrives off bitterness and ugliness.

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