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Dear Wendy

Traveling with out wife

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This topic contains 122 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar ele4phant 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 123 total)
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  • #830404 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    But like maybe marriage counseling when you get back eh.

    #830405 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Ah – she’s playing the martyr card. Woman, there is a respite care. She SHOULD be taking respite care on occasion. She doesn’t have to give up being the main caregiver (but it perhaps should be something to consider), but she could have someone come in for a few weeks, or put her mother in a facility for respite care, just for a couple weeks. This is a very very common thing. Google respite care and your area and I’m sure dozens of options will come up.

    She is choosing to shoulder all of the care. She doesn’t have to, so she doesn’t get to play “Oooh must be nice to leave for a vacation, but I can’t.” She can, she SHOULD; she doesn’t want to.

    #830406 Reply
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    ele4phant

    Or divorce. Honestly, if she’s not been willing to work on this for 15 years, and she’s playing the martyr now, can you/do you want to walk this back from the brink?

    You don’t have kids. You almost died. You deserve to enjoy your life. She deserves to enjoy her life (and she CAN there are all kinds of options for eldercare). If she’s not willing at all considering how to change your lives so you can actually enjoy them before you die, don’t let her drag you down.

    #830407 Reply
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    Mike

    I’m all for that. In fact I saw a counselor. Her advice was for my wife to grow up and take responsibility for her family . She didn’t like that one bit.

    #830410 Reply
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    Mike

    We have children and they are sick of the situation as well. She fits them in between her mother’s needs and they know well who comes first.

    #830411 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    My MIL has cognitive impairment because of radiation treatment, which effectively means she has dementia. Different root cause but effectively the same outcome.

    It has been very hard on my husband, and because I love and support my husband, on me.

    But as we’ve figured out the right care for her, our marriage and our lives has heavily factored into the discussion. Sure, she like most would’ve wanted to stay in her own home, and if not that, she would’ve wanted to live with us and have us be her caregivers. But given the kind of care she needs, where we are in our lives, what we are equipped to do, and that we want to preserve something of our careers and marriage, neither of those options work for us. The sum of our family is greater than the parts, and us remaining strong in our marriage and happy in our own lives gives us the space to not feel overwhelmed and do the best we can for her.

    She’s in a facility that is two miles away. It wasn’t what she wanted, but you know what, it’s actually working out great and she’s happy. Because they can provide her the physical care that she needs that we wouldnt have known how to do and would’ve had to learn, we are close by, and when we are with her we aren’t stressed out and tense.

    If my husband unilaterally decided he was going to be the main caregiver and that meant immediately putting the breaks on our shared life and putting our marriage at the bottom of our priority list, I would’ve noped the f out of my marriage. Because I still count. My marriage still counts. Our lives still count. If he wanted to devote his life to caring for his mother, fine, but I didn’t sign up for that and that’s not in the best interest of the collective, even if it’s what she would’ve preferred.

    #830412 Reply
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    Mike

    My wife’s isn’t with her all day. No one is. She gets up early , checks up on her mother, goes to work and comes home at 8pm. Then she spends the entire evenings with her. She is alone all day and has fallen down and broken her arm. On Saturday morning my wife takes her to the hairdresser. She has no hair left. Then takes her out to lunch. I don’t see her till 2pm. On Sunday mornings she gets up and takes her to church and lunch again. Comes home at 2pm. Weekends trips have not been a thing for 13 years.

    #830413 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    Oh you do have children. Are the grown? If they are my advice still stands.

    Little more complicated if they are still at home.

    But all the more reason to say yes, this is a problem with your wife not your MIL.

    In situations like these, it’s about what’s best for the family. Your mil may have wanted to be cared for by her daughter only, but if that means everybody else in the family is going to suffer (especially kids), that’s too bad. There are other acceptable compromises that will still result in your mil being well cared for while not sinking the rest of the family.

    It is your wife that chose to agree to this set up, and continues to choose it even when she could’ve brought in hired help (permanently or at least on a temporary basis to get breaks).

    Sounds like money is not an issue – so you guys should spend every last dime of your MILs money on getting her the very best of care so you can have a semblance of a life.

    If your wife isn’t entertaining that, I’m not really that sympathetic to her.

    #830414 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    Oh man. Your mother in law sounds in need of full time care. Once falls start happening, it’s downhill from there unless you get on it.

    How on earth is she living alone if she has advanced dementia? Now I’m concerned your wife is both playing the martyr AND is negligent.

    Does your wife have power of attorney? Has your mother been declared legally incompetent? She clearly cannot live by herself. Whether that means caregivers moving in or moving her to a memory care facility, I don’t know, but this isn’t good.

    If your wife isn’t willing to do anything, isn’t going to carve out more of a life for herself but also isn’t going to make moves to get your MIL into a safer environment, I mean I don’t know what to say.

    #830415 Reply
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    Mike

    My mother in-law has an extreme case of vertigo and lives in a 100 year old home with steep stairs that leads upstairs to the bedroom. One day soon she going to fall and either kill her self or break her hip. My wife has a sister in Illinois and doesn’t do a thing to remedy the situation either . My wife doesn’t have power of attorney even though her mother’s attorney keeps pushing her to get them. My wife doesn’t want to go against her mother. She has been diagnosed mentally incompetent. I had to take her to her doctor. She can’t remember her address, phone number,or any other person information. When people approach her who have know her for years she doesn’t remember them. You speak to her and she just stares off. She should be in a home.

    #830423 Reply
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    ron

    LW —
    What do you think your wife’s motivation is? It’s hard to see how a mother progressing into dementia retains such a strong hold over her. Is she determined to protect an inheritance? Totally beaten down as a child to the point of subservience? From a culture in which the oldest generation or oldest female traditionally rules the family? She just has no interest in travel and her mother is an excuse?

    #830425 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Despite what your wife thinks, she’s not taking care of her mother appropriately. This honestly sounds like a control issue that your wife has. She could hire someone to run their business. She could hire a service or a single person to care for her mother. She chooses not to.

    I truly doubt your MIL would even care/notice if someone else was taking care of her. What happens if your wife gets sick?

    If she is so obsessed with control, she could hire a caregiver and install nanny cams if that’s legal where you are.

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