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Dear Wendy

Toxic or normal

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  • #1112892 Reply

    “I’ve been in a toxic relationship before and this isn’t it.”

    Okay, so what was “toxic” about your last relationship? How old are you? 21?

    No one said he’s inherently a bad guy, but if he’s made a boundary that he doesn’t want to date you because of your cousin, you should stop trying to talk him into sticking around. He’s uncomfortable, let him go.

    If he went through your phone without permission, you need to reconsider what is appropriate and trusting behavior in a relationship.

    #1112897 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa

    If your boyfriend is fine with whatever boundaries you mention that you’ve put in place to keep both in your life, I guess that’s fine. I won’t be surprised if this continues to rear its ugly head, but that’s your lesson to learn. I think jealousy issues like this stem from a lack of trust, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to make your boyfriend think you’re untrustworthy.

    I had one jealous boyfriend in my early 20s and the longer we were together, the worse his behavior got. Like we’d get into regular fights about guy friends, one time he told me I couldn’t wear shorts to hang out with our mutual guy friends. I’d try to appease him to keep the peace and really lost myself in trying to do so. It wasn’t great, things ended on a fairly sour note. I don’t think my ex was some horrible monster of a guy. He was young, insecure, had inner work to do, and should have ended things when he realized he didn’t trust me instead of trying to control things. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he was never going to trust me. (I’ve heard that this ex eventually went on to marry a therapist — LOL.)

    #1112899 Reply

    @Kylie you sound like the most level-headed one here. I know you came for help, but so many people here are sounding narcissistic or toxic, and have their own problems, which they will never admit to.
    My advice is for you to pray and seek God. Fast and pray to Jesus if you need to. No shame at all in that.
    You seem to have handled everyone’s responses gracefully, including the two. You sound like a nice young lady. I tink you’ve handled things fairly well so far. Whatever you decide to do, continue being open and honest with the people in your life. It seems like you have been. That’s worth a lot these days.

    #1112908 Reply

    Oh my lord, pick a lane.

    #1112910 Reply

    I’m beginning to wonder if Anon is the bf or the cousin…

    #1112911 Reply

    “Fast and pray to Jesus” is amazing advice. Thank you, alert citizen Anon.

    #1112914 Reply

    LOL, wow.

    #1115989 Reply

    So update- I am completely lost.my boyfriend asked for my parents blessing and is planning on proposing soon. I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend, and I want to spend my life with him. My cousin and I barely speak which hurts me so much, because although I have no sexual feelings for him, I want to respect my boyfriend. I’m an overall anxious person, so the whole “trust your gut” doesn’t work for me

    #1115993 Reply

    Why are you marrying your bf who doesn’t trust you?

    Please reconsider that very bad idea. It’s a one way ticket to being officially controlled and dependent upon a person forcing you not to see members of your family.

    I don’t think anyone said, “yep stop speaking to your cousin at all and do what your bf asks.”

    Being married is not winning at life, being in an unhappy, untrusting marriage is very lonely. Please don’t marry this dude. If he has problems with jealousy, he needs to work on that, not change your behavior.

    #1115994 Reply

    Kylie —
    That’s a big mistake. Your bf sounds toxic. One kiss 4-5 years ago and he goes through your e-mail? That’s ridiculous and very controlling.

    #1116515 Reply

    @Kylie I understand that you will also be hurt so much if you leave your boyfriend because of your cousin or because of what others think about your bf. So I’m not
    sure if you’ve mentioned this, but aside from your boyfriend not trusting the situation, how are things between the two of them? Is it unthinkable that the two of them could ever be friends to the level they could develop trust among each other? Or does your bf think your cousin is the type of guy that can’t be trusted? Is it that he really doesn’t trust the situation or specifically does not trust your cousin? Are there other things he sees in your cousin that make him feel like he can’t be trusted? How different are these two guys? I’m asking because guys usually see other guys differently than how females see them, just as females usually see other females differently than guys see them. I’m not saying to necessarily ask him, but has he mentioned other things he thinks are red flags about your cousin other than the incident that happened between you two? And what does your cousin think about your bf? The level of respect these two guys have (or don’t have) for each other is probably in important factor.

    #1116542 Reply

    hey kylie,
    I totally see your concerns and I’m sorry that you are upset about the situation that you are in. I recently just got out of a long term relationship and it took me a while to come to terms with what I wanted to do. My advice would be to write down what you value in a relationship and if one of those things are respecting your other relationships and maintaining trust, perhaps it may be time to take a break from this person. Wish you the best of luck!

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