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Traveling with out wife

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This topic contains 122 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar ele4phant 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #830389 Reply
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    Mike

    My wife and I have been married for 24 years. In that time my wife has allowed her mother to control her life. My in-laws are lazy people who grew up privileged, never worked a day in their lives. My father in-law has passed on but my 87 year old greedy pathological narcissistic mother in-law lives on. My wife runs her business and takes care of her. Our marriage and freedom eroded 13 years ago when their demands on my wife created a separation between my wife and I. Three years ago I had a heart attack. It really changed my life. All the things I wanted us to do when we were in college in the early to mid 90s kept on being put off. We haven’t taken a vacation in four years because my wife’s mother refuses any senior care assistants from coming into her house. I’m done waiting for my mother in-law to die so my wife and I can live. The women in her family live into their mid 90s and my mother in-law now has advanced dementia. I want to see Paris and tired of waiting for my wife. Should I feel guilty? I recovered from my heart attack which was so bad I should have died. I don’t want to waste any more time. My wife never left her mother side and my family for years criticized her lack of loyalty and devotion towards me. What do you think?

    #830392 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think it’s your MIL’s money and she can do whatever she wants with it, honestly. You’re not entitled to it right now.

    #830393 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Or if it’s not her money you’re waiting for, them plan your trip to Paris. Let your wife know you’d love for her to come with you. If she can’t, then for this trip you go alone.

    #830395 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    So go to Paris, if you want to go. Plenty of couples take separate vacations.

    #830396 Reply
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    ele4phant

    I believe the issue is not about getting access to the in-laws money, its that wife is a caregiver and can’t/won’t her MIL in respite care so they can go on a vacation together?

    Assuming you would be using your money for this trip, I’d say go. And if your MIL has truly advanced, this is now an issue with your wife, not your in-laws. It does not sound like your MIL has the where-with-all to demand her daughter not take a respite, this is your wife’s decision now in refusing to leave her in respite care.

    #830397 Reply
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    ele4phant

    *Truly advanced dementia.

    #830398 Reply
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    Mike

    I make my own money and can travel where I like. I’ve known my wife since I was 6 years old. We were supposed to move to Charleston SC in 2007, buy a new home and I was to start a new job. Her mother started crying using her guilt and my wife refused to move. She wanted my wife to run her property. She doesn’t get a cent for her work. Since we have kids no one wanted to break up the family so we stayed. The old witch got her way.

    #830399 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Mike, your bitterness is going to kill you before your heart does. Go on a spiritual journey and learn to let go.

    #830400 Reply
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    Mike

    Exactly.

    #830401 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    You don’t have a MIL problem you have a wife problem. Go to Paris.

    #830402 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Honestly, you may want to reevaluate this marriage.

    I have no doubt that your in-laws were/are unpleasant people, but your wife made the choices that have lead to where you are now.

    Your MIL doesn’t want to be left with caregivers for a short respite? Tough shit. Sounds like she isn’t legally competent anymore, and if your wife has POA she could just do it. You say your MIL is in advanced stages of dementia, is she even lucid to who is providing her with caregiving anymore? This is now your wife’s decision not to leave your MIL with respite caregivers. Your wife is making it so you can’t go on a vacation together, not your MIL.

    Even 15 years ago, when both your in-laws were alive and there were perhaps you cognitive impairments, your wife decided to acquiesce to their demands that she be the main caregiver. She could’ve said no. I know that’s hard for a lot of adult children to do, but at the end of the day, she choose to do this. But she could’ve set a boundary and said, No mom and dad, I can’t drop my business and relationship to be your full time caregiver, but I will help you vet hired help/help find an assisted living facility that is close that you are comfortable in, ect ect. And certainly as they declined, she could’ve made those decisions without their permission.

    Your wife made a decision to de-prioritize you and your marriage a decade and a half ago, and she’s still doing that. Do you really think once your MIL passes she’s magically going to make your marriage a priority again? That things will pop back to where they were 15 years ago?

    She’s made the choice to put your marriage last, perhaps under pressure and after a lifetime of emotional abuse and manipulation, but still. She has agency here, this is what she decided to do.

    #830403 Reply
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    Mike

    You’re right. I bought my flight tickets and booked my hotel. I told my wife and she was upset. She said it’s nice you can leave and I have to stay. I said I never asked her to give up her life for your mother who can easily pay for care but refuses. You made your decision but not ours.

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