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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Toxic or normal

Home Forums Advice & Chat Toxic or normal

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  • #1112817 Reply
    Kylie
    Guest

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He has always been great, not really a jealous person, other than for my cousin. I wasn’t raised with my cousin, I met him for the first time when we were 17, and although I know it was wrong we ended up kissing ONCE over 4-5 years ago. Nothing else occurred, nor have we even mentioned it. He moved to my country, and is living with my family, for about a year now. He has become one of my best friends, he is always there for me and is just such an important person in my life. At no point has he tried to do anything remotely inappropriate to me. My boyfriend read thru our messages and saw that he called me hun and just went crazy, and said he needed a break. After 2 days he told me he can’t really see us together if my cousin is at all involved in my life. I at first agreed, but now I just keep thinking about how I’m unsure if I want to give up my cousin for him. I do see a future with my boyfriend, we have talked about marriage and buying a house and kids, and only now has there ever been a problem. I’m wondering whether or not I’m doing the right thing

    #1112818 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Ho Kylie. A couple issues I see here. Your boyfriend snooping and seeing your messages is not okay. Nor is his dictact that you must choose him or a relationship with your cousin. If your cousin lives with family, or attends family events, you can’t very well avoid him all of the time unless you cut out other family members too.
    If indeed your boyfriend has never acted in any jealous or controlling way with any other guys, ( you said “not really”, which leaves room for maybe somewhat jealous? ) then you also need to examine your behavior/closeness with the cousin. If your boyfriend had a cousin and/or friend and acted with them, like you do with your cousin, would you be bothered by that?
    So, this needs to be talked out. Is there a way you could be friends with your cousin that your boyfriend can handle and be comfortable with? And if there is, can you be happy with that solution?
    Maybe you and B.F. could consult a therapist and discuss the issue. Without knowing more detail though, the B.F. going through your phone ( if that is how he saw the messages) is not ok, even if he has/had reason to be suspicious. In general you should not have to “choose” one or the other.

    #1112819 Reply
    PurpleStar
    Guest

    Did you tell your boyfriend that you kissed your cousin all those years ago? If not – don’t ever. Your BF is being a jealous jerk. You and your cousin are friends and talk and share as friends do. he lives in your home with you. Your boyfriend is jealous and controlling.

    If you cut your cousin out of your life, even if you scale back your friendship with him, your BF will escalate and find more and more people that he can’t really see you together if they are at all involved in your life.

    See where this is going? Control and isolation.

    Find a better boyfriend. Keep your friends and family.

    #1112820 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Don’t get married, have babies or buy a house with a guy who flips out at you when someone else calls you “hun.” That’s absolutely ridiculous.

    Please, lose the jealous and controlling boyfriend, but maybe also get a little space from your family.

    #1112822 Reply
    Anon
    Guest

    You just said you and your cousin kissed 4-5 years ago, but then you said he’s never done anything even remotely inappropriate to you. Never? So you don’t think kissing you is inappropriate?

    Your bf has a right to be concerned. Seeing him call you “hun,” your boyfriend doesn’t know what the heck is going on or what’s not going on. But he’s definitely seeing some red flags. Never heard anyone call a cousin “hun.” If he’s not usually the jealous type, he should get credit for that.

    If your fine a&& cousin that you just recently met is living with you (and/or your family) and kissed you and calling you hun, then jealousy and prohibition is a healthy response to prevent some other boundaries from being crossed.

    You messed up, not him. And 4-5 years is not that long ago, and maybe it was really only 3.5 years, and maybe it really happened twice but you’re counting it as once because it was the same day. Maybe three times 20 minutes apart, or 20 hours apart, but you’re counting it as once as long as it all happened within a 24 hourish period = you kissed one day = you kissed once upon a time = you kissed once. And kissing often involves other touching. Did you leave that detail out? Your bf doesn’t know, at this point.

    And you refusing to give up your hot cousin over your husband and family, is also a red flag in your bf’s eyes, especially since y’all just met, and are so close now after kissing. He’s not supposed to be controlling and irrationally jealous, but he’s also not supposed to be a pushover and an idiot either.

    Keep your cousin and lose your prospective husband and family if you want, but if you grow old single like many people these days, just realize that you chose that. And don’t be mad if your loving cousin’s new wife doesn’t trust you if she finds out that you two kissed and you chose him over your husband-to-be.

    It’s too hard to trust people these days… too much happening in the dark, and diseases and consequences are real.

    Your bf is giving you a second chance, especially if you kissed cousin while with your boyfriend. And you’re on here complaining? You have to rebuild trust. And clinging to cousin is not helping.

    #1112823 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    It’s unclear if he knows about you and your cousin kissing. I wouldn’t blame him for being weirded out about that if he does know, and if he’s already weirded out and sees your cousin calling you “hun”… I’m not surprised he broke things off. I do not call my cousins by pet names and don’t know a single person who does, so to me, even that would be a bit strange. But, the other posters are right that his behavior was out of line and controlling. He shouldn’t be reading through your texts (unless he had your permission), going crazy over said text messages, or telling you who needs to be cut out of your life to keep him in it.

    All of that said, it sounds like he’s already ended things. (Breaks are break-ups in my book.) So I don’t really think there’s anything here for you to be mulling over.

    #1112824 Reply
    Kylie
    Guest

    My boyfriend does know we kissed. It was a one time thing, not several kisses or any other hook up, a single kiss way before I knew my boyfriend. We didn’t break up, he needed a break and we talked it out, and his only way of working out it would be cutting 100% contact with my cousin.

    #1112825 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Well, it may have just been one kiss, but what you did would still be considered taboo by many, many people. I’m not surprised your boyfriend was/is uncomfortable. I would be.

    I don’t see how your relationship will work. I can’t fault your boyfriend for having the ick over the situation with your cousin, but I also don’t think it’s appropriate for him to tell you to cut people out of your life for him.

    #1112826 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    HUGE red flag: , he needed a break and we talked it out, and his only way of working out it would be cutting 100% contact with my cousin.

    That’s not acceptable, your cousin is family and lives with you. A guy asking you to cut off a family member is bad, bad news. I mean yeah, kidding your cousin is a little gross, but there is no justification here for forcing you to choose between your boyfriend and cousin. Run.

    #1112827 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I think it’s weird and pretty gross that you kissed your cousin. I think it’s strange that you would tell anyone. I also don’t think it’s right to go through your phone without your permission or tell you who you can or can’t see. That’s a bad basis for a relationship, let alone a marriage. You sound incredibly young. I would encourage you to let this guy go, because he’s asking you to cut out family for him, which seems unreasonable. But hasn’t he already broken up with you?

    Talking about future plans is not the same about actually making them. Many people “insert current partner here” when they have those conversations.

    Don’t marry the guy who is already controlling and jealous. It will get worse with marriage, probably not better.

    #1112828 Reply
    Kylie
    Guest

    Note- I agree it’s gross that we kissed, but we were 100 not raised together-as in I was raised in the us and he was raised in Brasil. 0 communications till the first time I traveled there. I had absolutely no idea he was even a person until I went there and we went to a party

    #1112830 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I’m not trying to shame you for what happened, I’m just saying that a lot of people are going to get the ick over it, even if it so happened that you were two strangers who met at a party, kissed, and found out after you are related. If that happened to me, I’d take it to the grave.

    Either way, your boyfriend should not be dictating who gets to stay in your life and who you need to cut ties with. That’s not appropriate.

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